So here’s how I spent my yesterday:
9:00 – 9:30 Attempt to get out of bed without disturbing my mother of a hangover.
9:30 – 9:40 Successfully dump all the contents of my nightstand drawer on the floor while looking for Advil.
9:40 – 9:45 Find sleeping pills. Consider declaring the day “a bust” and going back to bed.
9:45 – 10:00 Locate Advil. Attempt to swallow while lying down. Avoid choking.
10:00 – 12:00 Watch 2 episodes of “I Love The 80’s 3D” (1980-1981). Revel a little too much in the nostalgic musings of Michael Ian Black and Hal Sparks. Simultaneously laugh and groan on repeated occasions.
12:00 – 12:15 Kix. Steffy tested and Steffy approved.
12:15 – 12:20 Glance at clock. Feel pathetic for wasting day watching VH1. Remember Daylight Savings Time. Laugh heartily about the phrase “that’s one hour I’ll never get back”.
12:20 – 11:25 Reset clocks.
11:25 – 11:30 Pause to fondly recall the Daylight Savings Time episode of “The Adventures of Pete and Pete”, which made an extremely valid point: you can do anything you want during that extra hour, and it won’t matter because, technically, it will be ERASED FROM TIME FOREVER.
11:30 – 11:35 Change into jeans and hoodie. Appreciate “new hoodie feel” of green hoodie. Wonder what I would do for an hour if I could erase it (besides watching “I Love The 80’s”). Wish that the Jersey boys were here to discuss it with me.
11:35 – 11:45 Smoke while appreciating “The Adventures of Pete and Pete”, Greatness Of.
11:45 – 12:00 Play on MySpace. Inform Tony of mutual friend’s Bun in the Oven. Ponder Friend Request from this guy:
12:00 – 1:00 Watch “I Love The 80’s 3D – 1983”.
1:00 – 1:10 Play on elliptical trainer.
1:10 – 1:15 Elliptical trainer squeaks One Time Too Many. Rummage through closets for allen wrenches and WD-40.
1:15 – 2:00 Dismantle, desqueak, and reassemble elliptical trainer. Watch “I Love The 80’s 3D – 1984”.
2:00 – 2:30 Play on elliptical trainer. Listen to “Appetite for Destruction”.
2:30 – 2:55 Shower. Sing preferred selections from “Appetite for Destruction”.
2:55 – 3:00 Open experimental box of Egg Matzo crackers. Appreciate taste, texture, etc. Determine that Egg Matzo crackers are indeed superior to Thin Salted Matzo crackers.
3:00 – 3:30 Receive call from Tony. Describe last night’s party. Make Tony jealous for missing the reemergence of Drunk Adam. “OMG” with Tony about latest pregnant friend. Debate who won the “honeymoon baby” pool.
3:30 – 4:00 Blow aimlessly into harmonica.
4:00 – 4:15 Drive to Guitar Center for harmonica “sheet music”. Secretly enjoy new Black Eyed Peas song. Miss Salt ‘n Peppa.
4:15 – 4:40 Discuss with Guitar Center employees, at length, the lost art of the harmonica. Leave out the part about the Black Eyed Peas, for cred sake. Score phone number from “smooth” Guitar Center employee.
4:40 – 4:55 Drive home. Ponder age and legality of said Guitar Center employee.
4:55 – 5:00 Dig on Deep Purple’s “Hush”. Drive extra lap around the block to finish rocking out.
5:00 Leave for walk. Call Las Vegas.
5:00 – 5:30 Talk to sister-in-law about Las Vegas, Greatness Of, while marveling at fall colors, perfect weather, and pretty Kirkwood.
5:30 – 6:00 Talk to brother about kids in his neighborhood. Listen as brother threatens to yell at kids. Remind brother about the Cranky Neighbors of Fourth of July Past, as well as the Crazy Old Man on the Hill who threatened trespassers with a shotgun. Admonish him to not be “that guy”. Finish walk.
6:00 – 6:30 Master “Jingle Bells” and “Row Row Row Your Boat” on the harmonica. Probably piss off a neighbor or two. Flip page to find music for “Oh, Susanna”. Skip to the next chapter because, really.
6:30 – 6:40 Attempt to blow single notes as opposed to chords. Try “tonguing method”. Produce musical raspberries. Laugh. Catch self in mirror while attempting “tonguing method”. Laugh some more.
6:40 – 7:00 Skip ahead to “Talking into Harp” chapter, a la Stevie Wonder. Commence Happy Dance, because Talking into Harp = Fun!
7:00 – 7:30 Call Tim. Take requests. Impress Tim and Joe with rousing rendition of “Hot Cross Buns”.
7:30 – 8:00 Make fruit salad. Ponder arguments for Intelligent Design while peeling an orange because, let’s face it, oranges are effing genius.
8:00 – 9:00 Watch “Family Guy” and “American Dad” with Warren. Argue about what time it really is. Call Time and Temperature to verify.
9:00 – 9:15 Marvel at the international beer selection in Warren and Mike’s fridge. Demand that Warren let me join his band.
9:15 – 9:30 Greet roommate and company. Give roommate good news and bad news. “Good news – I fixed the squeaky elliptical trainer. Bad news – from now on, I eat, sleep and breathe this harmonica.”
9:30 – 9:40 Miss Kevin. Sob uncontrollably and count the days til he gets back.
9:40 – 10:10 Start watching half of episode 2 of “Freaks and Geeks” just to hear “Hush” again. Wish that I still had a locker so I could coat it with posters of James Franco and Jason Segal. Wonder if I can get away with making an “I heart James and Jason” collage for my office.
10:10 – 10:15 Think about Karl, because Jason Segal looks and acts just like him. Text Karl to wish him Sweet Dreams, even though his crazy DJ ass will probably be up all night. Get text back. Blush.
10:15 – 10:45 Read Tom Wolfe’s “I Am Charlotte Simmons”. Decide that it’s “eh”. Wish I had picked a better book. Pity Mark, who is about to find out who dies in the latest Harry Potter. Get mad about Harry Potter. Remember the good times… Quidich, Butterbeer, etc. Go to sleep.