Catwalk Scratch Fever

I just found out that I get to party in a cabin this weekend.

A cabin mansion next-door to Ted Nugent. The Nuge.

Maybe I will get to see him wandering around with gun. While wearing a loincloth.

The Nuge.

It seems much more eventful than sleeping at the other end of Abbey Road. Because The Nuge is next door. Maybe he’ll hit us up to be on his show. Or at least barbecue with us. And gross me out while he guts a deer or whatever.

Me and the Nuge will be total BFFs by Saturday. You’ll see. Nuge.

The fashion show for the Foundation board went really well, although when little Dana started pumping the techno “fashion-showey music”, we all started busting up laughing. Andy threatened to strip for the board members. Morgan listed one of his hobbies as “fighting the power”. Candace wore a purple pantsuit so we called her Oprah all day. We made lots of Tyra Banks jokes. I think I pulled a muscle from laughing. I don’t know how we made it through it, really. It was so much fun. I had to stay behind afterwards because they honored me for working there for 5 years. It was kind of scary standing in front of the board without the techno. But they gave me a day off.

A day off which I will use to spy on The Nuge with The Secretary General of Cool. I’m so psyched I think I could wrestle a buffalo.

I’m One Of Those People

… who watched Kill Bill Vol. 2, and at the end was like, “They’re really cute together. Maybe they can work it out?”

It sucks that I’ll never be able to use the five-pronged-crane-jab-or-whatever-the-hell-that-thing-was on him. And that despite everything, I still really want to work it out.

We went to Ireland a long time ago. It was the best trip of my life. We had non-stop deep conversations about the future and spent the whole weekend just kind of looking into each other’s eyes, feeling special and lucky and loved.

Then the last night we were there, his cousin bought us waaay too many drinks and since I’m not a hard-booze drinker, I got sick. I straight-up barfed on Bunratty Castle, and then I leaned over a ledge to puke some more. He held me up so that I didn’t fall on the concrete. “You’re going to drop me,” I worried out loud. “No, I’m not,” he said. About five seconds later I puked close to his shoe and he flinched and dropped me on my face and I broke my tooth*.

It’s kind of a metaphor for our relationship. I tell him he’s going to hurt me. He swears he won’t. Then the going gets tough and he drops me and something inside me breaks. And regardless of everything, I still love him and I just want to forgive him because the good always outweighs the bad.

Despite the fact that I came home looking like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber, it was still the best weekend of my life.

And when Beatrix kills Bill, I really get kind of sad. She was searching for closure, and she could have slaughtered a million other people, but she’d never be okay until she saw him. And when she did, you could tell she just kind of wished it could have worked out, too.

In other news, I am off to the mall to spend money while I still can.

Okay, it’s later. I’m back. I highly recommend walking through the mall with a Victoria’s Secret bag, even if you didn’t shop there. Holy moley. Men open doors for you, the boys in the kiosks all want to talk to you, and you get service in a heartbeat. I think I have it all figured out now. Guys, you know what the big “secret” is? YOU’RE MY BITCH.

To Ron: Thank you, thank you, thank you for the heads up about you-know-who. I will be watching my ass and brushing up on my Kung-Fu.

*I have a pretty smile now, so if you just laughed, it’s okay. Especially if you’re one of the 8 people in the world who saw how hilariously f-ed up my face was. And called me “Slugger”. Haha.

“I’m Going To Die In The Jungle!”

Two great things about break-ups: I always lose like 20 lbs, and I end up breaking my Tetris record. I won’t tell you what it is, because then you would be too intimidated to talk to me. I’m that awesome.

I talked to him yesterday. He said he still loves me and he’s still thinking about it… he just really wants to work on his “celebrity status” right now. Wow. That should be enough to get me over him immediately, but unfortunately it’s not.

In the meantime, I will sow my wild oats, starting with drinking with new friends tonight and a trip to Michigan next week. Nick and Ron told me that at this point, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want. Nice. They also referred to one of my male friends as “Dr. Do-It-To-Ya”, which I thought was hysterical. And I guess I don’t have to worry about it til I fall in love with someone else, which probably won’t happen for a Long Time. I also still need a Job before the apartment in Winifred opens up.

Also: The Foundation really loved my articles!! They’ll be in the Spring newsletter!!

Kevin blew me away as the lead character in Bent. He made me laugh and cry. I was really really proud of you, Kev.

Trans-Fatties

Yesterday I didn’t think about It at all!!!

Well, I take it back. I thought about it for about 10 minutes in the morning. I tend to wake up and just be kind of like, “Oh, yeah.”

But from like 7:30 AM on, the day was Fun and I felt Loved and I didn’t cry or want to talk to him at all. So far today I’m still good.

