Monthly Archives: October 2006

Soapbox Cowboy

I will write a better entry about this later, but yesterday was the Red Bull Soapbox Derby. It was the very first one held in the US, and it was a great time.

My friends made a little semi-truck and went as Team Semi-Coherent. They also made a video.

Video by Joe.
Mask by Katie.
Song by Peter.
Dancing by Ron.

My friends never cease to amaze me. Watch:

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My Best Friend’s Wedding – Part 3

*clinkclinkclink*

I think one of my favorite moments was when they introduced everyone at the reception. It was such a sense of relief and accomplishment, and aside from my speech, the only thing left to do was celebrate. Once again, the Best Man and I were all whispery as we lined up: “Should we go with crazy or classy?” “Let’s go crazy.”

After they introduced Liz and Andy, they had their first dance… the wedding planner passed around bubbles for everyone to blow at them, so it really looked like magic. Then it was speech time.

Okay, so I did cry a little bit during my speech. I started out with a bunch of stuff about how great of a friend she is and how much I love her, and I choked up. Then I heard Andy’s family from Jersey yell, “Theyah she goes! She’s croiyin!” and I paused.

Here’s how you stop crying and make a killer speech, no matter where you are: bring props.

When Liz and I were in school, we had to do a lot of “wedding-themed” projects. Every single time we had to do this, she would find a picture of a bride and groom… then she would paste her picture onto the bride’s face, and Leonardo Dicaprio’s picture on the groom.

I mentioned this during my speech, and then I held up a magazine and said, “And I just happen to have a picture of Leonardo Dicaprio… and a picture of Andy’s face.”

So in order to make their marriage truly official, I forced Liz to paste a picture of Andy on top of Leonardo Dicaprio’s face in front of everybody. There were other jokes in my speech, but that was the highlight.

The photographers set up a slideshow of pictures to play on a laptop during the reception. They found a picture of Andy playfully choking Taj… and photoshoped it to look like Andy was choking Leonardo Dicaprio. Heeeee hee hee.

And I don’t mean to brag, but afterwards fifteen people asked if I’m a writer, eight people asked if I’m a professional speaker, and two caterers remarked, “I wish you could give that speech at ALL of our weddings.”

A Party For Mon Pomplemousse

The rest of the wedding was kind of a blur. You can tell I’m drinking tequila when I have to recap the night in bullet points:

  • The rest of the bridesmaids force me to dance to “Electric Slide” and “Ain’t No Other Man.”
  • Andy does The Robot.
  • Joe breakdances, as promised.
  • The DJ plays “Push It” during the Garter thing.
  • I almost lose an eye during the bouquet toss.
  • Liz backs up before Andy smashes cake in her face. She gets him pretty good.
  • The Best Man grabs my ass.
  • BootyDance Lady grabs Tony’s ass.
  • Taj grabs my hand, and tries to make me grab Tony’s ass.
  • Liz’s wedding dress tries to murder her, and I learn how to loosen a corset in five seconds or less.
  • Kelly cures Liz’s tummy ache with pineapple juice, OJ, and Southern Comfort.
  • Laura takes over the bar four times to fix Buttery Nipples for the Bridal Party.
  • I start a trend by ordering a margarita.
  • Taj convinces Liz to turn on the TV just as Pujols hits a home run and we score three runs. Everybody kisses the bride.
  • “I have to say, there is a considerable amount of cleavage in this bridal party.” – Best Man.
  • Laura serenades everyone in the bar with “London Bridge”.
  • During diner, Taj, Kelly and I share our favorite stories about Mr. J. Tom was an amazing dad and one hell of a guy, and we made sure he was there in spirit.
  • Because the bar is covered in Budweiser logos and a Cards game was on the TV, we rename the bar “St. Louis”.
  • Liz and I attempt to sneak cigarettes around her mom, and we giggle about acting like we’re sixteen.
  • I meet Randi’s mom, who looks younger than me even though Randi is older than me. I say, ”Shut up. You are not,” for about a half hour.
  • Incredible amounts of booty dancing. It is Florida, after all.
  • I tell Liz that Taj is NOT watching the game, just checking the score. He high fives me and yells, “Fuck yeah, Weir!” every ten minutes for the rest of the night.
  • Taj and Liz dance to “Run Around Sue” and it was the absolute cutest.
  • Tony and Liz dance to… something… and he throws her about five feet in the air.
  • Three adult cousins have to get carried out to the car. By their mothers.
  • CARDS WIN GAME ONE!!! WOOOOOOO!!!
  • Andy and Liz dance to “In Your Eyes” and I almost cry for about the eighth time.
  • Andy gives me a bear hug as I’m leaving, and promises me that he’ll take care of Liz forever and keep her safe. Then I cry for real.

