Category Archives: Conversations

An Inspiration! Of Snacking.

Today I was at the Y, and while I was making my way from one machine to another, one of my favorite trainers came up to me.

“I just wanted you to know that a lot of people have been commenting on how hard you work here,” Ed said. “They talk about remembering when you first started coming here, stuff like that. You know, you’re inspiring a lot of people. Really.”

I’ve hit a massive rough patch lately, with SADS and birthday parties and Christmas food and stress. I’ve been feeling like shit about it, too.

Maybe Ed could tell I needed to hear that? Or maybe he really meant it. Either way, I’m going to work a little harder for the rest of 2011. Thanks Ed.

 

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Got A Bit of the Boo Hoos

I haven’t been this tearfully PMS-y since, I don’t know, my last big break-up? I’ve cried about 6,000 times in the past 4 days, mostly without reason.

Jen and I check in on each other via email at least once a week. I was going to tell her I’m sad and PMS-y, then realized I send that email to her all the time.

The other day I was a bitch and instantly remarked to Justin, “That was mean of me. My head is hurting, is all. I’m sorry. It’s PMS.”

“You PMS a lot,” said Justin to his first long-term girlfriend.

“Dude, it’s one week every month. That’s one out of four. I will spend a quarter of my adult life feeling like this. (beat) OH MY GOD I’ve never thought about it that way before. THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING TO REALIZE.”

 

(Gif from the totally hypnotizing If We Don’t, Remember Me.)

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My Super Sweet CAT Scan



Have you guys ever been injected with iodine? Because it’s kind of



“You’ll start to feel warm,” he told me as he injected saline into my IV.

“Oh okay, good to know,” I said, averting my eyes to the ceiling.

“Like a hot flash.”

“Oh.”

“But before that? Like, right away? You’ll have this awful taste in your mouth.”

“Huh.”

“And then sometimes? People say it feels like they’re peeing their pants.”

“Oka-what?”

And guess what, dudes. IT TOTALLY FEELS LIKE YOU’RE PEEING YOUR PANTS.

The craziest part is it all happens in a few seconds. I mean, I’ve watched movies where people inject heroin and get shivery right away, but I’ve never thought about how bloodstreams work like that in real life. For some reason I thought I would have to sit and read a magazine for 10 minutes; the speed was completely unexpected. Well, this isn’t too bad. Hey, something tastes funny. I guess that’s the [WHOOSH] OH MY GOD I PEED MY PANTS.

And then he said, “Now, don’t move.”

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Funky Bunch 4 Eva

(Gang is now launching home invasion to get revenge on Gil/Stephen for ruining their already shitty house. Confident in their security system, they try to set the code. Reese: “Dad. David’s got the code.”)

Stephie: Should’ve watched Battlestar Galacticaaaa…

(The Bear is battering down the door with a log.)

Erin: Did he cut down a tree?

Christy: (as stepmom) Stephen, did you fuck up their house?

Last week, Erin had the awesome idea to drunk blog the Marky Mark Masterpiece Fear. This was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in the theater illegally. (I exclaimed, “I can’t believe she didn’t card me!” literally 1 second after I bought the ticket. The theater employee was either extremely cool or extremely lazy.) I love this movie. I also love drinking, blogging, and hanging with Erin and Christy. Clearly I was down.

The result? Hilarity. Well, hilarity, typos, and oversharing. Want to read it? You’ll have to go to Erin’s blog. It’s just one click. Don’t be scared. Marky Mark is too busy stalking Nicole to snap your neck. Maybe. Probably best to not draw attention to yourself, though.

Watch the trailer below. Then CLICK HERE!

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Pass The Test, Win At Life

A few months ago, my hairdresser Barbara was cutting my hair while I rambled on and on, as usual. I was talking about my Year Without Goals, moving back home, and other stuff that you know about. I get a kick out of wowing Barb.

I don’t remember what I was talking about when this happened, but at one point she stopped cutting, looked me right in the eye and said, “You can do anything you want to do, you know that?”

Without hesitation, I said, “Yes.” And I meant it.

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What’s Nice

Back when my dad was in the nursing home… location #5 out of 12, I believe, I took Justin to meet him for the first time. My mom was there, too.

