Yo, I GOSTA Have Sex Tonight!

Okay, I probably won’t develop the pictures for a while, so I should write about Ty and Sara’s wedding now. It’s a Memory Mishmash, so bear with me.

I rode up there with Timmy, so it was a good road trip. By the time we got to Lee’s Summit, everyone had gathered together at a bar. We drank a lot (surprise, surprise). There was a live band (with a jazz flute!), so Ty dragged me out on the dance floor. I blinded everyone with my whiteness. He made me promise to dance with him at the wedding, which was sweet. I saw a lot of old friends and made a few new ones, too.

Also: I’ve been hearing crazy stories about two guys named Crossland and Bluto for years… that night I discovered that Crossland and Bluto are the same person. He seems nice, although I’m still combining all of those stories into one file in my head.

The thing that I love about the Frat Boys and that whole group of friends is that we’ve know each other for so long… we really are one big extended family. Lots of parents and siblings came up for the wedding, and they drank and gossiped and carpooled right along with us. Tony’s sister sang during the ceremony, and she was unbelievable as usual.

Adam and Melissa brought their baby, Ian, and this was the first time I got to hold him. He’s really beautiful. He has Melissa’s eyes and Adam’s mouth (“Woooooo!”). All the boys sat around Ian and debated whether he was going to play football or baseball. Adam sang the ESPN theme song like a lullaby. I can’t wait til he’s old enough to play wiffleball with us.

Ty’s dad took us all out for a crab lunch on the day of the wedding: Ty, Tony, Peter, Warren, Adam, Melissa, Ian, Tim and me. It really felt like old times and I was glad we got a chance to hang out together. But why does every reunion involve Adam and Ty wearing a bib?

As far as the boys and their tuxes go, I think I covered that feeling when I wrote about Adam’s wedding. It never ceases to amaze me.

I sat with the rest of their frat during the ceremony, which was fun. We made bets on who would cry first. Most of us bet on Sara or Tony. Imagine our shock when it turned out to be Ty. As Warren and Peter walked down the aisle with Ty’s sisters, his face crumpled up in a way I’ve never seen before… and then everybody in the room started bawling, including me. Thanks Ty.

My favorite moments at a wedding are the unexpected ones, like when somebody flubs a line or a baby squeals or something*. Sara was so nervous that she grabbed Ty’s right hand instead of his left, and Ty whispered “The other left”. Then she looked at us and shrugged adorably and we all laughed. At the end of the ceremony, Ty kissed her for so long that she had to grab his cheeks and push him away, like, “Oh, Ty.” Then we all laughed again.

The reception was held at a Top Secret location; we lost half of our caravan getting there. Even though rain was predicted and we could hear thunder in the distance, the sky was clear above us and the temperature was perfect. Most people ended up hanging out outside, which was perfect because the party was packed.

We all held our breath when Tony gave the Best Man speech, but he did a great job. I have no idea who caught the bouquet, but I should have considering I was taller than half of the girls (one of the benefits of a Johnson wedding). Ty’s dance with his mother was adorable – people could not stop talking about how amazing Cathy looked.

And I kept my promise to Ty… when they announced that it was time for the dollar dance, I was first in line. Our conversation consisted mostly of “You’re MARRIED!” “I KNOW!” or “I just got MARRIED!” “I KNOW!”

All in all, it was a beautiful ceremony and a fun reception. I really could not be happier for Sara and Ty. They’re supposedly moving back to STL next year and they’d better; we miss them a lot.

So people always assume that Tony and I are dating, and the wedding was no exception. I stayed with Tony the first night, but he had to check out early the next day so I switched rooms. Somehow, a rumor started that we broke up. Hee. I got hit on a few times as a result, but that was nothing compared to what happened to Tony.

I can’t really get into Operation Rescue Tony, but it was pretty funny. After Ty and Sara left the party, that’s how we occupied ourselves. We were so worried for Tony’s safety that even Ty’s mom tried to help us rescue him.

Note to Adam: never yell “SHE’S PSYCHO AND SHE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” during a secret rescue operation.

I passed out in Timmy’s room between a snoring Peter and a drunken Bobbo. You can’t beat that.

*My favorite part of Jen and Ron’s wedding was when they were supposed to repeat something to the priest and then turn and face each other… Ron just turned to Jen immediately, like he was so excited that he couldn’t wait to look at her.

