Credit Where Credit Is Due

I’ve always gravitated towards people who are characters… so naturally, there’s at least one great story about everyone I know.

When the Jersey boys came to town, they met the Frat boys. The Frat boys have known me since I was 14 so they know everything about me, including who I’ve dated. And whenever they meet my “new” friends, they like to tell as many weird stories about me as possible.

Between meeting the Frat boys and catching up with Jen and Ron, the Jersey boys got to hear my entire dating history in a day and a half. In the course of an hour, they heard about 15 stories that included the phrase “Steph’s ex-boyfriend” or “this one guy who liked Stephie” or “Remember when Steph went out to dinner with him?”

Because of this, Frank likes to think that I’m a heartbreaker who has dated everyone in a 50 mile radius. He makes fun of me all the time. He left me a really clever comment (signed “dad”) the other day. And you guys can’t see this, but when you leave a comment you’re supposed to sign your e-mail address. He signed his comment:

dadisnthappy@stephmakeslovetostlouis.org

At the time I thought it was Tony, because Tony is so protective of me that we call him Dad. If I was hooking up with anybody I’d be offended, but I’ve been on a self-imposed dating strike for a while now and I think I’ve earned my virginity back. And you know why it seems like I’ve dated everybody? Because they’re all still around. I tend to stay friends with everyone, including boys I break up with.

Nevertheless, Frank told me he’s upset that he didn’t get credit for his sweet joke.

So here it is: Frank thinks I am a sassy man-eater, and he probably has a bet with Ray over what city I will date next.

Are you happy now, Frank? I stopped making out with somebody just to type this, so I hope it was worth it.

Well, That Was Easy

I have this running joke about Liz’s determination to be my Maid of Honor. You would think that since I’ve known her since the fourth grade, she would be first pick. But I’ve known Ra since first grade, so she’s practically my sister and therefore automatically wins. This hasn’t stopped Liz from trying, though.

Stephie: God, Ra really pissed me off yesterday.

Liz: Oh. (beat) So can I be Maid of Honor?

I might let them share it, since I’m Liz’s MoF and Ra just ran off to Texas to get hitched. But we’re about a million years away from that, right? I should work on finding a boy that I don’t get sick of first.

Liz has planned my wedding to every boyfriend I’ve ever had. And now she’s planning weddings for guys I’ve never even dated:

Subject: Liz’s plan for Stef

Sneffy-head,

Okay, it’s official. I have a plan for you. Tony has come down to visit me several times while he was here on business. He said that he might be transferred to Tampa which is 45 minutes away from where I live. So, my plan is to encourage you and Tony to get married, live in Tampa, have children, come visit me every weekend, and live happily ever after. Seriously, don’t you miss Tony? Isn’t that a great plan? Don’t you want to have little Irish Tony babies? You can have a dog with some Irish name sit at the dinner table and Tony would feed it with a spoon. COME ON!!! You have your Masters and you will be able to find a job down here. Let me know what you think…

You know what’s funny? That’s exactly how I end all of my e-mails at work. “Here’s my plan for the blahblah campaign. Let me know what you think…”

She did sum up my life with Tony quite nicely, though. I wouldn’t be caught dead living in Tampa, but the idea of having Tony and Liz around forever is ideal.

Tony called me from Florida after the first time he visited Liz. Tony and Andy5 are BFF now, which is too cute. But he told me that his favorite part was just sitting next to Liz and talking to her. “I don’t really know how to describe it, but it felt so good, you know?”

That was my favorite part of Florida, too. He’s exactly right. Liz just has this amazing effect on people, but I don’t know how to describe it either.

I’ll have to describe it eventually, though. Those speeches are hard, man.

W.U. Tang Girls Ain’t Nuthin To F**K With

Scene – Apartment

Niki: Can you do me a favor?

Stephie: Sure. What is it?

Niki: Can you come car shopping with me today? There’s this car I want to check out, but the guy sounds a little sketchy.