“You know what’s nice about being here, Stephie?” he asked.

“What?” I said as I turned him on his side, trying not to hurt his second freshly-amputated leg.

“Your mother lets me watch any football game I want.” he bragged, and we all laughed.

So along those same lines, you you know what’s been good about all this crap with my dad and all these hospital visits and waiting rooms?

Now I feel like my mom is one of my best friends.

And while I would still give anything for my dad to not be sick… it’s nice to focus on one of the few gifts that came out of it.

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Shortcake Roll Call 4

I do this once a year and the results are always hit or miss, but it’s time for the annual Shortcake Roll Call.

If history and my stats are any indication, then officially 1% of my daily readers will answer my roll call, which is silly. But I’m having a super depressing day, so I’ll take what I can get.

SO – do you read Shortcake? Leave a comment! Don’t want to admit it? No problem – use a fake name! And to make this topical, tell me about the best Christmas present you ever got.

No picture because I’m super fat and sad and poofy-eyed today. You’re welcome.

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Y’All Gonna Make Me Act A Fool, Pumpkin Head Pumpkin Head

The other night, Justin and I carved a pumpkin. When I stood up after kneeling for so long, I yelled from the pain.

Later as we watched TV, I asked, “Will you still like me when I have creaky old people joints?”

“Of course I will!” he exclaimed.

Then in the sweetest, sing-songy whisper, he added, “It means you can’t run away from me.”

I lost my phone during a monsoon and this Pumpkin Head Dance is the only thing keeping me sane.

Most importantly, “Pumpkin Head” reminds me of “Puppet Head”… I was friends with Francis for about a year before I realized that he was Puppet Head Frank. Pretty much the best thing you can realize about a friend.

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Texts From Last Night

To sum up Gogol Bordello:

Dan: GOGOL BORDELLO HOLY SHIT

Stephie: HA, were you there?!?

Dan: True or false: everyone in that room wanted to sex

Stephie: Oh, FACT.

Charlie woke me up this morning at 6:30. I was planning on going back to bed (I WAS up all night drinking and dancing with gypsies, after all) but the fog was so thick and beautiful that I had to run. I wasn’t expecting to even hit my usual distance… but I ran 5 miles in 58 minutes! I hit my longterm goal today! Go me!

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Well, I Was Underwhelmed

Conversationing, revisited:

Jeff: Fritos make your breath gross.

Stephie: Ha

Stephie: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years

Stephie: and it was pretty disappointing

Jeff: I just ate a ding dong for the first time in years and it was pretty disappointing – is my new favorite sentence you’ve ever said.

Stephie: LOL

Jeff: I want that on a plaque.

Stephie: Let’s have Debbie embroider it on a pillow.*

Jeff: OMG

Jeff: yes

Jeff: im calling her now

Stephie: hee

Jeff: she’s a go

Jeff: bring a pillow in monday

Stephie: Nice

Jeff: This quote is going to make you famous.

*Normally this sentence would be infringing on clam territory, but we are surrounded by people who actually have this in their job description.

Also if Pat had waited an extra week before dumping me, he would’ve been the proud owner of a pillow embellished with his favorite quote ever, “Pizza? Now that’s what I call a taco!” Sucks to be him!

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Nectar of the Devil

Last night Jason handed me a bottle. “Try this,” he said. “It’s incredible.”

I looked at the label: Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape. Then I smelled it. “Uh oh.”

“What? Taste it.”

“I don’t think I should. You do realize that artificial grape is my favorite flavor, right?”

“You can’t even taste the alcohol.”

“That’s my point. You should just drive me to Betty Ford right now.”

“DRINK IT.” Jason likes to force feed me things all the time and no matter how much I fight it, he never gives up and I usually comply.

So I try it. It’s basically grape Jolly Rancher, with a hint of grape Kool-Aid. “Son of a bitch. That is delicious.”

“I know, right? And it’s 5% alcohol.”

“I hope you like roommates who stumble around wasted in their bathrobe all day and like, throw shoes at you.”

“Would you throw stuff through the window? Because that would be funny.”

