Okay, first of all, has anyone else ever had to sit though AN EIGHT HOUR MEETING ON A FRIDAY?! Is that even legal?
When I can’t make somebody happy, I feel like a failure. And when I’m happy and people around me are sad, I feel like an asshole.
Growing up, my friends would always tell me that I was a great friend… a good listener who could cheer people up almost instantly. I took a lot of pride in that. But I don’t feel like that anymore. Lately, I can’t make things better for them. Maybe it’s just because when you get older, your problems get bigger and harder to control, and the only thing that can change is the person’s outlook. You can’t change someone’s outlook for them.
I’m still more sad than I should be about you-know-who, but I try really hard to focus on the good and stay happy. And it’s hard to do that when everyone else acts and sounds as miserable as I sometimes feel. And I’ll work my ass off to make them laugh and smile, so we can both forget about the bullshit and just focus on laughing Right Now. And when I can’t do that, I just feel helpless.
Sometimes people are sad about circumstances and misfortune. Sometimes people are sad because their bodies tell them to be and they can’t really help it. But other times, people are just plain in a Funk and determined to be sad no matter what, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I shouldn’t have to feel down just because somebody else is Riding the Righteous Bummer. But sometimes I really can’t help it. And I understand, because I’ve felt that way, too.
He used to call me in one of those moods all the time. I’d ask him what was wrong, and he’d say he didn’t know, even though he did. He’d demand that I cheer him up, and I didn’t know how to do that instantly, although I had a million plans in the works. I mean, what do you say when you’re far away and they won’t tell you what’s wrong? Then he blamed me and told me I couldn’t make him happy, even though he was dead-set on being down and not telling me why. It was shitty and on purpose and it fucked me up.
And now I’m always afraid that if I can’t cheer everyone else up, they’ll blame me and leave, too. And I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy if I can’t do the same for them.
My best friend is moving to Texas to be with a guy she met a week ago. She’s spent three days with him.
If I’d had the balls to move when he asked me to, I know for a fact that I’d still be there.
The only reason I didn’t go was because he told me that the worst thing he could imagine was to stay in the same place forever with the same people he’d known forever. He said that it was pathetic and the last thing he wanted to do with his life.
I was waiting for him to decide where he was going next. For a while, it was here and that made me happy. But I didn’t really care where. I just needed to know when.
He’s still there. He can’t figure out how to leave, and he’s pretty much doing the same thing I find myself doing… desperately attempting to be happy even though life isn’t going the way he wants it to.
Talk is cheap. So is giving up.
Maybe I need to move to Ann Arbor while TSGoC is asking me to. Life with the International Man of Mystery is never ever boring. And he has an incredible ability to let the bad things go and to always stay positive, even when he has every reason to be upset. And he always makes everyone around him feel great and special. Maybe that’s a DJ thing? I don’t know. At the very least, I might get to meet The Nuge and Julie Andrews.
I took an intense personality test once… it said that among my personality type (which is .5% of the population, thankyouverymuch), there is and always will be an air of sadness about us because we’re constantly searching for the perfect in all things.
It’s really true. Take my dad’s birthday, for example. There were tons of people and it was a fantastic time. But you know, he still couldn’t have any birthday cake. And I had to read him his birthday cards. And that really bummed me out, even though he told me he had a great day.
For a while, things really were perfect enough for me to break through all of those Eeyore clouds that follow us all around. But not anymore.
The personality test also said that I was on an insatiable quest to find my soulmate. Well, that’s fucking fantastic. Why can’t I be part of that personality type that settles and is totally okay with it?
I really hope things work out for Ra in Texas, even if she is batshit crazy. And they probably will be really happy together, as long as she hasn’t fallen in love with a Liar, too.
I’m still really happy and lucky. But it’s not perfect. And even if it were, I still can’t make it better for everyone else. And that kills me.