“Tony and Sneffy-head, Sitting in a Tree.” “SHUT. UP!”
On the day of Liz’s wedding, Tony and I woke up to “American Pie 3: American Wedding” on the TV. The perfect movie to watch over McDonald’s breakfast, considering our best friend from high school was getting married.
I met up with Randi and Liz in the afternoon to get my hair did. My hair has never been “done” before. I am a hair virgin. Surprisingly, it turned out pretty good. I had lots of curly thingies in the back or something. I don’t know. I’m new to this. Liz, obviously, looked beautiful.
Tony, Randi, and I took her out to lunch. We made Liz wear her wedding tiara in Applebee’s. Everybody stared, and we kept pointing at Liz and announcing, “She’s getting maaaaaarried.” Liz and I shared lunch and had the usual. This is why we are BFFs – she’s the only friend I have who says, “Let’s share the usual,” and the usual includes like twelve specific instructions to the waiter (no tomatoes, sour cream on the side) and we agree on everything.
Liz was unbelievably calm. In fact, she seemed more preoccupied on hooking me up with Tony. She spent the whole time making goo goo eyes at us, or nudging Randi and motioning to our side of the table. I thought I would spend her wedding day calming her down, giving her advice, etc. Instead I kept staring at her and saying, “Shut up. Stop it. STOP.”
And All That Jazz
We went back to her house to get ready. Somehow we had finally gotten the dresses, and at this point it didn’t matter if they fit or not. We had to make it work.
Oh my god, you guys.
OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS.
I looked like a stripper. Or rather, I felt like a stripper, since everyone else said I looked great. But my boobs were on blast in that contraption. I had cleavage like I’ve never had cleavage before, and Lord knows I can make some.
Also? I couldn’t really breathe. Neither could some of the other girls, which made me feel a little better. At least if I fainted, I wouldn’t be the only one. You could always tell when someone was putting on their dress, because they would scream and gasp for air in the bathroom.
Liz is worth it, though. And by the time the ceremony started, we were a million times more comfortable, anyway.
I started getting ready early, so I spent a lot of time wandering around in full make-up, jewelry, pretty hair, the top half of my dress, and sweatpants. I looked like a jazzercise instructor, and I tap-danced around the living room to alleviate some stress.
After the photographer and everyone else arrived, it was time to get Liz ready. Wedding dresses may be gorgeous, but they are incredibly complicated. It took us a while to decipher all of the hooks and straps and gears and whatever the hell else was in there. But when we finally figured it out, she looked absolutely beautiful and we all cried a little bit.
After she attached the train to her dress, my official duties as Liz’s fluffer began. This is Liz’s favorite joke – every time she turned around or had to walk somewhere, she would shriek, “FLUFFER!” and laugh hysterically. I thought it was funny too, until I realized I’d have to bend over in front of everyone – repeatedly – in my Boob Dress.
After we posed for pictures – some more decent than others, depending on if I was “fluffing” or not – it was time to go! Agh! We drove to the location, peeked around the corner to watch everyone sit down, and then we hid behind the side door to make our entrance.
Here Comes The Bride…
Right before we walked out, the wedding planner handed us our bouquets. Kelly and I got blue ones, Laura and Randi got purple. The bouquets weren’t cascading, so we had to point them forward at an angle. The wedding planner told us to hold them at our belly buttons. Then we all giggled and made humping motions like we were in eighth grade.
Right after Randi walked around the corner, I was left alone with Liz and Taj. I turned around and whispered, “You’re getting maaaarried.” Liz smiled and took a deep breath. Taj gave me a thumbs up.
Even though we were walking IN HEELS on SAND, I managed to make it down the aisle without falling. I even wiggled my hips a bit while I was at it. Then I took my place and turned around to watch Taj walk Liz down the aisle. Then my vision got all fuzzy and blurry, for obvious reasons.
I told Liz this about a thousand times, but seriously? God bless them for not being religious. Their ceremony was about 10 minutes long, which was the perfect amount of time to stand outside wearing formal wear in 90 degree heat. It was worth it, though… Liz found the most beautiful grove of willow trees, and it was a perfectly framed setting for a wedding.
I had to give her Andy’s ring, and that’s one thing I remember vividly… I was wearing it on my thumb but it was still too big, so all afternoon I was holding it in place and chanting “Don’t drop it. Don’t drop it.” in my head. The rest of the time, I had to make sure her train was fluffy and pretty.
And Here Comes The Groom!
Right before we walked out, Liz had said, “He’s not going to want to kiss me with all of this lipstick on.” Boy, was she wrong. She went in for a teeny peck, and he grabbed her, dipped her, and gave her the smooch of a lifetime. It was straight out of Casablanca. Everybody hooted and whistled. I found out later that he slipped her the tongue, but we couldn’t tell.
There’s this great picture of Liz right after he kissed her – she has her hand on her head to make sure her veil didn’t fall off, and her face is frozen in surprised laughter. I’ll try to find it whenever they post the pictures.
Partners in Crime
The Best Man arrived to Florida on the day of the ceremony, so I had never met him. The first time I saw him was during the ceremony. As Liz and Andy left the alter, he reached out his arm for me to take it. Then we walked down the aisle and had this conversation, whispering:
Best Man: You look absolutely stunning.
Maid of Honor: Thank you. You guys looked great, too.
Best Man: Thanks.
Maid of Honor: I’m Stephanie, by the way.
Best Man: I’m [Jeff? Jason? All four groomsmen had “J” names. I don’t remember.]
Maid of Honor: Nice to meet you.
Best Man: Nice to meet you, too.
(we shake elbows)
Maid of Honor: Oh, gosh.
Best Man: Yeah, it’s hot out here, huh? I am dying in this tux.
Maid of Honor: I’ll bet. Hey… wanna walk really, really super fast?
Best Man: That is a fantastic idea.
(we sprint to the back door)
We had to pose for pictures after the ceremony, and I swear to god, every time Liz changed poses, she would scream “FLUFFER!” and laugh her ass off. Then I had to BEND OVER in front of the GROOMSMEN like eight hundred times as they all giggled, “Huh huh. Fluffer. Huh.”
I think I will start plotting my revenge now. Just you wait ‘til MY wedding, Mrs. D’elia.
As we were walking back inside, Taj had another touching and not-at-all-inappropriate conversation with his mother:
Taj: Huh huh, Fluffer. Heh. Hey mom, you know what a fluffer is?
Mrs. J: Yes.
Taj: Agh! Oh my god!
After we cooled off for a bit, we lined up for the introductions. I congratulated Andy and he gave me a big hug. And then…
Andy: So when are you and Tony gonna… YOU know…
Me: LIZ! STOP!
Liz: FLUFFER! NO!