“This is the kind of stuff that alcoholics pour into water bottles and take to work.”

“It’s f*&$ing goooo-oood.”

“Never allow me to buy this stuff. Do you hear me, Jason? Never.”

“I thought you liked grape?”

“I also like pizza but I’m not going to order it every day. There is a reason why people don’t try heroin. Never. This is never allowed in my mouth ever again.”

“That’s what she said.”

~~~*~~~

To be honest, the longer I sit here writing about Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape, the more angry I’m getting. This is a drink made for children and it has an alcohol content that I’M uncomfortable drinking.

LISTEN UP BEVERAGE COMPANIES: ALCOHOL NEEDS TO TASTE LIKE ALCOHOL.

When I was a teen, I couldn’t stand the taste of alcohol. It took me about 2 hours to finish my first beer. And even though I had fruity drinks to choose from, they still tasted like crap: Boones Strawberry Hill, Bartles and James Peach, Seagram’s Mixed Berries, ZIMA, etc. I could taste the booze and therefore, I couldn’t slam it. I would drink it at a proper pace and could feel myself getting drunk. Therefore, I stopped drinking when I needed to stop.

I promise you, teenagers are going to CHUG Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape (and the strawberry one that is just as candy-ish). This is especially true if they are sharing their stash of booze, and most teens do. Teenagers drink shared booze the way kids in huge families eat their dinner: if you want your share, you have to grab it fast.

Never has alcohol poisoning been so easily accessible. I already know that kids are going to drink themselves into comas over this. An entire generation of teenage girls just lost their virginity because of this drink (and sorry dudes, but that is a bad thing).

When I was a little kid, I would always choose grape candy. And if my parents had this in the refrigerator and I saw the grape pictures, I would try it. And because it doesn’t taste like alcohol, I would love it. Again, 5%. Terrifying. I’m well aware that the wrong products are marketed to kids all of the time, but this is the first drink that definitely would’ve killed me if I had tried it.

I’m not saying it is a bad drink. Smirnoff Ice made a fine product… it’s just too good. This is not a Benjamin Button world; there are a lot of little people running around who don’t know better, and they would not be able to handle themselves if they got a hold of this. It should be illegal.

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This Week In Conversationing

Stephie: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP GIVING ME THINGS THAT MAKE ME FAT

Jeff: HA

Jeff: its a test

Jeff: of your WILL POWER

Jeff: EFFANIE

Jeff: just wait till tomorrow and THURSDAY

Stephie: A test to see how fast I can house all this chocolate?

Stephie: Because word up Kriss, I’m ABOUT TO

Jeff: HA

Jeff: thats the second time in a week ive heard a Kriss Kross reference

Stephie: LOOOOL

Stephie: That is the sign of a great week
~~~*~~~

Jason: (opening gift) OH MY GOD a Make Your Own Hot Sauce Kit.

Stephie: Do you like it?

Jason: I am going to be pooping sideways.

Stephie: … is that a yes?

Jason: My asshole will be on fire. Yes.

Stephie: Merry Christmas for your mouth… Bah Humbug for your butt.

Jason: (beat) Please put that on your blog?

Stephie: ‘Kay.
~~~*~~~

Andy: I’m still stunned that you spend your hangovers watching movies like August Rush.

Stephie: DUDE WE HAD FREE HBO FOR THE WEEKEND

Stephie: I was on zero sleep. It was one of those movies where I saw the preview and just wanted to see the ending?

Stephie: But then that guy was really hot?

Stephie: So I watched the whole thing

Stephie: Man

Stephie: there is just no dignified way to eat saltine crackers, is there?

Andy: HAHAHAHA. Okay, let me diagram what you just said to me.

Andy: Lame excuse, lame excuse, lame excuse, hilarious non-sequiter.

Andy: ::claps::

Stephie: I can either bite into it and it explodes everywhere or I can shove the whole thing in my mouth like a totally hot babe

Stephie: *curtsey*

~~~*~~~

Niki: Steph! I got a sewing machine for Christmas!

Stephie: Holy sh*t! Really?

Niki: Mmm hmm

Stephie: That’s insane.

Niki: Yeah.

Stephie: INSANE! But AWESOME!!