Never can say Goodbye Girl

We cap off the night at Liz’s mom’s house. Tony, Taj, Randi and I are pretty drunk. We carry heavy things and eat leftovers. Taj passes out on the floor, Tony cheats on his diet, and Randi and I do a happy dance after we change out of our dresses.

Liz and Andy show up out of nowhere, and Liz and I shriek and hug when we see each other. We are all tanked. Mrs. J. tells Andy that she needs his tux back so she can return it. Andy strips in the parking lot.

You know, I’ve always wondered how well Andy would fit in with the Frat Boys. But as he stood outside lighting a cigarette in boxer briefs, an unbuttoned shirt, and black socks, I decided that he would get along with them perfectly. Then to everyone’s delight, Mrs. J pinches Andy’s butt as she walks inside.

Liz and I hugged goodbye for at least an hour. We end up thanking each other for everything that’s happened in the past sixteen years. We cry. I tell her that when I get married, she’ll be my Maid of Honor, too. We cry some more.

She follows me and Tony to the car, sniffling, and hugs us again.

I put my stuff in the car, start it up, and then run back to hug her some more. We cry.

I turn on the headlights and see her running back to us, holding her dress up so she won’t fall. She dives over Tony in the front seat and we hug, crying and laughing.

Tony finally convinces Liz to go inside and for me to drive away.

I pull out of their complex still sniffling, and Tony lights a cigarette. “Man, girls are so weird.”

Liz, I love you I love you I love you, and thank you so much for everything. Call me when you get back!!!!!!

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My Best Friend’s Wedding – Part 2

“Tony and Sneffy-head, Sitting in a Tree.” “SHUT. UP!”

On the day of Liz’s wedding, Tony and I woke up to “American Pie 3: American Wedding” on the TV. The perfect movie to watch over McDonald’s breakfast, considering our best friend from high school was getting married.

I met up with Randi and Liz in the afternoon to get my hair did. My hair has never been “done” before. I am a hair virgin. Surprisingly, it turned out pretty good. I had lots of curly thingies in the back or something. I don’t know. I’m new to this. Liz, obviously, looked beautiful.

Tony, Randi, and I took her out to lunch. We made Liz wear her wedding tiara in Applebee’s. Everybody stared, and we kept pointing at Liz and announcing, “She’s getting maaaaaarried.” Liz and I shared lunch and had the usual. This is why we are BFFs – she’s the only friend I have who says, “Let’s share the usual,” and the usual includes like twelve specific instructions to the waiter (no tomatoes, sour cream on the side) and we agree on everything.

Liz was unbelievably calm. In fact, she seemed more preoccupied on hooking me up with Tony. She spent the whole time making goo goo eyes at us, or nudging Randi and motioning to our side of the table. I thought I would spend her wedding day calming her down, giving her advice, etc. Instead I kept staring at her and saying, “Shut up. Stop it. STOP.”

And All That Jazz

We went back to her house to get ready. Somehow we had finally gotten the dresses, and at this point it didn’t matter if they fit or not. We had to make it work.