The Rundown

Some highlights from the past week:

1. My mom and I finally saw the Chihuly Exhibit at the Botanical Gardens. I plan on going back every week until it’s over. I’ll post pictures once I get them developed (and when was the last time you heard anyone say that??).

2. My brother is officially home, as opposed to in the middle of the former Soviet Union.

3. Josh and I took in a night of stand-up comedy, Danger League improv, booze and Bosco Sticks. One comedian referred to her vagina as a “people person”. This automatically becomes my new favorite joke, even though mine is better described as “standoffish”.

4. Tony made Billy Squire’s “The Stroke” his Myspace song, so now I have to go to his page at least twice a day.

5. Niki and I cancelled our cable, and consequentially I had no TV for 4 days. I wandered around aimlessly and kept sitting on the couch, the way most people keep looking into their empty fridge when they’re hungry. I’m a former latchkey kid; I need my background noise.

6. My Myspace page received it’s 10,000th hit. Does this make me cool or geeky?

7. I finally finished The Complete Works of Shakespeare. NOTE: I did not reread everything like I originally vowed to do… I finished all of the plays I hadn’t read, and reread all of the sonnets. Then I tried to reread “Coriolanus” and it made me want to kill myself. I decided to reread all of my Vonneguts instead, and I’ve read one already. Plan B wins.

8. I accidentally broke the news about the Crocodile Hunter to my brother and the news about Arthur Lee to TSGoC. I’m just the bluebird of fucking happiness this week, aren’t I?

9. I bought Chuck Klosterman’s new book and I’m enjoying it immensely (pretend I wrote this tomorrow, because I haven’t started it yet. But it looks really good on my nightstand, so I’m not completely lying).

10. Two cute boys came over to fix our Internet connection, and the blocker on the cable “mysteriously” disappeared. I don’t remember flirting with them, but I must have done something right because they just smiled and winked when I asked them about it.

11. Steve and I had the following exchange over the phone as he was standing at Ground Zero on 9/11:

Steve: There are so many people here.

Me: I’ll bet.

Steve: (whispering) There’s a guy standing next to me with a big sign that says “Liar”.

Me: He must have seen “Loose Change”.

Steve: Ha. Probably.

Me: I saw that and it really freaked me out.

Steve: Yeah, it’s weird how quickly things like that can convince you of something.

Me: I wanted to watch a counter-documentary right away, so I wouldn’t turn into one of those conspiracy people.

Steve: Cuz then you’d be THAT guy…

Me: …standing at Ground Zero…

Steve: …with a big sign that says “Liar”.

Me: I felt like a big dirty traitor to the country.

Steve: You are a traitor.

Me: I should just shack up with that guy. We could live in a tree in Canada.

Steve: He’s wearing one of those cool airbrushed t-shirts, like you’d get at the mall.

Me: Hee. Really?

Steve: Yeah. Hold on, I’ll take a picture of him for you.

12. I found a typo in one of the best-selling books of all time, “Helter Skelter”. This makes me feel like a good proofreader.

13. I ran/walked 25 miles. I have lost 5 pounds and gained 2.5 zits. I’m not quite sure what the Zit/Fat Hotness Ratio is yet. If I lose 20 pounds and gain 10 zits, does that make me hotter or uglier?

14. Mike and I gave each other two rainchecks each. That’s four rainchecks in one week. Most people would be insulted, but we’ve decided to go for a world record (much like how many RE:s we can fit into a subject line).

15. I borrowed a lighter from a bartender named Worm.

16. I tried to get Ron to name his Halloween party “Shit Your Pants”.

17. TSGoC told me about an annual party at a gay bar in Chicago called “Swalloween”.

18. I have only eaten sugar twice this week, and both times involved Fun Dip.

19. Pandy tripped and fell on his face, and then he called me from Kansas City to tell me about it as he was still lying on his face. This is why I love Pandy.

20. Mike just took back his raincheck, so I guess we are not breaking a world record. This means I get to PLAY WITH PUPPIES!!! EEEE!!!

21. It is cold outside, so I am wearing a hoodie. Hello hoodies! Oh, how I’ve missed you!

Bad Poetry

So it’s the five year “anniversary”. Does the word “anniversary” creep you guys out as much as it’s creeping me out? It doesn’t seem right.

