Under the Bridge

J: Man, some tattoos are just a bad idea.

Steph: I know. Did I ever tell you about Milo’s tattoos?

J: The “Churning Butter” guy?

Steph: Hee, yeah. We were outside smoking one night and he was held out his forearms, and he said, “You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Tattoo a huuuuge question mark on one arm and an exclamation point on the other.”

J: Heh. WHY?

Steph: Karl told me it had to do with some scary psychedelic philosopher guy… he’s explained this to me like five times and I still don’t get it. But anyway, Milo was a lawyer, and he said he wanted to be the “cool lawyer” who rolls up his sleeves, flashes his huge tats, and then breaks down your situation. Or something.

J: I would love it if my lawyer had huge sleeves of tattoos.

Steph: I know. But…

J: Yeah. It’s kind of cool, but it’s kind of like, “Okay…”

Steph: Right. So he tells me about the tattoos, and he was like, “I think it would be sooo awesome. What do you think?” And I said, “Yeah, I guess that’d be cool…” and then I changed the subject. And a few weeks later, he showed up and was all, “Guess what?”

J: Ooooh no.

Steph: Oh, yes. He had a big-ass question mark and a big-ass exclamation point on his arms. And as an English major, I secretly liked it a lot. And everyone had a different opinion about it, but when he left the room a couple of people were like, “What the fuck?” and I felt really guilty.

J: Like it was your fault because you told him it would be cool?

Steph: Yes.

J: But you didn’t think it was cool, did you. You lied to him to be nice, and now he has weird tattoos and it’s all your fault.

Steph: Exactly! I mean, I’m sure he told other people about his idea. And I think there were other people outside when he told me this. But I felt responsible somehow.

J: See, you’re too nice.

Steph: Nah, I’ve been kind of a dick lately.

J: No, no. You think you are, but you’re not. Trust me. You are way too nice. And it’s becoming a problem. Tattoos are just the beginning. We need to work on your niceness.

Steph: How?

J: Hey Stephie, I think I want to get a cool tattoo…

Steph: …

J: Say, “Of what?”

Steph: *sigh* Of what?

J: There you go! Okay, I want to get a tattoo of… of a… of a huge asterisk.

Steph: That would be AWESOME!

J: Jesus.

Steph: No really! I love asterisks! I love the way they look and their purpose in life and everything! I use them all the time! I would totally get that tattoo!

J: Okay, now we’re going to switch this up: I’m going to be you and tell you what you should have just said to me. Except I’m really me and I’m being completely serious when I say this to you. Don’t get that tattoo.

Steph: Why?

J: Because I was trying to think of a really bad tattoo, but we were just talking about punctuation so I’m stuck on that.

Steph: You can’t think of worse tattoos?

J: No, I guess I could. But an asterisk would still be lame. Oh, and you know why? People will think it’s a Red Hot Chili Peppers tattoo.

Steph: I could tell them what it is. It could be worse. I like the Chili Peppers.

J: Me too, but do you LOVE the Chili Peppers? Enough for people to even think that you have a Chili Peppers Tattoo?

Steph: Not really.

J: Exactly. And what if someone in the band goes crazy or something? What about all those poor people with Michael Jackson tattoos?

Steph: Haha. But do you know about the Chili Peppers logo?

J: It’s like an asterisk right?

Steph: That’s what it looks like. But you know what it really is?

J: What?

Steph: Guess.

J: Is it like a Native American symbol or something?

Steph: No.

J: A tiny little bomb? A baby firework?

Steph: No.

J: A star for people who can’t draw stars? That’s what it is, right? That’s how I draw stars. What is it?

Steph: …


Steph: Kurt Vonnegut’s asshole.


J: What?

Steph: It’s Kurt Vonnegut’s asshole.


Steph: You know how he does all those drawrings?

J: Yeah.

Steph: Well, he drew an asshole once. And now he draws it under his name sometimes, like when he signs autographs.

J: So it’s kind of a self portrait of his asshole.

Steph: Right. And the Chili Peppers saw it and based their logo off of that.

J: I don’t believe you.

Steph: I’ll send you the link to where I read that. And hey, do you have Breakfast of Champions?

J: Of course.

Steph: Okay. Do you have the paperback one? One of those newer ones with the big V?

J: Yes.

Steph: Okay. Turn to page 72.

J: All right. Hold on.


J: *gasp*

Steph: See?

J: Whoa.

Steph: I know.


Steph: I KNOW.

J: Stephie.

Steph: J.

J: I love you.

Steph: Hee. And how much do you love the Chili Peppers?

J: A lot more than I thought I did. But you still can’t get the asterisk ass tattoo. I mean it.

When a band wants to become synonymous with a picture of your asshole, I think it’s safe to say that you’re the greatest writer of all time.

You guys really need to read Breakfast of Champions. There’s a drawing on almost every page. There are also words. Lots of good ones arranged in a fantastic order.

And seriously, how cute would a Times New Roman asterisk be on my big toe?

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Filed under Conversations, Pop Goes The Culture

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