Champs and Chumps III: C + C Shout Out Factory

One more time – we’re gonna celebrate…

CHAMPS cards

Big Love: If you know me, then you know about my obsession with cults. I am utterly fascinated with cults and weird religions, so you know I love me some Big Love. My favorite episode of any TV show is the mandatory, gimmicky “cult episode” where somebody gets sucked into a group or religion that’s just a bit off (see: Boy Meets World, Veronica Mars, Family Guy, 21 Jump Street, etc.)… so this is like my favorite episode every week. I’m not necessarily talking about the Mormon belief in general, but about those compounds and communities hidden around Utah, which this show discusses at length. It’s so effed up, which makes for effing awesome TV. However, could we lighten up on the gratuitous Bill Paxton ass shots? It’s getting out of control, or as Jen put it, “I think that time I saw some junk!”

Mark: “Just a reminder that I still love you. I love you so much I would save you if you were in the middle of burning lava. I love you so much that if you were a cat I’d buy you fancy feast every day, none of the dry food. I love you so much if we were ever in a music group together, and I became the most popular, I wouldn’t sell you out for a solo career. Just thought I’d remind you how much I love you.”

Maxim: For sending me a message on MySpace asking me to be in their “Hometown Hotties” section. If you know me, you’re laughing hysterically. I keep picturing showing up to the shoot wearing PJ pants and a hoodie, and being like, “Okay, let’s do this.” But thanks anyway. Honestly, I’m more flattered that I get to be in The Takedown’s Top 8.

Liz: Because she’s using three colors in her wedding, and she told me that I get to pick the color I want to wear… and then she went on to say that I can pretty much pick out the dresses in general, because “I mean, you’re the one wearing it…” Fun! Despite how much I hate shopping, I think I’ll be okay with Liz around, and here’s why: every time I call her from the mall – and I mean every time without fail – I find an outfit that I absolutely love. This only happens when I’m talking to Liz and it happened again yesterday, so she gets an extra CHAMPS card for that. And I guess she can have another one for the whole “congratulations on getting married” thing.

Sunflower Seeds: How else can you eat for three hours straight and only consume two teaspoons of actual food?

Steven King: For writing a column called “Confessions of a TV Slut”, which makes me feel better about sometimes skipping the Shakespeare for Flavor of Love. There’s something reassuring about the fact that Steven King feels my pain. And he understands my obsession with Veronica Mars and Lost, which means we could totally hang. Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep at night after reading his shit.

Six Degrees of “Everything Stephanie Thinks Is Awesome”: Here’s one example – the theme song for Veronica Mars (my favorite show) is by The Dandy Warhols (one of my favorite bands) and can be found on the album “Welcome to the Monkey House”, which is also the name of the first book I read by Kurt Vonnegut (my favorite author), which I picked up when I was fourteen because it had the word “monkey” (which is my favorite animal) in the title. And last night’s episode included Maeby and George Michael from Arrested Development (another favorite show), a guy from X-Men (my secret favorite franchise) AND a shout out to TWoP (my favorite website). And it just kind of goes on from there…

Got all that? Lately all of my favorite books/movies/actors/whatever have been showing up in the same places or showing love for each other and it just adds an extra element of awesome to it. Also: Stephanie likes Veronica Mars? No shit?

Flying: Because it’s the perfect excuse to buy 3 or 4 books I’ve been meaning to read. I’m stopping by the bookstore before I go to the airport and I can’t wait!

Everything is Illuminated: Although I don’t really want to read the book, I’ve heard amazing things from my friends who have. Bill showed me the film adaptation the other day, and it was unbelievably witty and touching. The first half is one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time, and the second half is one of the saddest… which is a pretty decent ratio, considering it’s about the Holocaust. You’ll understand when you see it. And you should see it. So go.

CHUMPS cards

Tony: For moving. Moving is for sucks. Now all five of my fiancés live out of town. Which… I guess means I have room for one more? Crazy Mike? Anybody?

Calendar Clusters: I’m going to Florida this weekend. While I’m really excited about it, I’m bummed out because I have to miss Mark’s stand-up gig, The Takedown show, and Tony’s goodbye parties. Hey guys, do you know what I did last weekend? I slept, I read Shakespeare, and I watched 21 Jump Street. All weekend. Can you distribute the fun stuff evenly throughout the month, s’il vous plait?

Life: You know how they say it’s good to be sad, because otherwise we wouldn’t know what it means to be happy? Well, I haven’t been sad in a really long time… and I was starting to take all the happies for granted. I’m really bummed out today and I almost forgot how much it sucks. But still, I’m dealing with it a million times better than I would have a year ago, and it’s nice to realize that… so there’s a silver lining, I suppose.

Packing Lots of Clothes in Tiny Suitcases: Because asking me to choose between my pink hoodie and my green hoodie is like asking me to choose between my children.

The Mall: Nice try, MALL. As if you’re off the hook just because I found one cute outfit. CHUMPS to you for even thinking we’re square.