Stephie: Why? What’d he do?

Niki: Well, it’s a dealership with two locations, but he’s the only one who works there.

Stephie: Huh.

Niki: Right. And when I asked him where his office was, he said it was in the parking lot of “Chuck’s Boots.”

Stephie: Hee. Hee hee. Um…

Niki: Exactly. Can you come?

Stephie: I’ll go if you want me to, but I’m not sure I’m the best person to go haggling with. I’m not very… you know…

Niki: Heh. Yeah, Dustin was like, “Are you sure that Stephanie is the most intimidating person you can find?”

Niki: …but I just need somebody there to help me feel it out.

Stephie: Okay. I’ll go.

Niki: Thanks.

(beat)

Stephie: Oooh!

Niki: What?

Stephie: (running to room) I’ll wear my boob shirt!!

Niki: There you go.

Scene – Waiting Room, in front of “Coyotes at Grand Canyon” painting

Stephie: (staring at painting) I should get something like this for [friend].

Niki: Ew. Why?

Stephie: Well, she likes dogs. And she likes stuff that’s (stage whispers) really cheesy.

(Receptionist glares at us)

Stephie: Like, if my great-aunt bought if for me on vacation, [friend] would luuuuuv it.

Niki: Hee hee.

Stephie: Man, that is so butt.

Receptionist: (loudly) O-KAY! Ready to go?

Scene – “Chuck’s Boots” Parking Lot

Car Dealer: And everything’s been checked out and blahblahblah carfax blehblahbleebloo perfect condition.

Car Dealer’s Cologne: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Niki: (thinking) Roll-up windows. Damn.

Stephie: (thinking) How much cologne is he wearing? Damn.

Car Dealer: (thinking) Check out that cleavage. Daaaaaaamn.

Scene – Test Drive

Stephie: Turn on the air conditioning.

Niki: Okay.

Scene – Five Minutes Later

Niki: Wow. That’s taking a long-ass time to cool down.

Stephie: I know.

Niki: Are you sure it’s on?

Stephie: (pulling hair in ponytail) It says it is.

Niki: Wwwwow.

Scene – Three Minutes Later

Stephie: (tearfully) It’s like it’s getting hotter.

Niki: We should turn it off.

Stephie: (in Ralph Wiggum voice) It tastes like burning!

(beat)

Niki: Blahblahblah alignment blehblahbloo pickup somethingsomething steering.

Stephie: You’re good at this.

Niki: Well, I’ve been doing this every day for like the past two weeks.

Stephie: (staring at reflection) If you look at yourself in the window, it makes your arms look really really skinny.

Niki: Really.

Stephie: So that’s something.

Car: Clunk clunk.

Scene – Back at “Chuck’s Boots”

Stephie: Let me out! Let me out!

Niki: (jumping out of car) Aaagh!

(beat)

Niki: (standing in front of a giant bank sign that reads “94 degrees”) It feels good out here.

Me: Seriously.

Car Dealer: Hey ladies! How’d it go?

Niki: Have you checked out the air conditioning?

Car Dealer: Oh. Right. That’s the one thing that we haven’t fixed yet.

Niki: Riiiight. Can I think about it?

Scene – Driving Home, 30 Seconds Later

Niki: I thought about it! No.

Stephie: Let’s go home and stand in front of the freezer.

Niki: Okay.

TSGoC: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

So I’ve written quite a few stories on here about The Secretary General of Cool and why he’s my favorite man on earth.

But I discovered yet another reason Why Karl Is Cooler Than All Of Us Combined:

He looks exactly like Peter Fonda in Easy Rider.

He even looks like Peter Fonda hanging upside down (which is what he’s doing in that picture – I’ll try to find a better one when I get home).

So should I stick with TSGoC, or should I start calling him Captain America?

Dustin calls him “Hot Karl”.

Nick and Ron call him “Dr. Do It To Ya”.

When I told him about that one, he replied, “Sweet, that’s my new DJ name.”