Oh my god, you guys.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

I looked like a stripper. Or rather, I felt like a stripper, since everyone else said I looked great. But my boobs were on blast in that contraption. I had cleavage like I’ve never had cleavage before, and Lord knows I can make some.

Also? I couldn’t really breathe. Neither could some of the other girls, which made me feel a little better. At least if I fainted, I wouldn’t be the only one. You could always tell when someone was putting on their dress, because they would scream and gasp for air in the bathroom.

Liz is worth it, though. And by the time the ceremony started, we were a million times more comfortable, anyway.

I started getting ready early, so I spent a lot of time wandering around in full make-up, jewelry, pretty hair, the top half of my dress, and sweatpants. I looked like a jazzercise instructor, and I tap-danced around the living room to alleviate some stress.

After the photographer and everyone else arrived, it was time to get Liz ready. Wedding dresses may be gorgeous, but they are incredibly complicated. It took us a while to decipher all of the hooks and straps and gears and whatever the hell else was in there. But when we finally figured it out, she looked absolutely beautiful and we all cried a little bit.

After she attached the train to her dress, my official duties as Liz’s fluffer began. This is Liz’s favorite joke – every time she turned around or had to walk somewhere, she would shriek, “FLUFFER!” and laugh hysterically. I thought it was funny too, until I realized I’d have to bend over in front of everyone – repeatedly – in my Boob Dress.

After we posed for pictures – some more decent than others, depending on if I was “fluffing” or not – it was time to go! Agh! We drove to the location, peeked around the corner to watch everyone sit down, and then we hid behind the side door to make our entrance.

Here Comes The Bride…

Right before we walked out, the wedding planner handed us our bouquets. Kelly and I got blue ones, Laura and Randi got purple. The bouquets weren’t cascading, so we had to point them forward at an angle. The wedding planner told us to hold them at our belly buttons. Then we all giggled and made humping motions like we were in eighth grade.

Right after Randi walked around the corner, I was left alone with Liz and Taj. I turned around and whispered, “You’re getting maaaarried.” Liz smiled and took a deep breath. Taj gave me a thumbs up.

Even though we were walking IN HEELS on SAND, I managed to make it down the aisle without falling. I even wiggled my hips a bit while I was at it. Then I took my place and turned around to watch Taj walk Liz down the aisle. Then my vision got all fuzzy and blurry, for obvious reasons.

I told Liz this about a thousand times, but seriously? God bless them for not being religious. Their ceremony was about 10 minutes long, which was the perfect amount of time to stand outside wearing formal wear in 90 degree heat. It was worth it, though… Liz found the most beautiful grove of willow trees, and it was a perfectly framed setting for a wedding.

I had to give her Andy’s ring, and that’s one thing I remember vividly… I was wearing it on my thumb but it was still too big, so all afternoon I was holding it in place and chanting “Don’t drop it. Don’t drop it.” in my head. The rest of the time, I had to make sure her train was fluffy and pretty.

And Here Comes The Groom!

Right before we walked out, Liz had said, “He’s not going to want to kiss me with all of this lipstick on.” Boy, was she wrong. She went in for a teeny peck, and he grabbed her, dipped her, and gave her the smooch of a lifetime. It was straight out of Casablanca. Everybody hooted and whistled. I found out later that he slipped her the tongue, but we couldn’t tell.

There’s this great picture of Liz right after he kissed her – she has her hand on her head to make sure her veil didn’t fall off, and her face is frozen in surprised laughter. I’ll try to find it whenever they post the pictures.

Partners in Crime

The Best Man arrived to Florida on the day of the ceremony, so I had never met him. The first time I saw him was during the ceremony. As Liz and Andy left the alter, he reached out his arm for me to take it. Then we walked down the aisle and had this conversation, whispering:

Best Man: You look absolutely stunning.

Maid of Honor: Thank you. You guys looked great, too.

Best Man: Thanks.

Maid of Honor: I’m Stephanie, by the way.

Best Man: I’m [Jeff? Jason? All four groomsmen had “J” names. I don’t remember.]