I’m sorry that I don’t have a “9-11 Montage” for you like everyone else. I wasn’t around when it happened; I was in Europe with no TV and I missed all of the panic and hysteria. Whenever I talk about it with people who were here, something happens to them… their faces and eyes change slightly, into an expression that I don’t really understand. It doesn’t seem right to talk about how much it “affected me”.

I mean, it did affect me, but not to the same degree as anyone in the States, or anyone from that area, and especially not anyone who was actually there or knows someone who was. It was like watching footage of the Tsunami or Katrina or the earthquake in Afghanistan… other moments that we should “never forget” even though it seems like we already have. But I’ll say this… I could have never gotten though that time without the Jersey Boys, Jen and Kevin.

I’ve only written one thing about 9-11. I was going to post it today, but when I started typing it up I realized the following things:

1. I need to change the ending. It’s only fair.

2. I finally put my finger on why I fell in love with Brian… he always had a story to tell me. Those stories were always funny when I was sad, comforting when I was scared, etc. It’s the same reason I fell for TSGoC, too. It’s nice to finally realize that… it gives me something to look for the next time around.

3. I am rooting hardcore for World Peace. Mostly for the obvious reasons, but also because terrorism reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.

So here is the only thing I wrote about 9-11. It’s not good – but nothing about that day was, so I feel okay about sharing my crap poetry with you:

You were pointing out the scar on your knuckle
From the time you got a wrench stuck on your finger
When it suddenly hit me…
It was supposedly the beginning of “The End”
And yet, there we were,
Sitting against ivy-covered bricks on a London rooftop
On the exact spot where Nazis dropped bombs in World War II,
Or at least that’s what the plaque read in the cafeteria.
You put your jacket over my shoulders because
It was September and it was getting cold.
We didn’t talk at all about the assigned topic;
We talked about being so far from home,
And we laughed about braces and baby fat,
And we reminisced about love,
And we watched the clouds move so fast
That they seemed to fall below the edge of the roof.
For once, I stopped wondering if everything had changed forever.
I only wondered how on earth you got a wrench stuck on your finger
And how they got it off,
And when the moon would pop out from behind the clouds
Or if we’d see it at all that night.
For a moment I stopped trying to picture tomorrow
And everyone who would be there.
I could only think about how scared an eight year old would be
With a bone saw from the morgue that close to his finger,
And I thought about how your eyes change color every day
And how maybe I could love you.
We tend to spin time into what we want to see
The way a cowboy twirls a gun
Around his finger.
But the moments that stick and inevitably scar
Are unforeseen and never fail
To captivate me.

Hey, Hermano …

This just in: my brother finally left Afghanistan!!!

He’s currently in a bar just outside of Turkmenistan enjoying his first beer in 5 months.

This is especially good to hear because the Taliban blew up his front yard the night before he left his camp (he loves to tell me these stories. With rocket sound effects, no less. Thank god I don’t have to hear any more of them).

He just called me and we talked for a long time, and he asked for advice on what he should do next. That made me feel closer to him than I’ve felt in a long time, which is ironic because he’s sitting on the exact opposite side of the planet.

I just did a Happy Dance in my office.

He should be home by Friday, and now I get to call my whole family and tell them. I am really really happy right now.

Like It’s 1999

In exactly 12 days, my prom date is getting married. So this is probably the last time I can do this without being scandalous:

Don’t ever tell Ra or Pammy that I just did that.

Pammy, as she lamented to me 100 times, is hiding a football under her dress or something. Ra is trying very hard to not blink. Ty’s mouth is open, so he’s probably in the middle of making some smart-ass comment to the photographer. Matt looks uncomfortable and like he is above all this nonsense, which he is. I am getting tickled. And check out sweet precious Peter!

I really love this picture… it has two of my best girlfriends in the entire world and my two very first boyfriends. And my best friend’s first boyfriend. As cheesy as it sounds, senior year was one of the best years of my life. There are certain times in life that you’ll always recall fondly and wish you could go back to. This is one of those times for me, and Ty was a big part of that.

Ty is one of my closest and favorite friends. There’s never been a time where we haven’t been cool, even when we took turns breaking up with each other. He’s one of the few friends that I’m positive will be in my life forever.

I’m really happy for him and Sara, and I can’t wait for the wedding. Yay, Ty!

And seriously, don’t ever tell Ra and Pammy about this. Ever.