Bob Loblaw, Wee Britain and Nevernudes

I have never hated anyone or anything as much as I hate Fox right now.

No, no… not Fox News. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Fox News, but right now I would rather ride a paddleboat through Katrina-infested water with Bill O’Reilly than show any love for the Fox Network. Hell, I would rather hang out at a party with all of my ex-boyfriends (as opposed to a party with half my ex-boyfriends, which is practically every weekend because most of them rule) than show any love for Fox.

The other day, I went on MySpace to check my messages, and there was a nice comment from my friend Ethan about our mutual love of Freaks and Geeks. In case you guys missed it, Freaks and Geeks was an absolutely brilliant show on ABC, with loveable characters, Emmy award-winning writing, and it contained the absolute best soundtrack of anything that has ever aired on television, ever – including the entire catalog history of MTV (but excluding any documentary that has ever aired about Bob Dylan or The Beatles). Unfortunately, the geniuses at ABC decided to air this show during primetime. On Friday nights. So naturally, after one season it bit the dust.

Believe it or not, I don’t really watch a lot of TV. Hell, I even hate The Real World with a passion now, and if you’ve known me for more than five years, you probably just did a nice spit take with your coffee all over the computer. Sorry. And when I do watch TV, it’s usually on in the background while I clean the apartment, work out, cook, practice the harmonica, make something pretty (My new love is mosaics!!!), etc. Former latchkey kids have a comforting attachment to background noise.

But after reading the comment from Ethan, I took a moment to mourn the loss of Freaks and Geeks and to thank my lazy 9-5 lucky stars that I had a few shows with impressive writing, actual plots, and great acting to watch before I pass out at 10 because I am OLD. My friends and I are obsessed with Lost, and I’ve replaced Ice & Fuel Mondays with our Wednesday night Lost gathering as my favorite weekly ritual. And if you touch me while I’m watching Veronica Mars, you’re guaranteed to lose a finger.

So after that warm fuzzy moment, I clicked on my messages and found one from Arnold that informed me that Fox. Fucking. Canceled. Arrested Development.

I have never loved any show (or book or play or poem or film) the way that I love Arrested Development. The writing is witty and hilarious and smart, and the cast’s delivery and improv make every scene priceless. This is quite possibly the only show that I have ever quoted repeatedly in conversations, and I have to watch the episodes again and again because my friends and I laugh so hard that we usually end up crying laughing through the next two or three jokes.

I think that David Cross said it best when he said this:

“I got an idea for what you can do – why don’t you fucking fire your complete marketing team, all right? Get a new one in there who knows how to market a show that’s won five mother fucking Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Producers Guild Awards, critic’s Top Ten lists… you know, if you can fucking – if you can’t market that kind of a show and get better ratings? Than maybe the problem doesn’t lie here. Maybe it lies with marketing. Goodnight.”

And he said this all while wearing a Mrs. Doubtfire-esque bodysuit, boobs and all, which kind of explains everything you need to know about Arrested Development. And any show that recognizes the brilliance of Bateman while making Liza Minnelli seem kind of cool deserves kudos from their network.

Hell, if FX could run a day-long Prison Break marathon, they could do the same for Arrested Development. If Fox can bring back Family Guy, they can pit AD against something else besides Monday Night Football and see what happens. And honestly, if they can run The Simpsons for eight billion years and run The O.C. for three (which is two crap years too many), then they could, at the very least, order the “back nine” and give the cast and fans the full season that they deserve.

Fox, I hope that your hand gets bitten by a bloodthirsty seal and you end up in bed with an MRF. I’m willing to bet that you do business with Sadaam and you enroll your children in “Army” because “the fat man dared you”. At least Arrested Development could make all of those things absolutely fucking hysterical, along with vertigo and kissing cousins and prison. You can take your Prison Break and your beautiful beautiful Wentworth Miller and Eat It. Even your surrogate dad hates you.

And to everyone else: seriously, put down the nachos and sacrifice a half hour of football to watch Arrested Development, and I guarantee that you’ll absolutely love it.