20 A-Holes In One

Bar Golf is basically a pub crawl, but this is AMERICA, buddy. We had to turn it into some sort of competition. We aimed for nine holes (bars) but due to time and safety issues, we only went to six. Luckily, Warren, Mike, and I live about 2 blocks away from a nice little hub of bars, so we only had to drive to Growlers and back.

Mike rode in my car, and as we were cruising Lindbergh, he mooned Tony. My life is just like Porky’s, you guys.

The rules were established during a pre-game dinner at the first hole (Imo’s). Each drink is a point. If I slapped Tony or Jimmy, we would both lose a point. If you hit on an Uggo, that’s a sand trap. If Mike or Jimmy scored a phone number, they would automatically win the game.

By the time we hit Duffy’s, there were almost 20 people in our group. I really love the bars in Kirkwood because we always meet up with old friends. This time around, we saw Dave! Yay! In high school, Dave was “the guy on the couch.” Then practically overnight, he morphed into Ben Affleck from “Armageddon”. This has always kind of freaked me out. When he left, he told me that I “look good. I mean it. Really good.” This makes me giggle until next week.

Jimmy got a point for giving the hostess his phone number, and Val got a point for hooking it up. Mike glared at Jimmy and Val for like an hour. I slapped Tony for kissing me: minus one point each. Jimmy invented a new pick-up line and used it on me like four times: “You’re just as beautiful as when I was sober.” I told Ty (the ref) that I really like his fiancée, so she gets my seal of approval. Secret extra point for me.

Ty won first place in Bar Golf. Congratulations, Ty – here’s a nice hangover for you. Second place goes to Val’s boobs.

However, I’d say the real winner of Bar Golf was Mike, because for some reason the girls thought it’d be fun to steal his phone and replace his wallpaper with cleavage shots (see: second place winner). I think Mike will be spending a little more time on his phone, and a little less time playing World of Warcraft.

The next day was really fun… I count that as the official Fourth of July party, even though it was Sunday. Tony’s parents threw a huge barbeque, full of family and friends. Tony’s aunts came and it was great to see them. I finally got to party with his cousins, who are all really cool. We saw Drew for the first time in forever and met his boyfriend, who I am secretly in love with.

I had my first beer brat of the summer (yumyum), and we played wiffleball for the first time in forever. Wiffleball used to be a weekly thing with our group, so whenever we play, it just feels good… like a reunion or something. Warm fuzzies. I was too hung-over to run, so I was the catcher for the whole game. The boys taught Kim and Andrea’s daughter how to play, which was adorable.

Drew’s boyfriend went through Mike’s phone and gave our breasts personalities. Sarah’s cleavage is “fun and flirty”. Mine is “classic Hollywood glamour”. Val’s is “drunk and just… just not right.”

We were all pooped from last night… there was a lot of talk about how old we are getting. Nevertheless, there was still time to go back to Warren’s apartment and party with the cousins. Mike picked up a chick and took her for a motorcycle ride. Mike wins the barbeque. Congratulations, Mike.


I guess I’ll end this with one of my favorite pictures in the world… this was from Ra’s Fourth of July party a few years back. She used to live in Kirkwood Park, so her yard was the perfect spot to watch the fireworks. During the grand finale, the frat boys felt compelled to make a pile-up. I don’t know how it started, but out of nowhere, everyone started jumping and yelling and laughing.

Then it happened – that magic moment during fireworks when time practically stops. The fireworks were so loud but it still seemed quiet, and even though the colors were flashing so fast, the world seemed still. We all sat there for a second to catch out breath and watch the sky, and to enjoy this big weird group hug that we had just created. Some drunk at the bottom whispered, “I love you guys,” and we all giggled. I’ll never forget that, ever.

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