Champs and Chumps II: The Fellowship of the Chumps

A few of my friends asked for more, so here we go:

CHAMPS cards

The man who recently sang “Foxy Lady” to me, Garth-style: Because you’re the cutest and I love you.

TSGoC: For a fantastic weekend, and for always being so honest and sincere. And you get an extra one for being the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.

My Family: Because they love to debate through e-mails (if they were younger I’d create a message board for them) and the most recent political debate pissed me off and I called them all crazy. I’ll tell you what I wrote verbatim in the CHUMPS section. I thought I would get about 50 loving “screw you” e-mails today, but instead I got a “right on” or a “solid” from all of them, including my dad. So yay family! Maybe I can rap about the government with you guys after all.

Fruit Salad: Sometimes when people are pissed off, they get violent. Sometimes when people are upset, they eat. I’ve discovered a way to stay healthy and merrily stabstabstab my problems away. Huzzah!

Veronica Mars: For being so totallyfreakingawesomeOMG. I heard that they’re killing off a character tonight and after the Harry Potter Incident, I’m scared. But as long as it isn’t Weevil or Logan, I’ll be okay.

My Roomate: For being the strongest, hardest working person that I know, for making the apartment Christmas-y, and for making it to level 5 in Super Mario Bros. 2 last night.

Identifying Fallacies: Because it’s fun pointing out when people are wrong and being able to logically prove it. Note to the frat boys: don’t let me argue with Peter when we’re drunk.

Christina: For finally getting a two-button mouse for my computer at work. Suck it, Control key!

Jeremy: Because when I got serenaded the other day, it reminded me of that time in 8th grade that you sang “Cryin’” to Erin during lunch and everybody knew that you were going to do it so when you walked over to her, the entire cafeteria bum-rushed the table. You sang it anyway and Erin shot you down, but it was okay because you held your head high and all the other girls loved you for it. 20th Century Aerosmith rocks, dude, and everybody knows it. And also, you get a CHAMPS card for having serious moxie and bigger balls pre-puberty than most men will have in a lifetime.

The Bee Season: Because I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN. Writers that I respect have told me that they cried when they finished this book, because they missed the characters and their world so much. Honestly, how can you ignore a recommendation like that?

CHUMPS cards

Erin: Because damn, girl. You couldn’t go to the roller rink with him ONE TIME?

Republicans: For voting for religious candidates because you feel like you “have to” or because pro-life is just 1 of 100 points on their agenda. Voting for the best overall candidate will not make you a bad Christian, I promise. And if we’re going to have a billion extra babies running around that you refuse to abort, can’t you let more people adopt, regardless of their sexual preference or marital status? And most of my friends are not looking to get married right now, but in case they do, I’d like for ALL of them to have the option, capisce?

Democrats: Because you’re like the mean girls in the junior high cafeteria. Say what you want about Fox News and I’ll probably agree, but they’re really just treading water in a sea of 500 liberally-biased channels that have no qualms ripping on anyone who remotely leans towards the right, regardless of what they’ve said, done, or believe in. And guess what? Not EVERYONE in the blue states voted for your guy and your states were just as close of a call as the rest, so can you stop using “Red State” as a euphemism for ignorance?

Both Sides: Because you’re all whiners that spend too much time pointing fingers as opposed to fighting for the greater good. Wouldn’t it be better to eliminate the source of problems rather than bitching about the possible solutions? I’d much rather work towards providing free accessible birth control and sex-ed classes with permission slips (so both sides can shut up about how to teach their kids) instead of just plastering pro-life/pro-choice bumper stickers all over my car.

The Mall: Because I drove by you today and I’m still pissed off. Eff you for existing.

Lost: For going on a 6 week hiatus, causing extreme pain and withdrawal for myself, my friends, and the 8 million other people that you have successfully hooked. Your show is like crack, and to take it away for that long is just plain cruel. Also (and this concerns every episode to date) WTF.

Static Electricity: I don’t know what the hell is up with my apartment. I have never been shocked this much in my life. When I’m curled up in a blanket on the couch, I can literally HEAR myself charging. I swear to god, I’m going to start a fire one day. I have honestly seen sparks shooting out of my fingers like I’m Jubilee from X-Men. Human hands were not created to scintillate. It hurts, yo, and I have a TOUCH LAMP so this is going to be a long, painful winter.

Motion-Activated Paper Towel Dispensers: They have these at my work and they’ve spoiled me to the point where sometimes, if I am in a public restroom (at a bar) and I am preoccupied (drunk), I’ll find myself tapping my toes expectantly in front of the paper towels with Jazz Hands until I get busted.

People Watchers: Don’t get me wrong, I love people watching, especially when I’m in another country or basically anywhere with an interesting tableau of people. And I know that people watching at the airport is a total cliché, so everyone assumes that it’s acceptable. But I don’t like it when people are shamelessly staring at me, especially everybody, especially at terminals like in Detroit and Charlotte where everybody basically sits in a massive semi-circle and the shops are miles away and there are no TVs and nothing to do but stare at me like that parking lot scene in “The Faculty”.

So what if I’m reading about Nick and Jessica in US Weekly? Maybe I finished my two books on my original flight, and maybe I bought three more in Michigan and I finished two of THOSE on the way here and I can’t really run around O’Hare with any more shit, because O’Hare looooves to make me sprint from Terminal A to Terminal Z at any given time. Yes, I am wearing a tank top in December. Yes, I probably need to brush my hair. Yes, I am reading about Gyllenheath’s cowboy movie and eating Combos. Why is that so interesting? Are you jealous? I know my Combos look hella good, that’s because they are so get your own. What the fucSTOP LOOKING AT ME.

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Filed under Champs and Chumps, Ew Politics Ew

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