Exactly one year ago today, Jen and Ron got married. It was, I’m assuming, the best day of their lives, but it was also an amazing time for everyone else who was there. Jen and Ron are two of the sweetest, funniest, most amazing people that I know, and I love them dearly. The whole wedding weekend was hilarious, because the Jersey boys (who are some of my favorite people in the world) got to sleep at my house. I already gave Jen and Ron their anniversary present, but they are so awesome and that weekend was so great that I feel it deserves another shoutout. Happy Anniversary, you guys. Also: I miss you, Jersey boys.
And so, without further ado and with permission of the author, I present to you: The Greatest E-Mail I Have Ever Received Ever.
Kevin Nickolai’s Eighty-Three Memories of Jen Stanza’s Wedding Weekend
1. Jersey boys take slight detour to Lake Eerie.
2. Darren devours half of Steph’s casserole.
3. Pumpkin pie and rock-solid ice cream.
4. Jen skips out on work while special Ed macks on the hotties at work.
5. Brian easily scales wall at City Museum.
6. Darren fails his first of 75 attempts at scaling the wall.
7. Frank eventually scales wall.
8. World’s largest underpants.
9. “Why are we going to a museum?” – Steve
10. Frank and Steve execute impossible mid-air high five.
11. “It’s only 8:30?” – All Jersey boys after staying awake for 42 hours.
12. Darren studying for his midterm.
13. Kevin lands face first at Thunderdome.
14. Everyone successfully squeezes thru impossibly small hole.
15. “I just love climbing around shit.” – Darren
16. Steve miraculously scales the wall.
17. Darren lands on his face on his 68th attempt up the wall.
18. Eight year old girl casually walks up wall.
19. Darren turns suicidal at inability to scale wall.
20. Cell phone falls from the sky onto Steve.
21. “I hated drawing the people and I hated the people.” – Frank on caricaturing
22. Ray sets wedding invitation on fire.
23. Super fun happy slide!
24. “Lawsuit waiting to happen” most uttered phrase at City Museum.
25. “My knees are killing me” second most uttered phrase at City Museum.
26. “We’ll have one Happy Meal and six waters, please.” – McDonald’s drive-thru
27. Stephanie annoyed with receiving girly toy in Happy Meal.
28. Pizza Hut driver quits.
29. Topping arrangement involved complex mathematical matrixes.
30. Brian vehemently shoots down any consideration of IMO’s cardboard crust.
31. Steph and Kevin fail to call to mind any of the 10,000 restaurants available to eat at in St. Louis.
32. Bud-Light sits unrefridgerated on bedroom floor for 36 hours.
33. Brian and Steph disappear to make out for several hours.
34. Kevin makes it to wedding just before bride walks down the aisle.
35. Ray shows up drunk on horse with flaming pumpkin during wedding vows.
36. Bridesmaid Niki faints when she catches sight of Ray peering thru stained glass ceiling.
37. The bride side of the communion line is absolutely deserted.
38. Darren appears hungover to church-goers with eyes closed throughout entire ceremony.
39. Dennis Franz sits in front of us at wedding.
40. Jen eats Danishes, Ron eats Jimmie Dean sausages.
41. Wedding reception at Lacrosse match.
42. “Is this snack bar, the bar bar?” – Kevin
43. Toasted Ravioli at last.
44. Steve gets the old ID-check.
45. Brian bitchslaps waitress when she refuses to bring us a pitcher of water.
46. Brian bitchslaps bartenders when they fail to make Kevin’s white Russian.
47. Steve orders Miller Lite at Busch reception hall.
48. Jen hires Ron Jeremy and Arabic Ron Jeremy as the Deejays for the night.
49. Ron Jeremy screws up his one job for the night – “Mr. and Mrs. Jen Stanza.”
50. Kevin buys surfboard for bride and groom. Surfboard barely fits in van.
51. Darren very annoyed with Target employees when attempting to purchase maglights.
52. Jen admits Maggie’s Bat Mitzvah superior to her wedding reception.
53. The freaks at Table 15: Darren, Steve, Frank, Brian, Steph, Kevin, random girl, and the weird couple.
54. Matchbooks and Bubbles.
55. Darren and Kevin have too much to drink before, during, and after dinner.
56. Kevin steals potatoes from random girl.
57. Steph cuts Kevin off from drinking.
58. Brian goes and gets Kevin another beer.
59. Ron suggests Kevin is most likely to break a table.
60. Ron’s brother Dustin gives incoherent Best Man speech.
61. Maid of Honor Laura chants Ron’s phone number to Jen until she calls him.
62. Ron takes much needed smoke break before dancing begins.
63. Smooth Jazz finally stops and dancing begins.
64. Kevin wows the crowd with psychotic dancing.
65. Steve tries to convince crazy aunt that Kevin’s 42 years old.
66. Crazy aunt tells Steve to shut the fuck up.
67. Darren and Kevin attempt to tag-team Mama Cass.
68. Darren and Kevin successfully tag-team Jen Stanza.
69. Darren and Kevin fail to tag-team Mama Cass a second time as she takes off running like a wild deer.
70. Darren gets the garter. Plans on taunting Ray with it.
71. Kevin walks into Ladies restroom on numerous occasions to wash off face.
72. Kevin body slams food table in attempt to break it.
73. Kevin and James circle brainlessly on the floor during garter wrestling.
74. Darren dances with nine year old girl.
75. Darren dances with double-amputee.
76. Hosea and Mama Cass get it on.
77. Kevin and Darren romance the bridesmaids.
78. Crappy Michael Jackson is final song at wedding reception.
79. Hosea throws cat at Frank’s crotch.
80. Mystery fart clears out living room.
81. Darren shows his ass at Steph’s place.
82. Jersey boys have much difficulty backing out of Steph’s driveway.
83. “If you have to take a shit, just rip up your underwear, no one actually uses leaves.” – Frank’s words of wisdom on wiping your ass in the woods.