Maid of Honor: Nice to meet you.

Best Man: Nice to meet you, too.

(we shake elbows)

Maid of Honor: Oh, gosh.

Best Man: Yeah, it’s hot out here, huh? I am dying in this tux.

Maid of Honor: I’ll bet. Hey… wanna walk really, really super fast?

Best Man: That is a fantastic idea.

(we sprint to the back door)

“Fluffer!!”

We had to pose for pictures after the ceremony, and I swear to god, every time Liz changed poses, she would scream “FLUFFER!” and laugh her ass off. Then I had to BEND OVER in front of the GROOMSMEN like eight hundred times as they all giggled, “Huh huh. Fluffer. Huh.”

I think I will start plotting my revenge now. Just you wait ‘til MY wedding, Mrs. D’elia.

As we were walking back inside, Taj had another touching and not-at-all-inappropriate conversation with his mother:

Taj: Huh huh, Fluffer. Heh. Hey mom, you know what a fluffer is?

Mrs. J: Yes.

Taj: Agh! Oh my god!

Everyone: Ew…

After we cooled off for a bit, we lined up for the introductions. I congratulated Andy and he gave me a big hug. And then…

Andy: So when are you and Tony gonna… YOU know…

Me: LIZ! STOP!

Liz: FLUFFER! NO!

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My Best Friend’s Wedding – Part 1

Getting There Is Half The Battle

I’ve traveled alone many times. I have no problem navigating around airports, and I can even manage to explore a new city alone as long as I have a map and a subway. However, I have never rented a car.

If you rode in a car with me from, oh, 1997 – 2002, then you know I can drive like a little old lady, ‘specially if it’s a new car and I have no idea where I am. The drive from Tampa to Sarasota is about an hour, and every website gave me different directions. So, I was really scared that I would crash or get lost or something…

…and then I got on the bridge at I-275. The ocean spread out as far as I could see. The sun was setting, creating pink and purple reflections on the water and shadows of the seagulls flying in the sky. I reached over and turned on the radio, and I heard the opening chords of “Let It Be”. And then everything felt perfect.

Tony found a great hotel for us to stay at. It was at a marina, so I got to dig my toes in the sand a little bit. Then I met up with Liz and Andy and his family. They are from Jersey, which means I automatically love them. I know people from their hometown, which means they automatically loved me. They were rooting for the Cards even though we were playing the Mets. Love all around. Liz and I shared strawberry daiquiris because we are BFFs and have the same brain. Love.

When I got back to the hotel, Kevin Federline was on Jay Leno. This could be a good sign or bad, depending on if you have my sense of humor. Either way, the Cards won and made it to the World Series. Holla!

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

The next morning we met up to get our dresses altered. Surprisingly, my dress was too big in the boobs. All the bridesmaids giggled as we ran around in super-long skirts and weird halter-thingies. I told everyone to not laugh at my strapless bra. Then I held it over my eyes like I was from “The Fly” and everyone laughed. The lady pinned us up and we were on our way.

This is how well-adjusted I was to my rental car by then: I gave myself a FRENCH MANICURE. WHILE DRIVING.

We went to the nail salon to get pedicures, which I’ve never done before. We turned on the massage chairs and shrieked because they were so strong. The lady used that scrubber thing on my feet and it tickled like hell.

I told Liz beforehand that when my feet get tickled, my first instinct is to kick for dear life. So she spent her whole pedicure watching me as I struggled and giggled and strained to not kick the nice lady holding my foot. “You’re face is turning red,” Liz said, “You look so funny! You’re making me laugh! Stop making me laugh.” Then she laughed and laughed, to the point where the ladies holding our feet laughed, too.

After the pedicures, I had to go pick up Tony. This is how well-adjusted I was to my rental car by then: I found a SHORTCUT TO THE HOTEL. BY MYSELF.