Yesterday Tony came to town, and we ran around Target like we were 14 again and I bought a feather boa and The Ramones and he found a pirate sword and Neil Diamond.

We also tried to convince his mom to go clubbing with us. His brother offered to buy her E, and she said she already had some Ex-Lax.

At Hacienda, I mixed new friends and frat boys for the first time. There were about 15 of us. It was loud and ridiculous and awesome.

Jen and I unintentionally came up with the Best Insult Ever when she pointed out to Ron that there might be some “trans-fatties in here”. She was talking about his tortilla chips. I gasped in horror because I thought she was talking about the girls walking by our table.

I drove a cute drunk boy home at like 3 AM. He said that I have great friends, and that he wants to be my friend, too. Now I’m at work and it’s too insane to be sad.

Mark is coming to town tonight, and Tony is still here. They both drove three hours make me smile.

I feel really really loved. And I’m allowed to love them all back. And I do, enormously. This time, I think it’s okay to believe it.

I think I’m having a party tonight.

On Sunday we’re going to see Kevin’s play, which includes Full Frontal Male Nudity. OMG. So psyched.

I’ve Been Knowing You Since You Were 10

If all my friends were like J, I don’t think I would be sad.

Not that my friends are anything short of amazing. They’re always there for me.

Unfortunately, they are there for me during my weakest moments, and this is it, and it is lasting a Long Time. So they are getting kind of sick of me, and I don’t blame them. J doesn’t have a phone. He just heard through the grapevine. So I can tell him everything and feel like I’m not repeating myself. And I can tell him the new stuff that I can’t tell anyone else.

J has the ability to make me forget everything else exists, aside from me and him and the swing set we are sitting on. It’s not in the Love kind of way, but in that “Remember when we would just sit and smoke cigarettes or just walk around and we had our whole lives ahead of us and it was just the greatest feeling in the world?” kind of way.

There are 5 people who make me feel like that. They all live far away. Maybe that’s why.

That new Destiny’s Child song, “Girl” came on the radio, and he sang it to me. I laughed until I cried.

He kissed me. Not in a Love kind of way.

The last two people I kissed were Very Bad Horrible People. He wanted the last kiss I had to be good.

I’m actually smiling right now.

Thank you for giving me a memory that I don’t have to question.

And Then …

I swear to God, he has sworn that he will do all of this in his lifetime:

Live in China
” ” Buenos Aires
” ” South Korea
” ” Prague
” ” England again
” ” France
Learn Spanish
” Chinese
” German
” Gaelic
Get married at 28
Not get married but still have lots of kids
Not have kids
Bow-hunting
Normal hunting
Carpentry
Plumbing
Become a licensed auto mechanic
Cocaine
Restore a bungalow
Live in the bungalow
Travel the world forever
Live in Connecticut forever
Have a little brother in The Big Brothers program
Male experimentation
Work for a charity
Start his own company
Get a PhD
Grow his own pot
Build his own house
Sleep with lots of other women
Find God
Move his whole family to Europe
Make a CD
Be a roadie
Be famous
Live in California with his Uncle
Make triple figures
Go to grad school in Paris
Be a college professor
Own a motorcycle

I am not making this up.

When my dad’s friend asked him what he wanted to do with his life, he said, “Well, someday I’d like to retire…” That kind of explains everything.

He truly believes that he will do about 90% of these things, and that a relationship with me would hold him back.

He would not fullfill his dream of moving to Buenos Aires. Because of me.

But he still loves me. And he kind of still wants to live in St. Louis, too. Just not right now.

Oh, okay. I so totally get it now.

~~~*~~~

In other news, I am officially a part of another friend’s wedding. I am also officially going to blow my fucking head off.

I take that back. First I will fulfill my commitments. Then I will smoke like nine thousand cigarettes (because I haven’t smoked for a month!!!). THEN, I will blow my fucking head off.

Yes, I am back on Ambien. It’s not like I have to worry about getting dumped. Haha.

~~~*~~~

Since I’ve lost 15 pounds, I gave Ra some of my clothes. Last night, she told me about a shirt I gave her.

“It’s really cute, I just can’t figure out how to wear it.”

I asked her what she meant.

“Well,” she said, “I really like the slit in the front. But it has these weird bumps in the back. Jeff calls them ‘cheetah shoulders’. I really don’t get why they’re there.”

I gave her a Look. Then I informed her that she tried it on backwards. I also reminded her that after almost 20 years of borrowing my clothes, she should know that all my shirts have “cheetah shoulders”.

She cracked up. “You have NO IDEA” how long I was staring in the mirror trying to figure that out.” Then she seriously laughed until she cried.

Tonight I am partying. Tomorrow there is also a party. Maybe I will do cocaine and auto repair. I mean, what the FUCK.