Blog-city has a “Visitor Poll” option and I made a poll for it, but I can’t figure out how to post it. TSGoC is way easier to type. But it’s something to think about, at any rate.

No Sleep Til (nuh nuh… nuh nuuuuuh) Monday!

I didn’t sleep all weekend.

I’d almost forgotten how bad that feels… how cranky and emotional and shitty I become when I haven’t slept at all. Looking back, it surprises me that people stayed friends with me or actually dated me when I was on a sleepless bender. And I’m shocked that my parents never sent me back to the orphanage.

If you’ve never hung out with me when I haven’t slept for days, it’s kind of like this:

You can’t tell from looking at this picture, but my brother and I always had a blast with our Grandpa. We used to go to the riverboats all the time before they turned into casinos. And why wouldn’t we? Check out that view!

Jesus, what is with me in that picture? Now I can’t stop laughing.

I had a really productive and amazing day, despite the no-sleep thing. I finished one book, read another one, ran a few miles, finished Karl’s mosaic, hung out with the family, took the first half of the Mensa practice test, watched Deadwood (and my boyfriend Sheriff Bullock) with the crew, had a nice conversation with Cute Boy, and ate an awesome dinner. Y’all, Niki’s lasagna was so good that Dustin almost cried.

So yeah…it was a good day and I didn’t take the crankies out on anybody. And my nice sleeping pill cocktail is kicking in, so hopefully I’ll be back to my old self soon.

Theeeere she is.

Throw Your Hands Up At Me

I don’t think I’ve ever written about the infamous Steelesville Cabin on here, which kind of surprises me. Remind me to do that someday… I have at least 50 stories about it, including one where Ty and Adam blow up a car.

My favorite part of the cabin was the rowboat on the lake… I don’t know why, but I had a lot of fun just kind of floating around and thinking. It was fine when other people were with me, but I didn’t care either way.

One day I hopped in the boat, grabbed an oar, and started to push myself out. Right as I scooted off the land, Heather ran up to the lake and yelled, “Wait! Wait for me! I’ll come too!” She jumped from the dock into the boat, grabbed an oar and started paddling.

“You know what’s really cool about you, Stephanie?” She said. “You’re not afraid to do things by yourself.”

I had never realized that about myself until she said it, and I liked the idea of it a lot (Heather always had the best compliments for everyone). So keep that in mind as I tell you about the conversation I had the other day:

Girl: What are you going to do today?
Stephie: I think I might go to a movie.
Girl: Oh. With who?
Stephie: I don’t know. Nobody, unless you want to go.
Girl: No, I have to meet up with [boyfriend].
Stephie: That’s cool. Call me later, then.
Girl: So you’re just going to go?
Stephie: Yeah.
Girl: By yourself?
Stephie: Yeah…?
(She makes Smell the Fart Face)
Girl: Why would you want to go by yourself?
Stephie: Why do I need to go with someone else? Will I be talking to anybody?
Girl: Well no, but…
Stephie: I worked in a movie theater, dude. We did that shit all the time. And if I go with any of my friends, it has to be a couple, right? Then it’d feel like your date, and I’d be tagging along, and that’s a million times more depressing, I think.
Girl: But at least you wouldn’t be by yourself.

There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling alone.

When you have insomnia for most of your life, you get used to being alone. And when you’re in a long-distance relationship for years and years, you get used to a lot of freedom. You have to really like yourself to be in those situations. You can’t survive if you don’t know how to function on your own. And once you realize how fun you are and how easy it is to entertain yourself, the world kind of becomes your playground.

It’s not like I don’t remember what it’s like to have someone else. I spent about eight years in a row with one boyfriend or another, and some of them (*gasp*) even lived in the same city. I know that feeling – things are just better when the other person is around. You’d almost rather sit home and wait for them than go out without them. When you have that person to snuggle with, or whisper to, or to just… stand next to, you feel lucky. Safe. Happy. I remember that. I’m not knocking it. I’ll probably feel that way again eventually. And I know that when you’re married, it’s a completely different ballgame – one that I won’t fully understand until it happens to me, too.