Girl Scouts Are Always Prepared

So then… wedding rehearsal. I see Taj for the first time in 5½ years and we hug. We get warned about fire ants in the sand, and the boys tease us for wearing open-toe shoes. Everybody sweats, as it is 90 degrees. We don’t really rehearse; the lady just points and talks. The girls get nervous. Luckily, I have been taking notes during my last SEVEN WEDDINGS, so I feel prepared. I whisper to one girl that everybody always fucks up and nobody ever notices. She looks relieved. The DJ whisperingly asks me if I have any requests. I tell him Beasties. Lots of Beasties.

As we walked back to the car, Tony asks Taj if his first dance will be to a Beastie Boys song. His fiancé Randi shakes her head, meaning this has actually been discussed on numerous occasions. Taj explains that he’ll start out with a slow song, but he wants the DJ to mix it just right, so that it kicks into the Beasties. Then he demonstrates: “La lalala. La lalala. (scratch) WICKYWICKYWICKY.” Then he hops around and beatboxes. Randi winces.*

Liz talks to the dress lady on the phone. The dresses are not ready. Liz places her hand on her hip, stamps her foot, purses her lips and furrows her brows. Everyone screams “Bridezilla!!!!” we run away, laughing. Liz will laugh about it too, about 24 hours later.

Betty Crocker in the Hizzaaaaaay

The rehersal dinner was a great time. There’s nothing too out of the ordinary to mention, except for the part when we started telling our favorite Liz stories. We mentioned the best one of all, which is the brownie story.

Liz had just finished explaining that she admitted this story to her mom about five years later. Then her mom appeared out of nowhere all, “Did I hear my name?” We talked to her for a minute, then this happened:

Taj: Hey mom, Liz made brownies.

Liz: TAJ!

Mrs. J: Oooh, really?

Liz: Taj…

Mrs. J: Where are they?

Taj: No, I mean… she made brownies. Heh. YOU know.

Liz: THOMAS ARTHUR JUNIOR!

Mrs. J: Oooh, BROWNIES. I get it. Haha.

(Mrs. J walks away)

Liz: I am going to kill you.

Taj: What? C’mon.

Liz: Dead. You are so dead.

We fed her champagnee for a couple of hours, until she finally admitted that, for real, that was hysterical.

Tony and I Glimpse the Future

After the dinner we walked back to Liz and Andy’s place. Liz ordered Tony to propose to me. Then she mentioned our wedding about twenty times, told us that we are in L-U-V, and made everyone else agree with her.

Laura forced her husband to refill her wine glass about once every half hour. Then she ordered him to refill Kelly’s glass as well. Laura is hilarious, so every time she snapped her fingers, we would laugh as Joe headed to the bar.

By the end of the night, she was lecturing him on how to use a ballpoint pen. “No no, honey. CLICK the top. This button, right here. THEN you write.”

Tony leaned over and whispered with mock hope, “We could be just like them.” I laughed so hard that I choked on my champagne.

We went back to the hotel and fell asleep watching Ghostbusters II in Spanish. ¿Quién llamará usted?

*Taj has been a Beastie Boys fanatic since the beginning, which means that Liz, Kelly, and I have been Beastie Boys fanatics since the beginning. In high school, Taj’s license plate on his car said “SABOTAJ”, which is still the coolest personalized plate I’ve ever seen.

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Grandma’s Boob Advice

“I know I said some vulgar things yesterday about men liking boobs, and I’m sorry.
But you know… hee hee… they do. They just can’t help it. Haha! Hahaha!
They just don’t know WHAT to do, you know?
They make those dumb ‘ol faces…HAHA! Hoooo!
Men are stupid like that, Stephie. They just are. Heeeee heehee.
That’s how ya get ‘em – with boobs. Haha. Oh, boobs.”

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Once More, With Feeling

Hello, hello. Life is good right now. Crazy, but good.

As of right now, my focus is on Liz’s wedding. A lot of the things I was worried about have been taken care of, and now my main job is to show up, make Liz smile, help her out with whatever she needs, and watch her get married. And I will probably cry a little bit, but that’s to be expected.

