W.U. Tang Girls Ain’t Nuthin To F**K With

Scene – Apartment

Niki: Can you do me a favor?

Stephie: Sure. What is it?

Niki: Can you come car shopping with me today? There’s this car I want to check out, but the guy sounds a little sketchy.

Stephie: Why? What’d he do?

Niki: Well, it’s a dealership with two locations, but he’s the only one who works there.

Stephie: Huh.

Niki: Right. And when I asked him where his office was, he said it was in the parking lot of “Chuck’s Boots.”

Stephie: Hee. Hee hee. Um…

Niki: Exactly. Can you come?

Stephie: I’ll go if you want me to, but I’m not sure I’m the best person to go haggling with. I’m not very… you know…

Niki: Heh. Yeah, Dustin was like, “Are you sure that Stephanie is the most intimidating person you can find?”

Niki: …but I just need somebody there to help me feel it out.

Stephie: Okay. I’ll go.

Niki: Thanks.


Stephie: Oooh!

Niki: What?

Stephie: (running to room) I’ll wear my boob shirt!!

Niki: There you go.

Scene – Waiting Room, in front of “Coyotes at Grand Canyon” painting

Stephie: (staring at painting) I should get something like this for [friend].

Niki: Ew. Why?

Stephie: Well, she likes dogs. And she likes stuff that’s (stage whispers) really cheesy.

(Receptionist glares at us)

Stephie: Like, if my great-aunt bought if for me on vacation, [friend] would luuuuuv it.

Niki: Hee hee.

Stephie: Man, that is so butt.

Receptionist: (loudly) O-KAY! Ready to go?

Scene – “Chuck’s Boots” Parking Lot

Car Dealer: And everything’s been checked out and blahblahblah carfax blehblahbleebloo perfect condition.

Car Dealer’s Cologne: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Niki: (thinking) Roll-up windows. Damn.

Stephie: (thinking) How much cologne is he wearing? Damn.

Car Dealer: (thinking) Check out that cleavage. Daaaaaaamn.

Scene – Test Drive

Stephie: Turn on the air conditioning.

Niki: Okay.

Scene – Five Minutes Later

Niki: Wow. That’s taking a long-ass time to cool down.

Stephie: I know.

Niki: Are you sure it’s on?

Stephie: (pulling hair in ponytail) It says it is.

Niki: Wwwwow.

Scene – Three Minutes Later

Stephie: (tearfully) It’s like it’s getting hotter.

Niki: We should turn it off.

Stephie: (in Ralph Wiggum voice) It tastes like burning!


Niki: Blahblahblah alignment blehblahbloo pickup somethingsomething steering.

Stephie: You’re good at this.

Niki: Well, I’ve been doing this every day for like the past two weeks.

Stephie: (staring at reflection) If you look at yourself in the window, it makes your arms look really really skinny.

Niki: Really.

Stephie: So that’s something.

Car: Clunk clunk.

Scene – Back at “Chuck’s Boots”

Stephie: Let me out! Let me out!

Niki: (jumping out of car) Aaagh!


Niki: (standing in front of a giant bank sign that reads “94 degrees”) It feels good out here.

Me: Seriously.

Car Dealer: Hey ladies! How’d it go?

Niki: Have you checked out the air conditioning?

Car Dealer: Oh. Right. That’s the one thing that we haven’t fixed yet.

Niki: Riiiight. Can I think about it?

Scene – Driving Home, 30 Seconds Later

Niki: I thought about it! No.

Stephie: Let’s go home and stand in front of the freezer.

Niki: Okay.


Filed under Adventures, Conversations

7 responses to “W.U. Tang Girls Ain’t Nuthin To F**K With

  1. Chop

    I had a similiar problem with an old van we used to have. If you turned on the air con it would actually get hotter. Probably not going to be an easy sell on a 94 degrees humid as hell St. Louis afternoon, but hey thats why you don some cologne and just let the ladies in their boob shirts fall for your charm.

  2. Meursault

    maybe if you wore your voob shirt I could have got more than 500 bucks for uncle jays dead van, its a thought, uncle jays dead van meant more than 500 dollars to me

  3. Aw. Poor uncle jay’s dead van. Did I ever tell you about when I cleaned it out? The owner sent some guy out to unlock the van for me, and then he disappeared.

    * I was crawling under the seats to make sure I had everything, and all off a sudden the guy (who was mildly retarded, btw) appeared out of nowhere and yelled, “SO THEY JUST WENT BACK TO JERSEY AND MADE YOU GET ALL THEIR SHIT? THAT’S SHITTY.”

    He scared the crap out of me and I bumped my head, and he was spitting cookie crumbs all over himself when he talked, too. So next time I will wear my voob shirt, don’t worry.

  4. Meursault

    we owe you for that, if you ever need someone killed or anything, you know who to call, you rule stef

  5. No no no… just fly back and see us again soon, or let me stay with one of you when I visit, and we’re square. How’s that?

  6. Meursault

    sounds like a plan, I may be on a terrorist watch list though, so pack your snorkel, yeah jersey shore!

  7. Kevin

    I miss Niki. I miss everyone. God I feel like shit tonight.

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