But I also know how addicted people can get to that feeling, to the point where you’ll convince yourself that any relationship is better than no relationship at all. And I remember what it’s like when you first break up with someone. It hurts to do practically everything: grocery shopping, renting movies, even driving around in your car. You’ve spent so much time not being alone that you forget how to function when you are.

I think that’s why I like being single so much… I’ve been so determined to hold onto that independence that I tend to push away the people I date. I don’t want to see them every day. I don’t want to have to tell them where I’m going. It pisses them off and hurts their feelings, but that’s just where I am right now.

It’s not like I’m afraid of getting hurt… I’m just afraid of losing that sense of myself. It took me a long time to discover that feeling again, and now that it’s here I’m having a ball. I love hanging out with Stephanie. Stephanie kicks ass.

But here’s what gets to me the most… and this happens at least twice a month, when I catch up with an old friend and they ask me what I’ve been up to:
Me: …and then I got my Master’s Degree, and now I’m writing for a living, and lately I’ve been running and doing some art projects and –
Them: So, are you seeing anybody?
Me (and I AM NOT making a puppy face here): No…
Them: *tsk* Aww… don’t worry. You’ll find someone.

WTF? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’m completely okay? That I had no problem being single until you made me feel like I should? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, so stop treating me like I’m dying just because I don’t have a date to Trivia Night*.

I like feeling like I’m whole and complete all of the time, even if I don’t have that better half. I like feeling loved and safe and secure every second of every day, instead of just when he’s nearby.

About a month ago, Peter called me. Peter is still in school (and he is also my very first boyfriend ever, but that’s another story). I always wondered how he felt about being in college… I mean, now that we’re all graduated and have jobs and apartments, it must be weird, right? How much does it suck to still have classes? Remember writing papers? Filling out scan-trons? I mean, Jesus.

But our conversation started out like this:
Peter: Hey, babe.
Me: Hey! Are you in town?
Peter: Yeah, til Friday I think.
Me: What are you doing in town?
Peter: Summer vacation.
Me: …
Peter: Hello?
Me: Sorry, I had to remember what that means.

You guys, they get the whole summer off!!! Remember that shit?

And that’s when it hit me. Being married and having kids will be really fun… it will be a really fulfilling phase in my life and I won’t have to deal with all this dating crap…

…but I’ll never be able to have a summer vacation ever again. So I need to enjoy this while it lasts and make it fucking count.

I mean, I wanted to see a movie. What the fuck is wrong with seeing a movie by myself? I don’t have to worry about if you will be late, or who’s picking up who, or if it’s polite for me to pay, or if you’re checking out that other girl or if you’re mad that he’s checking out me, or how much salt you want on the popcorn vs. how much I want, and dammit stop drinking all of my slurpee and can I please have the armrest back, please?

*And guess who beat all three couples in Trivia? Your combined brains couldn’t beat mine, and I’m the one you pity? I’d take that over having a boy to light my cigarette any day. It’s called priorities.

(I don’t usually win at Trivia, but I did this time and it proves a point, so I’m rolling with it. But yes, I do realize that most of you have beat me in Trivial Pursuit at least once. And that my brain is nothing compared to Team Papoose (me and Jen). And it is fun when a boy lights my cigarette. But I still say I’m a champion.)

Stephanie Quits Life, Joins Mensa

Man, I just don’t feel like doing anything.

I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t want to walk anywhere. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to finish my mosaic or practice any instruments or finish the book on my nightstand.

I wish the animal in the picture was a bear or a caterpillar, because that’s probably a little more accurate. I just want to curl up in a cocoon, or at least hibernate for a while.

I think sitting at a desk all day is starting to get to me. I love my job, but my old job was so incredibly physical and now I just sit. I sit and think. You’d think that I have all of this energy bottled up, but I don’t. I have no idea where it all went.