I finally found a strapless bra for the wedding. If you’ve been reading Shortcake for a while, then you know that my boobs are basically the bane of my existence. I’ve only tried to buy a strapless bra once before, for my junior prom. I went to Victoria’s Secret, told them my size, and they LAUGHED AT ME. I ran out of the store crying, and those bitches are lucky that their Pink line is so cute; otherwise I would have never gone back.

I went to a store with nicer people this time around, and while I found one that actually fits and is perfect, I did discover my actual bra size.

(This is where I have to pause to collect myself.)

They shrank last year, but this time they’re back with a vengeance and I am pissed off. I’m not going to tell you what it is… but I did tell a few friends, and here were some of their reactions:

Niki: (jaw drops) There’s no way.

J: Oh, my god.

Tony: No, you’re not.

Vee: Shut up.

Liz: (gasps)

Niki: There’s just… there’s no way.

J: OH! My god.

Vee: Shut. Up!

Tony: Nooooooohoho, you’re not.

Liz: (starts laughing) Oh, honey.

Tony: I thought they were shrinking?

Niki: Sometimes? Strapless come in different sizes? Maybe?

Vee: Are you SURE?

Liz: Can I have some of yours? (Laughs again)

J: Be my girlfriend?

The best reaction by far was from my Grandma:

“Well honey, here’s the good news: men like big boobs. OH! And big boobs? They never go out of style.”

Words to live by. God, I love that woman.

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Message In A Bottle

Here’s what my big brother heard when he checked his voicemail on Sunday morning:

Beep!

“Hey Patrick, it’s me. Guess who just got married? Cousin Tiffy! Doesn’t that make you feel old? Oh wait – you’re thirty. Hahaha you are thirty. Thirtythirthythirty hee hee. Anyways, it was a really pretty wedding. Call me back.”

Beep!

“Hey Pat. We’re all hanging out at Aunt Sandy’s while they take pictures, and she forgot to give us the keys. Everyone is drunk and trying to break in. Have you ever met Uncle Jim’s family? They are DRUNK. Anyway, I’m going to be here forEVER so call me.”

Beep!

“Okay, me again. I was wandering around the property and remember that green Oldsmobile we used to have? It’s just like, sitting here in the middle of the woods. What the fuck? That’s the first car I remember riding in. Was that the first car you ever rode in? God, who puts green interior in a car? It’s so green.”

Beep!

“Pat. Grandma is wearing shoes covered in sequins, and she just called them her “hooker shoes”. Pat. Oh my god.”

Beep!

“Pat. PAT. MOM JUST DID A SHOT. MOM. PICKED UP A SHOT GLASS. FULL OF BOOZE. AND DRANK IT. Where are you. Dude.”

Beep!

“Hiiiiii Pat, it’s Aunt Sandy. HELL YEAH I MADE YOUR MOMS TAKE A SHOT! Woooo! I am a bad influence.”

Beep!

“Pat, did you hear how drunk Sandy is? When you come to town we are getting drunk with Sandy. And possibly mom. Heh.”

Beep!

“Pat, I just…. I can’t even… holy shit, Pat.”

Beep!

“Pat, I’m at the reception. Tiff and Jason just walked in, and the DJ played ‘Another One Bites The Dust’! How crazy awesome is that?”

Beep!

“Cousin Brian says hi. Oh yeah, during the wedding he totally cried. Hahaha! Anyways, they are giving out little champagne bottles as party favors. Want some?”

Beep!

“Don’t worry, Grandma just grabbed a couple bottles for you. Or at least that’s what she says at least. She grabbed two more for herself. Her purse is clinking. It’s hilarious.”

Beep!

“Pat, Grandma just told Uncle Jim about her hooker shoes and he sprayed beer all over the table. I think mom got it on camera but I had to tell you anyways. I think we are leaving now. Call me when you get to town. Love you! Bye.”

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