Niki: … yeah?

LATER

Stephie: So can you throw rolls of socks at it, like in Big?

Niki: Yeah… wait, what?

Stephie: You know, when he just throws socks at it and it comes out. In his loft. You know, Big? With Tom Hanks?

Niki: I… don’t remember that part.

Stephie: Oh. So are you going to fill it with all your favorites?

Niki: What are you talking about?

Stephie: Your SODA MACHINE!

Niki: SEWING MACHINE.

Stephie: Oh. OOOOOOOH. HAAAAAAA. That makes sense. (Finishes wine.)

~~~*~~~

Geoff: holy shits you have dated like everyone on earth

Stephie: NO!

Stephie: Not at all!

Geoff: You’re like the Kevin Bacon of dating

Stephie: HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA

Geoff: 6 Degress of Effanie

Stephie: OMG I hate you

Geoff: WHY?

Stephie: NOT TRUE

Stephie: *Sigh*

Geoff: It’s ok

Geoff: i feel the same way somtimes

Geoff: when all the friends are together for a huge party

Geoff: and like every girl ive ever slept with is there

Geoff: She is like AND how do you know her?

Geoff: and her?

Geoff: and OH you know her too?

Geoff: im like ehhhhh

Geoff: hahaha

Geoff: maybe

Stephie: See I haven’t SLEPT with everyone I’ve dated

Stephie: So

Stephie: there

Geoff: SO THERE

Geoff: You’re still getting a drinking game named after you.

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Come Up In The Spot Looking Extra Fly

I’ve been having trouble writing about The Spot and I finally figured out why. I didn’t exactly DO much. Even through it was the best weekend I’ve had in a while, I don’t have a lot of specifics to share. I was pretty lazy to be honest. Hiking? Climbing? Washers even? Girl please, I am on vacation.

Here’s what I mostly did during The Spot:

1. Set marshmallows on fire.
2. Wander aimlessly.
3. Sleep.
4. Drink.
5. Twirl in this gigantic tire swing:

… and that’s pretty much it. I developed the same weird attachment to that tire swing as I did that rowboat from the Steelesville cabin. I didn’t care that I was by myself. I adored that thing.

My old roommate Tony went with me and I’m so glad I invited him – and not just because he brought all the camping gear and cooked me breakfast every morning. It just felt great mixing an old friend in with all the new ones. I tend to lose parts of myself when I jump from circle to circle. Do you know what I mean? It was nice to access strengths and traits that I don’t really show around that group of friends. I probably wouldn’t have stayed the second night if he wasn’t there.

All right, so I already told you what happened the first night. The second day was mostly spent lying around in a field. I watched a washers tournament, puppy-sat Ford, “helped” people who were working the gate aaaaand that’s it. All in all, 92 people showed up! That’s crazy! For a while, we were scared we’d run out of places to park.

Saturday night was the absolute coolest. Three bands played at The Stockade – Dub Kitchen, Roly and Rockit Man & Chocolate Milk. There were little candles all along the path from the campground to the stockade, which made the long walk through the woods almost magical. There was also a totally sick fireworks display that covered the entire sky and completely blew my mind.

It was such a cool atmosphere, a great time and a mostly a total blur. Here are things that I remember, in no particular order or verb tense:

  • Tony and I took a detour to eat at this drive-in burger joint that reminded me of “Home Fries” and reminded Tony of “Friday Night Lights.” We marveled at people like the city jerks that we are.
  • Ron rented porta-potties. PORTA-POTTIES FROM HEAVEN!
  • The first thing that I saw at The Spot was a gigantic ring on Jessica’s finger. She and Nick just got back from Mexico. He proposed to her ON TOP OF A MAYAN TEMPLE. That is pretty amazing. Those two are awesome together and we’re all really happy for them.
  • I slid down the firemen’s pole for the first of 6,000 times. When my feet hit the ground, a bunch of Christmas lights turned on right behind me. Hippies cheer in amazement.
  • Tom wins Jen’s heart forever when he points to the cabin and asks, “Is this where you keep Jacob?”
  • The Rocket Queen wins my heart forever when I point out my ex and she deadpans, “Ugh, the d-bag with the visor?”
  • Bryan wins The Rocket Queen’s heart forever with the smooth soulful sounds of Jack Johnson:

  • Tony and I decided to stay another day, so we needed to go to Wal-Mart. Then this happened:

BRYAN: Can I go with you guys?

ME: Sure.

BRYAN: I should probably change.