Take Monday, for example. I had this weird craving for portobello mushrooms, so I spent a while looking up recipes and planning all this shit out. But by the time I got out of work, just the idea of the grocery store made me tired, so I went home and ate Spagettios with cut-up hot dogs.

This has happened to me before, so I know I’ll snap out if it. I’m not depressed or anything. And I’m certainly not lonely, despite the fact that everyone thinks I should be*. I just… I don’t care right now. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to laugh or cry or feel anything. I just want to lay on the couch and play video sudoku** and watch a high-speed police chase on Spike TV. Is that so wrong?

I don’t feel like being ON, is all.

~~~*~~~

Despite my emotional strike, I couldn’t help but smile yesterday.

Brad: Peanut Brittle.

Me: Peanut Brittle? What?

Brad: Peanut brittle just popped in my head… it kinda fits you though. Sweet and nutty, but solid.

Brad and I used to hang out and talk every day, and then for whatever reason we just kind of vanished out of each other’s lives. But it’s one of those great friendships where we seem to have one long fantastic conversation that stretches out forever, and no matter how long it’s been we can pick up right where we left off. I’m glad it’s back on. When I snap out of my funk, he’ll probably be the first person I call.

~~~*~~~

So yeah, I’m taking the practice test for Mensa and I love it… I always thought that it would be more comprehensive and complex, but so much of it involves simple logic and reasoning, and I live for that shit.

I really hope I get in. When I’m on, I’m all about meeting new people and doing weird stuff, and it just sounds like so much fun. They have all these get-togethers with people my age, and I’m really curious about the kind of people I’d meet. AND I discovered that Mensa has SHIT parties (So Happy It’s Thursday) and that just made me fall in love with them.

~~~*~~~

So I forgot to mention that Ted came to town last weekend with his son, who’s almost 3. He looks exactly like Ted, except he’s about two feet tall and he thinks that pushing an ottoman around the living room is the coolest.

I haven’t seen them in about a year, and it always amazing how quickly kids change and grow. We were watching a video about trucks, and he turned to me and said matter-of-factly, “That’s a street sweeper.” And I just kind of looked at him like, “Jesus, that was a complete sentence.” He’s a little person now and he’s so awesome. I’m really proud of Ted.

Later on Ted and I went to the Hi-Pointe and hung out with Mike, which was cool. Mike is one of the funniest people I know and also one of the smartest. I like him because he makes me feel really stupid, but then he makes me laugh it off.

Ironically, the one time I could wear a hoodie and jeans to a bar and fit in, I didn’t. That night was the girliest I’ve looked in years, and then we ended up at the Hi-Pointe and all of the hardcore girls were probably plotting to kick my allegedly prissy ass. I can never win.

~~~*~~~

*I’ll write about this when I have more energy, because some of you are really starting to piss me off with that bullshit.

**To Frank, Steve, and Ray : I don’t remember how much I thanked you for that thing, but I play it all the time and it’s so much fun, so thank you thank you thank you again!

Almos-Def

Dear Cast of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat,

Can we all say this together? “Definitely”.

Once more, with feeling: “DE-FI-NITE-LY.”

It is not pronounced “DE-FI-NUL-LY.”

Or “DE-FEN-LY.”

And especially not “DEF-LY.”

I realize that you want to sound confident and intimidating, but seriously? I counted over 20 mispronunciations of “definitely” in one 23 min. episode. That does not impress me, it just makes me think that you are retarded. And when did “definitely” become the new “literally”?*

And speaking of mental differently-abledness, I will pay for a screening of Rain Man just to make sure you get it. I’ll even make popcorn and run the post-screen Q&A. Hell, Raymond could teach you a thing or five about those easy-ass “Exile Puzzles” or whatever the fuck you kids are doing for money these days.

It is probably my fault for watching you. You guys used to be crazy awesome (like the time you got all effed up in Jamaica) so I gave this season a shot. But I have degrees in English and Communications, and this “definully” business hurts my feelings.

