If you want funny, you should skip down to yesterday’s entry, because today’s is retrospective and more for me than anything else.
I’m at a really weird place in my life right now.
When I was little, my mom quit her job to go to grad school. Soon after, my dad lost most of his vision due to diabetes, and he lost his job, too. Our family lost a lot of money, I was thrown into public school, and life was pretty hard on my parents. I had to sit back and watch all of that happen without being able to control it or help in any way.
I became very scared of growing up, of having to pay for things like college and rent and all the rest, because if my parents couldn’t do it, how could I? I learned firsthand what happens when people fall behind or can’t make it, no matter how hard they work or how good of a person they are. I saw that bad things could come out of nowhere and hit you at any time, changing your life forever. I became terrified of change, because I had been through a lot of changes in a short amount of time, and none of them had a positive affect.
Growing up, I was really anxious and worried about the future, and this affected everything I did, from the way I slept to the way that I ate, and to the way that I treated other people. This really came to a head during the times when huge changes were about to occur, like graduating high school or finishing grad school and having to look for a job.
But now I’m here. I’ve arrived and it’s okay, and although I have loans and leases and requirements and commitments, there’s a strange freedom to it all because I’m not worried anymore. If I can’t sleep at night, it’s because I’m wired, not because I’m upset. If I start to stress, I’ve learned to take a step back, see the situation for what it is, and make the solutions tangible, because they always are.
Before now, I had always been secure in the fact that I was in love. I’ve basically been in love with someone, or loved someone, or had someone love me since I was sixteen. Everything else in my life was chaotic and too much to handle, but that was the one constant in my life. And right now, I’m realistic about the relationships that I have, and none of them really equate the love that I had or that I want, but that’s okay.
It’s weird how that all worked out. I like being on my own and exploring the options, and maybe I needed to strip myself of that security before I could really be okay. .
Now that those big clouds over my head are gone, and I know I can weather anything, it’d be nice to share that happiness with someone else. I’m a better person right now than I used to be, much more relaxed and mellow, and I don’t worry about the unforeseen or other people’s problems like I used to. I don’t cry and I don’t freak out and I don’t… care. It’s okay.
And while I’m constantly finding ways to change things up or make life interesting, my life feels pretty complete, because all the stress and anxiety and goals that I had were leading up to right now. And I’m really excited about what’s to come. It’s weird to have one aspect of your life in a solid and secure place while the rest is out of control, only to find yourself in the opposite position in the span of a few months. Everything is there except for that one little spot, that one little void, and that’s really okay. I know the best is yet to come, and I get to experience it all from the beginning when it’s fresh and new, and that’s the most exciting part about it. Sometimes I envy the people who already have that person, but at the same time, they’ll never get to experience that newness again. And maybe it’ll happen here, maybe it’ll happen when I move, but either way, I’m ready, and I’m having a lot of fun in the meantime, while I still can.
I don’t know why I’m feeling so profound right now… it might be because we’re having the first major snowfall of the season, and that always has a weird calming and reflective effect on people.
Just one of the many perks/downsides about having an office with a wall of windows, I guess. Other perks/downsides include the fact that it’s huge, so they put the department cutting table and light table in here. It’s also the warmest office in the winter and the coldest in the summer. And, as I’ve said before, it looks like a crayon box exploded in here, so it’s more fun than the average office.
So needless to say, I get a lot of visitors. It’s fun having the “cool office”, but it’s hard to concentrate sometimes. Especially right now, because it’s beautiful outside, and all I want to do is stare out the window and smile and feel happy that, for right now at least, I’m exactly where I want to be.