Beatific Bananas, Sprightly Sprouts, and Barking Spiders

When I lived with my parents, I took over the grocery shopping duties as soon as I got a car. So I learned a long time ago to never go to the grocery store hungry. Unfortunately, the last time I went to the store it couldn’t be avoided, and my stomach was practically howling.

Luckily, I always hit the produce section first, and by the time I made it out of there, my cart was basically full of fruits and veggies. I debated putting some things back, but instead just grabbed the usual refills of milk, OJ, and eggs and checked out. Fruits and veggies are expensive, and while I don’t care if I have to throw out some lettuce every now and then, I refuse to throw out $60 worth of this shit. So, aside from the occasional barbeques that I’ve attended in this freakishly beautiful weather, that’s pretty much all I’ve been eating, not necessarily by choice but by circumstance. And that, combined with steady doses of Baby-Me-Now, has kind of turned my body and consequentially my entire worldview upside-down. Once again, hooray for nutritional overkill!

I started out yesterday with a nightmare about spiders. I was standing in my room watching a big gross hairy spider climb up the wall, and as I was summoning up the courage to kill it, I heard a hiss and a growl, and I turned around to find an even bigger, hairier, more poisonously colorful spider staring at me. And I woke up totally spazzing out, which seems to happen to me a lot (and according to Steev is really funny). Also: I dreamt about barking spiders?!?! HA HA AWESOME! If you don’t know what a barking spider is, I’ll invite Tony and his ass over someday to demonstrate.

I usually try to avoid Dream Journal Entries, because I might as well add flash animation of unicorns and include the phrase BFF in each entry (which reminds me: CONGRATULATIONS RA!!!!!!). But my nightmare about spiders is somewhat applicable because while a dream about spider webs implies that you’re caught up in a situation or conflict, a spider climbing up the wall foresees that things will start to go your way, and previous conflicts and concerns will begin to resolve themselves. And also, soon after waking up I read the latest Salami Tsunami, which made me laugh out loud.

So many bizarre things happened yesterday that should have bothered me or worried me or made me angry. Pretty much every hour, I’d either receive a phone call with ominous news or sit through an intense meeting, and I’d walk away or hang up the phone with a weird feeling – kind of a mix of Kafkaesque-ness and deja-vu, candy-coated with serenity and energy. Like, “Did that really just happen? Should I be worried? Shouldn’t I be crying? Don’t I usually get upset about this stuff? Why the hell do I feel so damn good?”

And just like that, all of the negativity would disappear. I’d catch myself every now and then thinking, “Oh yeah… wasn’t I supposed to be pissed off or something?”

The only downside of my day that actually affected me, albeit ridiculously, was my walk to Jen and Ron’s house. I grew up (and still live) in a world where a girl can walk alone in the middle of the night without any fear or concerns. However, the two-mile “shortcut” to their home requires a trip under a scary bridge, over the highway and through the eerily quiet industrial park.

I suppose wandering around in the dark wearing a pink hoodie, pigtails, and my PJ pants should have made me feel vulnerable, but that’s kind of an everyday activity for me. The thing is, I was on my way over there to watch Lost, where characters continuously disappear into the woods, and are only seen again in creepy backwards talking Twin Peaks-esque hallucinations. Or ghosts. Or something. We don’t know. That show is fucked up.

So while I was walking under the old railroad bridge next to the woods, with a nice spooky opening into the creek and lord knows what else, I wasn’t afraid of a rapist or a mugger or being kidnapped for my family fortune or whatever… I kept thinking about creepy island pirates and weird whispers and Lostzilla (tm TWoP) and vanishing without a trace.

Which is really nice, when you think about it… to only be afraid of what you know for a fact doesn’t exist, and to feel protected from all of the rest.

After the superscary episode of Lost, however, I was legitly concerned about ooky bodysnatchers, so I squelched that by calling Steev in New Jersey and making him keep me company all the way home.

We joked a lot about the Action Slacks (tm Jen and Ron) that I was wearing, because while he was visiting he INSISTED that they were pleated, and we would lie in bed in the morning cracking jokes about Morgan Fairchild and Ashanti busting out of my closet to sing an Old Navy Pleated-Boot-Cut-Performance-Fleece-Action-Slacks jingle. “PLEA-ted, BA-by! WhoaoaAAAWOOOAAA-Action-SLA-AA-uhh-AAAACKS-CHA!!!” (tm Stephie and Steev, jazz hands required).

So the walk home was silly instead of scary, and I fell asleep smiling. And as of this morning, all of those problems from yesterday (which really were heavy and urgent and potentially life changing) magically disappeared, and the weather felt like Spring and everyone was laughing more than usual.

And. AND! My mom found my Wicket!!!! Wheee!

He’s a little worn for the wear, but still the cutest baby Ewok ever. And yes J, there’s the lamp. And the Baby-Me-Now. I used to carry Wicket around for good luck and I’ve been looking for him for years. And when I went down to the basement, sitting right next to the light switch was my little Wicket, smiling and waving.

So I will gladly welcome the climbing spider again, should he decide to visit me… but more more than likely, I’ll just be hanging with the barking ones because Tony is coming over soon and we are going on another pretend-scary walk.

So I guess the lessons for today are:

1. Scary teevee is fun!
2. Climbing spiders = good. Barking spiders = bad.
3. Go for long walks and let your imagination run wild.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and take a break from the big stuff, too.
5. Baby-Me-Now, Greatness Of
6. Wicket’s change of address: Stephie’s purse.
7. And most importantly, eat your fruits and veggies, kiddos.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Beatific Bananas, Sprightly Sprouts, and Barking Spiders

  1. Pingback: Mustache Dreams « Secretly Stephie

  2. Pingback: Mustache Dreams « Secretly Stephie

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