Mixed Up Without My MixTapes

The only thing I miss about having a boyfriend right now is having somebody to give all my attention to. Somebody I can make presents for, or do nice favors, or just something little to let them know I care. That was always my favorite part about relationships… being able to make somebody smile. It makes me happy when I get to make him happy.

I have a lot of friends, but you can’t really spoil a plutonic friend the way that you indulge someone you’re with. And I have a lot more friends than I used to. It seems like the more I make, the less attention I can give the ones I have. I’m staring at my calendar right now, and this month is packed full of birthdays and showers and all that stuff, and I doubt I’ll have the time or the money to do anything special for all of them. Hell, I don’t know if I have enough minutes on my phone to give each of them a call.

Is this why some people ditch all of their friends the second they get a boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you just run out of energy or something? Maybe I just need less friends.

But I love all of my friends… they’re all so great and sometimes I feel like I don’t do as much for them as they do for me. I feel like I’m being a bad friend. And I know that they don’t notice, and most of them won’t send me a birthday card or whatever either.

But still… I have a lot of love to give, and right now it feels like I’m spreading myself too thin. I miss having somewhere to direct the majority of it.

I miss those awesome ideas that I used to get sometimes when I’d think of the perfect gift to give him or something that would make his day. I miss knowing exactly what would make him smile or laugh, and I miss cheering him up when he was bummed. I miss the grand gestures and the sweet nothings and everything in between.

I’m good at that kind of stuff. It makes me feel good. But sometimes I feel like I’m selfish because I’m not doing that anymore.

I don’t know. That’s my big revelation for the day. God, it’s been a long week. At least it’s snowcone day at work.

I haven’t thought of any weird things to google today, so here’s one I looked up a long time ago: the dot above an “i” is called a Tiddle. And now you know.

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