TONY: Bryan. You’re wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

BRYAN: Right. That’s why-

TONY: Bryan? We’re going to the Wal-Mart in Fredericktown.

BRYAN: Right. (beat) Nevermind.

  • I sing Jerell’s “At Da Teyents” every time I have to walk back to the tents.
  • “Is that guy STILL in his hammock?”
    “Hasn’t he been there all day?”
    “Should we, um, check on him?”
    “Does anyone know who he is?”
  • Bonus and hippies go to the Gun Show.
  • BEST REVELATION:

At one point, there was a weird mix of people sitting around the campfire. Someone broke the ice by asking, “Who has the strangest middle name?”

Some guy said, “Well, my middle name is normal. But my first name used to be Jeepers.”

“Jeepers?”

“Yeah. Jeepers.”

(Everyone gapes)

“Why would… why would any parent do that to a child?” asked The Rocket Queen.

“I don’t know. They went back a couple weeks later and changed it. But it’s still on my birth certificate. My mom’s side of the family calls me ‘Jeeps’.”

  • A girl brought those fireball things that you twirl around. At one point one of the fireballs flung out of her hand and hit the (wooden) stage. People hippy-danced around it completely unfazed. Jen and I clutched each other like, “omigodomigod pickitUPpickitUP.”
  • During the fireworks, Jen screamed, “I can’t believe it’s legal to sell this stuff to my friends!”
  • A firework shoots off towards the tents, waking up Tom and traumatizing him forever.
  • I watch the fireworks with the brother of the boy who ditched me on the 4th of July.
  • During Dub Kitchen’s set, Andy reminds us about all the fossil fuels that were burning to power the Christmas lights.
  • “Who’s that guy dancing with all the girls?” “Oh, that’s Jeepers.”
  • In the morning, I spotted Geoff and Erin laughing their asses off next to Tony C.’s car. Pat was passed out in the backseat, all curled up like an Anne Geddes baby.
  • I spy Bonus teaching a little boy how to fish. PRECIOUS!
  • A kid with a mohawk almost decapitates me with a (real and really sharp) chinese throwing star.
  • Jeff told us about the time he fell through a window and basically cut his hand off. He went into incredible detail about how it was only attached to his body by the bone. He did this as Tony and I were eating eggs and bacon.
  • Tony and I gave Jeff a ride home. After we left, everyone realized that Jeff didn’t know anyone. He didn’t even know the bands. He just randomly heard about a camping trip and showed up. That night I got about 5 calls checking to see if we were alive. Jeff was a cool dude. But thanks pals.
  • PERFECT weather all weekend. It was too warm for Ron’s Argentinian poncho but he still looked awesome.

I think that’s it. RON IS THE MAN. Hooray for The Spot!

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Drama Club

Jen, Niki and I had nice flashbacks of the Cool vs. Not-So-Cool days when we dug out our North Middle School Yearbook last night. For the FIVE people mentioned below who are reading along, it’s my 6th grade yearbook, their 7th.

They were a year above me and we didn’t know each other back then, so we got a big kick out of looking each other up.Then this happened:

ME: Oh my god. I was in Drama Club.

(Jen and Niki laugh.)

NIKI: You’re just now remembering this?

ME: I had no idea. At least this picture isn’t as horrifying. Look. (Passes yearbook.) Do you see me?

JEN: Yeah, you’re right behind Sam Orme-Rogers. That’s crazy. (Passes it back.)

ME: Oh wow, Courtney Osterholt was in Drama Club too.

JEN: Yeah, I noticed that.

ME: I have no recollection of this.

NIKI: That’s funny. I can’t believe you guys were all in Drama Club together.

(Five minutes later, I pick up the yearbook again.)

ME: Hey Niki, this might sound like a dumb question, but is this you?

(I pass her the yearbook. Niki falls over laughing.)

JEN: What?

NIKI: I was… in Drama Club too?

JEN: Wow, Drama Club must have been the place to be.

TO HEATHER AND LIZ: You might be interested to know that you were ALSO in Drama Club, along with Kelly Fogarty.

TO GAGE: I didn’t spot you in Drama Club, but I showed Jen and Niki your picture and they cooed for a good 10 minutes. What an angel!

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Drunksploitation

I know that as we get older, drunk people are more sad than funny. I know that it’s wrong to exploit alcoholics for their addiction. But I ALSO know that last weekend I encountered a drunk at a bar on Grand who was an absolute treasure. I shouldn’t be blogging drunken quotes but I have to. I HAVE TO.

TOP 10 QUOTES. I AM GOING TO HELL:

~~~1~~~

DRUNK: (to DATE) She reminds me of my sister. The one that goes to church ‘n sh*t.

~~~2~~~

DATE: She doesn’t like me.

(DRUNK puts his arm around DATE.)

DRUNK: I like you.

~~~3~~~

ME: (to DATE) Shut up. AND your fly is open.

DRUNK: Sh*t, I’ve been married 18 years I wish MY fly was open huhHAA!

~~~4~~~

DATE: I have to pee.

(DRUNK steals DATE’s chair.)

DRUNK: Babygirl, let me tell you somethin. Little boys pee. Grown men PISS – uh oh, here he come. (Runs away.)

~~~5~~~

DRUNK: (to ME) You remind me of a fine lady I knew back in ’71. Carol Burnett. SEXY AS HELL.

~~~6~~~

DRUNK: Hey. HEY! BARTENDER! CHANGE THE SONG!

ME: Man, I think this one is almost over.

DRUNK: That’s what she said. HaHAAA.

~~~7~~~

DRUNK: I love you… whatever your name is.

DATE: Her name’s Bianca.

DRUNK and DATE: (for 5 minutes, to ME) Bianca! Hey! Bianca! What’s wrong Bianca?

~~~8~~~

DRUNK: Beautiful, what was your name again?

ME: What do you think it is? Who do I look like?

DRUNK: (pauses, takes my hand) …The love of my life.

~~~9~~~

DRUNK: What was your name again?

ME: Stephanie.

