I recently ran into an old friend who told me that she’s going to get implants in the next year. I asked her what size and when she told me I almost passed out. Girlfriend wants massive, massive boobies. Did I mention that this is an old friend from church? I tried to be unbiased and to not try to sway her in any way, but for many years, I had to carry around boobs that were just as big as what she wants. And mine were real, which means hers will look a lot bigger – and scarier.

The best thing that has happened to me in the past year is that my boobs shrank. They’re not tiny now or anything, but they’re normal, and that’s all that matters. For a while, my cup had runneth waaaay over. I feel an obligation to tell her the downside of ginormous boobs, because there is a downside. There are a lot of downsides. So, Friend Who Wants Boobs, here we go:

Top Ten Reasons Why Less is More

10. Gravity – Yeah, I know: Ew. Luckily, this isn’t a problem. But I work with old ladies, and apparently, it will be a problem. For everybody. So I just thought I’d throw it out there. Note to old ladies: You guys gross me out sometimes. Next week I’ll give you the top ten reasons why Silence is Golden.

9. Bras – You know those cutesy bras with the flowers and rainbows and all that shit? Yeah, kiss those goodbye. They won’t work for you anymore. You’ll go from Victoria’s Secret to Olga, which is an actual brand name. Olga = not cute. Two words: under wire. Have you ever been felt up by an international airport security guard? It’s nothing to be jealous about, believe me.

8. P.E. Class – Oh my god. Three words: Ow, ow, and ow. I still have nightmares about this.

7. Rumors
– In middle school, there was a fantastic rumor floating around that I stuffed my bra. Looking back, it’s hilarious, because think about all the Kleenax that would have required. Middle school girls are stupid. In high school, the first time I lost a bunch of weight, I didn’t lose any boobs. There was an implant rumor floating around after that. And guess what? Your implants? They’ll be totally obvious, which leads me to reason #6…

6. Staring – To everyone who stares (and this includes girls – straight girls too, for some reason): who the fuck raised you? Did anyone ever tell you that this is not polite? Well, I’m telling you right now, it’s impolite and it’s fucking creepy, so cut it out. Guess what, Implant Girl, this will happen to you everywhere.

5. Shirts (or lack thereof) – There are tons of cute little girly shirts on the market right now. They are not made for girls with boobs. In fact, most shirts are not made for girls with boobs. You will be left with two options: look like you’re pregnant, or look like a stripper. That’s it. Have fun.

4. Myths
– Girls sometimes want boobs because they think it will get them noticed. Yeah, you’ll get attention. But guess what? It won’t be fun attention, and it most certainly won’t be from someone you like. Do you honestly want a guy who wants you for your boobs? Don’t forget about that myth that girls with boobs are hussies. Also, to my friends: stop sending me up to the bar to get you your beer. The bartender will not serve me any faster because of my boobs. Did any of you notice that I’m 5′ 2? I have to stand on my tippie-toes for bartenders to even notice my face.

3. Mardi Gras – Supposedly, St. Louis has the second biggest Mardi Gras celebration in the country. I’ve never been. My nightmares about P.E. class are nothing compared to the nightmares of what would happen if I had shown up in an environment full of drunk boys determined to see boobs. Who the hell thought of that, anyway? Why is this legal? There is no string of beads pretty enough to make me do that shit.

2. Quatro-boob and Uni-boob – I don’t think I need to explain this, but I will anyway. Sometimes bras get too small. Boobs do not understand this. They need breathing room, and will pop out of the top of your bra in order to get it. This creates the magical illusion that you have four boobs. Sports bras, which are often seen as the solution to many boob-related problems, create the opposite effect. They smush boobs together, creating one giant uber-sexy uni-boob.

1. “Value Pac” – This is the name of an old punk band that used to tour with MxPx. They had these orange t-shirts that were super cute, and I bought one. I didn’t realize at the time the repercussions of having “Value Pac” written across my boobs. My group of friends in high school consisted almost entirely of boys, so you can imagine what they said about the shirt (I think my boobs were the unofficial mascot of that group of friends). The t-shirt met a tragic fate a few years ago when my friend Shawn borrowed it and drank a bottle of tequila. The nickname, however? Lives on.

So for any of you out there considering massive implants, or for those of you who get sad about your flattness, don’t. Just be happy with yourself and what you have. The grass is always greener, and in case you haven’t realized this, us boobylicious girls get jealous of you sometimes, too.

Also: if anyone ever calls me “Value Pac” again, I will kick you in the nuts. Have you ever heard the myth about boobs containing magical Kung-Fu powers? It is so totally true. Just ask Tony.

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