Also: “escape goat.” Ahem.

Please stop,

Shortcake

*The worst is when they use both at the same time: “I am defenly going to literally kick his ass.” For more on “literally”, check out this site. And YES, I realize that I should not lecture anyone about anything immediately after admitting that I watched The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. But see, this is why blogs are so fun. I do what I want.

God Is My Co-Pilot (And Also My Spotter At The Gym)

I should point out, given the subject of yesterday’s Shortcake, that I used to be a Sunday School teacher*.

This doesn’t mean I was super preachy… I was in charge of the preschoolers, so it was more about crayons and glue sticks than the Bible (little known fact: this is how I got the nickname “Miss Sneffany”, and why I sometimes call pretzels “prinzels”. Preschoolers are not big fans of the letter T).

Aside from holidays, I haven’t been to church in a really long time. My old non-denominational church was super open-minded and diverse, and it made me appreciate the good parts of spirituality without having to deal with judgmental assholes. Then our pastor retired, and the church got taken over by stereotypical evangelical pricks. It hurt my feelings to go there, so I stopped.

I looked around for a new church for a while, but nothing felt the same. I usually end up getting offended or pissed off or sad. I hate what Christianity has turned into and what church has become. I miss what it used to feel like.

Ironically, when I think about church, I think about Rock ‘n Roll. My church friends were all a few years older than me, and they were all hippies and punks who loved music in general.

We used to lead the congregation during worship service, so we’d get together outside of church once a week to practice. We would do a quick run-through of our “set”, and then we would spend the next two hours just playing and singing our favorite shit. Bob Dylan. Tom Petty. The Doors.

At the start of each service, we would play random music while everyone came in and sat down. My friend Destiny’s favorite thing to play was “Cornflake Girl” without the words. We once sang a song by The Eagles while the ushers collected the offering. And yes, our drummer had a cowbell.

I’ve been wandering from church to church trying to recapture that warmth and openness that I used to feel, but I think I’ve been going about this all wrong. People just aren’t reliable. Good tunes, however, will never let you down.

So from now on, I will spend my Sunday mornings driving around in my car or running on the track… listening to my Jesus Mix Tape:

NOW! That’s What I Call Church Vol. 1

1. Spirit in the Sky – Norman Greenbaum
2. The Sound of the Sinners – The Clash
3. Are You Gonna Go My Way – Lenny Kravitz
4. Amazing Grace – Destiny’s Child
5. Shadrach – Beastie Boys
6. His Eye Is On the Sparrow – Lauryn Hill
7. Jesus Is Just All Right – Doobie Brothers
8. Turn! Turn! Turn! – The Byrds
9. Crying in the Chapel – Elvis Presley
10. Jesus Walks – Kanye West
11. Personal Jesus – Johnny Cash
12. Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan
13. My Sweet Lord – George Harrison
14. God Gave Rock ‘n Roll To You – Kiss

I will not play the Jesus Mix Tape at any time except for Sunday mornings (assuming I wake up before noon). I will not force anyone else to listen to the Jesus Mix Tape, or even ask them if they want to hear it**.

It’s really just for me. That church always gave me a sense of belonging and balance and happiness, and music was a force almost as active as God in that respect. Combining those factors and eliminating the politics is just common sense, and I’m kind of pissed that it took me so long to realize it.

*A long time ago, Ex told me that he fell for me because I was a Sunday School teacher who once punched a girl in the face. This is still pretty much my favorite compliment ever.

**Note to Frank: this includes all of the imaginary boys that I wake up with after a hot night of fornication.

Oh, Did I Mention Jen Got Drunk?

Okay, Katie and Joe’s wedding. No offense to the other weddings, but this one was pretty awesome and I don’t know if the other ones will be able to live up to it.

Katie is one of the prettiest people we know (and she used to be a wedding dress model, for pete’s sake) so there was no question that she would be a beautiful bride. But still, when she walked down the aisle, everyone gasped. Niki commented later that she looked just like Cinderella.