DRUNK: Stephanie. Stephanie… you know I had a Ste… well she was a bitch…

~~~10~~~

(“Uptown” by Prince is playing in the background. BARTENDER cuts off DRUNK.)

DRUNK: (points finger at bar) You know, Barack Obama is going to be president. He’s going to be president whether you f**king like it or not. UP! TOWWN! (Dances away.)

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On A Lighter Note …

A couple of nights ago, Pat and I were watching TV at the Nortfort. We were flipping between “America’s Got Talent” and “Dateline: People Who Raise Monkeys as Children”.

When we flipped back to America’s Got Talent, they introduced this cute little boy named David. He was there to sing. They showed footage of him being supercute. “You Are Not Alone” by Michael Jackson started playing in the background. His mom talked about his autism. Then when the kid started talking, this happened:

Me: *gasp*

(Pat freezes)

Me: *cooing*

(Pat coughs and shifts uncomfortably)

Me: *gasp* aaaaaawwwwwwwwwohmygodohmygodawwwwww

Pat: Steph, I think I’m going to change the channel.

Me: What? Why?

Pat: You keep making those noises.

Me: Do you think I’ll make them LESS or MORE when you flip back to the monkeys dressed as babies?

Pat: …

Me: …

Pat: Wow. You’ve kind of got me there.

Me: See?

Pat: I’m actually stumped.

You will make that noise too (and possibly cry) when you watch the following clip.

And then – just like both of us – you will scream in horror when David Hasslehoff gives his vote. Watch him. WATCH THE HOFF. AGH.

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Under The Spell Of Romance

Pandy: Stephiieeeeee. Whatcha doing?

Stephie: I am on my way home from a cute boy’s house.

Pandy: *gasp* I am on MY way home from a cute boy’s house!

Stephie: We are total babes!

Pandy: I know! What are you doing when you get home?

Stephie: I’m going to get dinner, and then I want to go running but I already ran this morning.

Pandy: Let’s be lazy but not lazy.

Stephie: I feel like dancing.

Pandy: Like going out dancing? Who dances on a Sunday?

Stephie: Geeeez, Footloose. I don’t know. Somebody?

Pandy: So you want to go out? Because I would have to ask my new boyfriend.

Stephie: Yay! Hee.

Pandy: Hee.

Stephie: No, I don’t really feel like going out.

Pandy: Why come?

Stephie: I feel fat today.

Pandy: *sigh*

Stephie: WHA-AAT?

Pandy: Are you going to call me crying tomorrow? About like nothing?

Stephie: MAYBE.

Pandy: That was a fast March.

Stephie: I know. (beat) Want to come over and learn Thriller?

Pandy: No.

Stephie: COME ON!

Pandy: No.

Stephie: The rhythm is gonna get you, you know.

Pandy: I know. But no.

Stephie: Oooh you know what we can learn? Are you almost home?

Pandy: Yeah.

Stephie: I’ll send you a video.

Pandy: (whining) Is it Thriller?

Stephie: No. It’s this awesome thing I saw at the Polyphonic Spree. I will call you back when I get home.

Pandy: Are you at Magic Market?

Stephie: No.

Pandy: Where are you?

Stephie: Nowhere. I’ll call you back.

Pandy: Oooh, is it gross? Like Captain D’s? Where are you eating?

Stephie: I’LL NEVER TELL!

Pandy: I AM COMING OVER!

Stephie: NO!!

Pandy: I AM TURNING MY CAR AROUND TO LOOK IN YOUR TRASHCAN AND JUDGE YOU!

Stephie: I’M NEVER EATING AGAIN!!

Pandy: I AM TURNING MY CAR AROUND AGAIN TO BUY TOTINOS PIZZAS FOR US!!

Stephie: HOORAY!!!

And then we learned this for three hours:

Plus a little of this to celebrate being total babes:

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Two Can Play At This Game

TSGoC: So here is my big news: I’m moving to Mali.

Stephie: Maui?

TSGoC: Mali. Like Mali, Africa.

Stephie: Wow. That IS big news. That is HUGE news.

TSGoC: Yeah, I’ve never been there and I’ve always wanted to see it, and I just figure this is the right time to go. Plus, I just think it will be cool to be in a place that’s absolutely foreign to me, that I know nothing about.

Stephie: Those are the places where you learn the most about yourself.

TSGoC: Yeah, like stripping away all of the bs in my life and all my problems and everything I’m used to…

Stephie: And getting right to the core of who you are.

TSGoC: Precisely.

Stephie: That’s so incredible. You never stop blowing my mind. Way to go, man.

TSGoC: Thanks. Hey, you sound different! Like you have more confidence or clarity or something.

Stephie: Really? Thank you

TSGoC: It’s just something in your voice. It’s great. I’m digging it. So what’s new with you? What have you been up to?

Stephie: Well, I moved from one side of my office building to the other. And now everything that was on my left side is now on my right side. So, I can completely relate to what you’re going through.

TSGoC: Oh, for sure.

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IT HONESTLY NEVER GETS OLD – Act One, Scene 1

INT. THE NORTFORT – POKER TABLE – MIDNIGHT

STEPHIE rolls the dice. PAT, CATE and TONY examine the Trivial Pursuit board.
STEPHIE gets distracted petting John Black the chihuahua.

PAT
(counting spaces each way)
Okay…yellow or brown?

TONY
That’s what she said.

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Peas On My Knees

Him: God, this is incredible.

Me: See?

Him: It’s like massaging my knee. It fits on it perfectly. SO much better than the bottle of rum.

Me: Dude, frozen peas are the best. I told you.

Him: So how long am I supposed to do this?

Me: Well, they say you should ice it down for about 20 minutes, but you’re wearing jeans so -

Him: Who are ‘they’?

Me: You know, sites about knee injuries and stuff.

Him: That’s so awesome. Did they say to get the kind with onions, or…

Me: …

Him: You know, a particular brand?

Me: It wasn’t specifically about peas, man. Just ice.

Him: Oooo-ooooh. (Proceeds to die laughing with me.)

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