Iceberg! Right Ahead!

“Be not a slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think what Ralph is trying to say is… it’s time to move out of my parents’ basement.

Sometimes growing up blows. Well, growing up is fine, it’s the rent and bills that blow. Rent can EAT IT.

I’m looking forward to living with Pammy, though. If she ever comes back to town. Pammy: are you back in the Ozarks again? What the hell for? Also: get a cell phone.

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Sleigh Bells

I just finished all of my Christmas shopping, which always feels so pointless to me.

I wish that I could give my Dad his vision back. I wish give my Mom the career she always wanted or at least early retirement. I wish I could bring back Jim for my Grandma, and take away my brother’s memories of war and get rid of my sister-in-law’s seizures. Instead I have to buy them all sweaters or cds or whatever. That’s not really what they want and it’s not really what will make them happy.

When my grandpa was dying a few years ago, I tried really hard to get everyone a Christmas present that would really make them laugh and smile. My grandpa wanted chocolate. He couldn’t eat anything. I asked him what else he wanted. He just wanted chocolate. So I got it for him anyway.

Ever since then, Christmas has just seemed kind of stupid.

But anyway, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and that you all get something that really makes you happy.

Guess Who Just Put His Arm Around Me?

One of the original prosecutors of the Nuremberg trials. He’s still incredibly handsome. I was a bit weirded out at first, cuz he just kind of wandered over to me as I was looking up his name in the computer and he put his arm around me, like I was his granddaughter. But then he asked me all about myself and how my day was going and he was so warm and nice. When he left, Ruth told me who he is.

For some reason, all men from the WWII era seem incredibly handsome to me. Not like, attractive or whatever, but I’m just kind of in awe of them. They all seem incredibly dignified and chivalrous… they’re a totally different breed. My grandma’s ex-boyfriend, Art, used to say “Yes, dear” to women all the time, no matter what the question was… it was hilarious watching waitresses or whatever interact with him, because he would just bust out with the “Yes, dear”, and they would completely melt.

Also: I’m about to write my last grad school paper ever. Ever.

How I Got My Eating Disorder

Today Jacinta came up and poked me in the stomach.

“You have a belly!” she exclaimed.

I gave her my very best “the fuck?” face.

“I never knew you had a belly!” she continued, before doing her best Pilsbury Dough Boy impersonation and poking me in the stomach again.

Oh. My. God.

I mean, I’m currently a size 4, so I think she thought it wouldn’t bother me, the way people jokingly call skinny people “fat” and think it’s hilarious. But I’m not that skinny. So seriously: what the fuck.

A few weeks after I dyed handprints in Morgan’s hair, she asked him why he had dinosaur claws on his head. I thought it was hilarious. She seemed horrified that he told me about it. Note to Jacinta: if I was pissed off at you, bringing up my belly isn’t going to smooth things over.

Morgan offered to knock me over and make out with me in front of everybody so that they could see how hot I am. I told him his pity just makes me feel fatter.

I’m going to change the name of this blog to “Short”. No cake for me.

I have a belly and dinosaur hands.

I am never. Ever. Eating. Again.

No “Get Yo Freak On” Allowed

Today Morgan gave me a safe sex pamphlet that told me to not get caught “SLIPPIN’ IN YO PIMPIN’ ” and also reminded me to “NEVER HIT IT RAW”. Wow.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that “Jimmie Hatz” is reaching out to the hip hop community. But their song about Jimmie Hatz totally cracks me up (http://jimmiehatz.com). And “hittin’ it raw”? Has anyone said that since like 1993? And more importantly, should anyone have ever said it? Ew.

My favorite pamphlet from the company is the one about abstinence. It has “Get Yo Freak On” written in a circle with a slash through it. I love and respect hip hop, but I’m sorry, that’s hilarious.

Also today: I discovered Skittles Bubblegum! Skittles that last for hours and hours?! I think somebody at Mars Inc. has been reading my dream journal…