We also gasped because Katie’s dad? Is the spitting image of Terry Bradshaw.

When couples take their vows, it’s always touching and emotional and somebody cries, but those two were just so damn CUTE about it, too. The monsignor looked absolutely smitten as he interrupted to remark, “You sound like you really mean it!”

The reception was fantastic. They had a polka band! A POLKA BAND! Even better, they have an amazingly artistic and eclectic circle of friends and a big fun family, so it was an absolute blast. They gave everybody pint glasses with their picture on it, and Katie (who is unbelievably talented) fashioned a ceramic Katie and Joe for the top of the wedding cake.

The cutest moment of the night (not involving Katie and Joe) had to be when a little girl ran up to Jessica and announced, “I want a boy to dance with.” Jessica said, “I’m on it.” and promptly took her over to Nick, and all of us girls giggled as we watched them dance. THEN the girl ran back and said, “Okay, now I want another one. Younger.” She was almost pushing it at this point, but it was still cute. And man, don’t you wish we were still young enough to get away with that?

I’m normally the sole smoker of the group, so you can imagine my surprise when I walked outside and found a giant tribe of fun new people. I felt like the Bee Girl at the end of the “No Rain” video. The smokers were such a fun bunch that I saw SIX non-smokers take at least one drag by the end of the night. It wasn’t peer pressure so much as the sign of a really fantastic party (like those parties every February where people break their New Year resolutions). And Jen got drunk, which kind of sums up everything.

I have tons of other little memories, so I’ll just pull a Kevin and list them for you:

• “Did the same girl just walk down the aisle three times?” – Erin, about Katie’s sisters/bridesmaids.
• Dan chooses a particularly quiet moment in the ceremony to wind his disposable camera.
• When the head table is called to the buffet, Ron and Nick (the groomsmen) immediately taunt their mothers and special lady friends for having to wait in line.
• Maid-of-Honor’s speech: “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our dad looks like Terry Bradshaw.”
• Someone mentions “that hairless rat pet thing” during their speech, and the whole room screams “STELLAAAAA!” Since most of us went to Webster, a theater reference was inevitable. And also: we were drunk.
• During his speech, Joe orders everyone to drink. “A lot.” Everyone complies, including Jen “Half Pint” Stanza (!!).
• Dan and Erin bet on who will puke first.
• We spot a guy with a Hitler-esque mustache standing in front of a German flag.
• Niki and I fake pose in front of the flag so that Erin can get a picture of Hitler.
• “I guess they’re German?” – Everyone sitting near the flag.
• We all agree that the bartender is almost putting too much booze in our drinks. Almost.
• I tip the bartender at least half of my paycheck.
• The dollar dance lasts for like four songs, because who doesn’t want to dance with Katie?
• Erin and I are super impressed by Jessica’s America’s Next Top Model stilettos.
• Becky and Stephanie bond over America’s Next Top Model.
• Everybody comments at least once about how hot Marcel is. And when I say “everybody”, that includes a few married men and all the moms in the building.
• The polka band plays the Chicken Dance, the Hokey Pokey, and Proud Mary.
• Nick “hilariously” berates me for being single. While everyone tells me to kick his ass, I just glare at him. Ten seconds later he drops his drink. I made him drop his drink with my brain, you guys.
• “It’s like he’s my best friend!” – Ryan, about the bartender.
• Everyone goes back to Winifred to party.
• Lots of funny/deep/meaningful/insightful conversations take place, which no one will remember because we are DRUNK. And when I say “we”, that includes Jen.
• I tell everyone in the car that I’m too good for Mensa. Luckily, this is about the same time I stop drinking.
• I wander into a really heavy conversation, and bust out my most successful distraction ever: “So… there’s a hot Italian guy playing guitar on the balcony. Wanna watch him with me?”
• And finally, my favorite quote of the night: “I’m STAG! And I’m drinking STAG! WOO! STAG!” – John