#*$%ing Married People

If you’re married or about to be married, then skip this entry.

This happens to be about 75 percent of my audience, but guess what? It’s my blog and you don’t get to have everything. Now get off the computer and go see “The Lake House” or something Married like that.

So for everyone else: don’t you hate married people?

Kidding. But married people are kind of bored and they love hearing about O.P.P., so they’re totally still reading this.

All right, fehyne. I warned you. So here’s a rundown of what I did yesterday:

• I listened to one of the graphic designers at my work talk about the great reception hall she’s renting for her wedding.
• Then Vee got her pictures back from HER wedding, so we sat in her cubicle cooing and giggling over her photo album.
• Then I checked my e-mail, and I found out that my old friends Emily and Ben just got engaged
• Then I checked flights to Florida for Liz and Andy #5’s wedding.
• Then on the way home from work, one of my friends called and I told him about how Ra eloped, and we talked about Ty’s wedding.
• Then I had to go to Target to buy Katie and Joe’s wedding present.
• The chick working by the registry recognized me because I have been there three times in two weeks.
• Then my cousin called to talk about her upcoming wedding, and I almost hung up on her.
• Then I had to pick out something to wear to a pre-wedding party, which will consist of 90 couples and a guy who hates me because I broke up with him.
• Then I was just plain pissed off and tired and sick of all this wedding bullshit. And all I wanted was to relax with my friends and have a few beers and laugh about life. And I met up with them, asked them what they’ve been up to, and one couple smiled and looked at each other and can you guess what they told me? CAN YOU GUESS?

I get really defensive when Ray makes fun of Missouri, but this time he’s right. What the fuck is wrong with you people? When did you decide to all get married at the same time? Did I miss a meeting or something? Is this why my mom yelled at me for skipping cotillion?

I called TSGoC because he feels that the institution of marriage is a pointless charade, and we had a nice conversation about everything else that matters in the world. And then I gave him the rundown of my day, and he said, “What the fuck is wrong with Missouri?” He’s right. I’m moving.

I used to be like everyone else, but it wasn’t my fault. I had a boyfriend who used to talk about getting married all the time. And he was always the one who brought it up, not me. I’d catch him staring at me, and he’d say shit like, “I was just thinking about what it will be like to start a family with you.”

“Awww,” said all the married people, who are still reading this. Then they leaned over and gave each other a kiss, because married people do shit like snuggle and read blogs together*.

But then he read some article that talked about the rising divorce rate, and how businessmen and musicians always cheat on their wives. And since divorce is his biggest fear and he’s going to be a musician/businessman, he became convinced that if he ever got married, to anyone ever, he would inevitably get a divorce. Ergo, no wedding.

Then he acted as though he was my savior, because this way I wouldn’t have to experience the heartache of a broken home. And also: “I just – I don’t want all this pressure.”

Me: “But I didn’t say anything, Einstein. It was your idea.”

But hey, if he’s right then technically I only have to be mad at 40 percent of you… you people.

Man, I remember how it used to be… the first time a friend of mine got married, it was so exciting. I spent a lot of time picking out the presents, housing friends from out of town, listening to all the details, etc.

Hell, even their one year anniversary was awesome. I slaved over a lump of clay for months making a Meatwad bowl, because I love my friends and I am so thrilled when good things happen to them.

See? See how happy I was for them? I wasn’t always like this.

So for the nine couples (Nine!! NINE couples, which equals EIGHTEEN of my friends) who have asked me to celebrate their special day with them this year: I do love you and I wish you the best, and I truly am very happy for you.

I’m just… tired. I’m too tired to get excited about that shit right now. I’m sorry. I don’t have that much clay. I don’t really have the time or the money either, but I’ll still be there because I love you. You’ll just be getting a nice set of bath towels, is all.

P.S. Because Jen and Ron got married before all of the insanity, the statue of limitations allows me to still be happy for them. They are my best friends, amazing people, and the least annoying couple I know. I love you guys.

P.P.S. And if you’re one of the newly engaged people who read this anyway, it’s not about you. No no no, not at all. It’s the other eight couples, I swear.

* I hate you guys.