It’s All About The Vitamins, Baby

I genuinely dig being single. I think this is the longest I’ve been on my own since I started dating (which was a million years ago, because in two weeks I will turn twenty five, which is almost halfway to my AARP membership and therefore officially OLD).

It’s always a really weird feeling when someone likes you and you don’t like them back. I mean, the majority of my friends are boys, so it’s bound to happen every now and then, either from their side or mine. And I hate having to give the “friends” speech, because no matter how much you care about the someone, the gist of it is pretty harsh: “I love you and I love hanging out with you, I just don’t want to sleep with you is all.” I really try to avoid putting myself in this position, because I kind of know how that feels. Except when a guy says something like that to a girl, it’s usually flipped around: “I want to sleep with you and I like hanging out…”

And although I doubt I’ll have this effect on anyone, ever, I went through a really bad break-up last year – the kind where it hurts to do anything, even chew. I’ve written a few times on here about the benefits of the “divorce diet”. And yes, I did get skinny. But when you’re too heartbroken to eat, much like any other time you don’t eat, it puts your body through hell. And among the many medical mishaps that resulted from that break-up, I developed a bunch of nutritional deficiencies (Iron, protein, B-6, etc.) that haven’t quite sorted themselves out yet.

I’m not trying to bum you guys out, because my doctor found a solution: Pre-natal Vitamins. And I’ve decided to kill two birds with one stone: get all my nutrients AND ward off any unwanted advances/awkward conversations. How, you ask?

That’s right, y’all. Baby-Me-Now.

Out of all the men who may presently like me, and even the few who claim to love me, I highly doubt any of their devotions run THAT deep. So when guys come over to hang out, the Baby-Me-Now is displayed prominently on my nightstand. And when they ask me about it, I keep mum – literally – and just kind of smile and shrug. That should do it, right?

So, while all of you know the truth about the vitamins, for all intents and purposes I want someone to baby me. Now.

Jen and I discussed taking it up a notch or two:

JEFFrey! LOVE me! Hee.

It doesn’t have anything to do with attraction. I just don’t want a boyfriend right now, period, and sometimes people don’t understand that. But thanks to Baby-Me-Now, I can avoid hurting any feelings and rest easy – especially now, considering pre-natal vitamins contain 1,500% of my daily requirement for Vitamin B.

Also, I’m still on the pill, so my uterus is probably all like, “The fuck?”

The only guy who I might still have to worry about is Tony, because he and his family have made it perfectly clear that they want me to produce a Guilfoy grandbaby. This may or may not be an issue when we move in together, because if I get pregnant then he loses a drinking buddy. Knowing Tony, it could go either way.


Filed under Botheration

4 responses to “It’s All About The Vitamins, Baby

  1. Karatechop

    i’m the dude

  2. Steev

    Jerk…i got that speech from you before. ha! love ya!

  3. SecretlyStephie

    Oh, WHATEVER… you mean when we were both butt-ass wasted and Ray was upstairs doing his best Linda Blair impersonation in the bathroom? That wasn’t the “friends” speech, that was the “well technically, I kind of already have two boyfriends” speech.

    I love you very much, too. Baby me now.

  4. New Jersey Kevin

    steev would enjoy this I was teaching the kids the geograpghy of the united states today and I was able to draw 49 states on the board. Can you guess the one I forgot? That’s right, and I even appendaged her onto Florida just to confuse the kids further.

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