What’s Black and White and Red all over?

I’m sure you guys know this by now, but when it comes to discussing politics and religion and office gossip and whatever, I’m annoying as hell because I WILL STICK UP FOR EVERYBODY. If you’re ripping on somebody, I’ll disagree with you even if I agree with you.

I’ll speak out against homophobia when I’m around boys with Bibles, but I’ll stick up for most religions around my boys with boyfriends. I’ll yell at pro-lifers who want to control my uterus, but I’ll point out that religious pro-lifers are kind of the reason I’m alive. Hell, if you’re pissed at LouAnn in accounting for snapping at you, I’ll point out that she’s probably just stressed about the Whatever Account, and I’ll stick up for you later when she bitches about it to me.

I know it’s a pain in the ass, which is one reason why I try to avoid politics like the plague. I just like rooting for the underdog, and I like to see both sides of every situation. And even though I grew up in a *gasp* religious home in the *scream* Midwest, that’s something I’ve always been taught to do (And how many opinions of me did you just form when you read “religious” and “Midwest”, anyway? Being midwestern and even semi-religious is like being an American in Europe).

Sure, there are black and white areas in life, but for the most part everything is relative. Progress and understanding are amplified by the gray areas, and you can’t have the gray areas without both the black and the white.

Cow spots lead to cow pies, just like closed minds lead to bullshit.

And as I’ve said before, while you have every right to say that apples are red, don’t forget that not all apples are red, and not everything that’s red is an apple.

The gaps in this world are wide enough, and I don’t want to contribute to pushing them even further apart. The world won’t get better until we build bridges, and you can’t do that without reminding people that there’s another side. And bridges are essential because, while you don’t have to go there, people won’t be able to come to you without one.

Cloud Mine

All right, I lied. I do have a boyfriend. But not a boyfriend in the “we go out to dinner and the movies” kind of way.

I mean the “I have his poster on my wall and I giggle when he’s on the TV and I am thirteen OMG he’s 2 cute” way*.

I haven’t reacted like this to a boy on the TV since I was ten and I saw Eddie Furlong in Terminator 2. He was in Aerosmith’s “Living on the Edge” video and I taped it and watched it like 800 times.

That is exactly what I want to do with Madonna’s new videos, because she has a back-up dancer who is honestly the hottest guy I have ever seen in my life. He’s the guy dancing in the restaurant in “Hung Up”. He’s also the crappy boyfriend in “Sorry”, so he is obviously my type.

He goes by the name “Cloud” and he wears a tiny little vest.

I don’t even care; that’s how hot he is.

I mean, my favorite cloud IS the Funnel Cloud. Je-sus.

When Madonna performed at the Grammy’s, the first thing I did was look to see if he was dancing behind her. He was. And then I hugged myself, and then I passed out.

You guys, I watch VH1’s Top Twenty Countdown just to see him. I am really committed to this relationship. And I’m not alone… when I googled around to see who he was, I found like 20 extensive fansites, made by everyone from teen girls to grown men (which just proves that Cloud is Universal). So I’m not the Swimfan-iest fan of the bunch, but still. If he ever read this entry, he’d probably look something like this:

Oh, Cloud. I am so very hung up on you.

*I don’t really have his poster on my wall. But if anyone knows where to get one, feel free to help a girl out.

There’s Something About Mary’s Son, Jesus

My dad and I hung out yesterday, and our conversation was beyond awesome.

First, let me point out the following things:

• The blog title is from a post that Jessica left on “Who In The The What Now”.
• My dad is a Born-Again Christian, not in the crappy “in-your-face” judgmental way, but the “always nice and never talks shit” leading-by-example way.
• Even though he’s not that bad, we get into political debates all the time and I love to tease him about What Jesus Would Do.
• He’s like 4’11 and totally non-threatening, unless you refuse to clean your room or give him “that tone of voice, young lady”.

Okay – this is the best conversation I’ve ever had with my dad:
Me: I hate to say it – and I know this sounds weird coming from me – but he really needs to just put her in her place and tell her to shut the hell up.

Dad: You mean… keep her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Heh.

Me: Oh my god. No.

Dad: Well, she does kind of need… to get slapped (immediately blushes).

Me: No, he needs to punch her.

Dad: Oh, I wouldn’t go tha – well, yeah.

Me: In the face!

Dad: Hee hee hee.

Me: Seriously! He needs to punch her in the face!

Dad: (flailing arms in excitement) Right in the mouth!

Me: (high-fiving him) I KNOW!

Dad: Just… you know, one punch. One good one.

(Pause)

(He’s totally asking for forgiveness in his head. I can tell)

Me: Hey Dad? Do you think Jesus is mad at us?

Dad: (giggling) Oh, we’re kidding…

Both of Us, Thinking: …kind of.

Dad: You know what, Stephie? (pulling me into a hug) I think we have a spot reserved in Heaven for having to deal with all this crap.
I love my dad more than I’ve ever loved him in whole my life. Also: I’m going to Heaven!