Message In A Bottle

Here’s what my big brother heard when he checked his voicemail on Sunday morning:

Beep!

“Hey Patrick, it’s me. Guess who just got married? Cousin Tiffy! Doesn’t that make you feel old? Oh wait – you’re thirty. Hahaha you are thirty. Thirtythirthythirty hee hee. Anyways, it was a really pretty wedding. Call me back.”

Beep!

“Hey Pat. We’re all hanging out at Aunt Sandy’s while they take pictures, and she forgot to give us the keys. Everyone is drunk and trying to break in. Have you ever met Uncle Jim’s family? They are DRUNK. Anyway, I’m going to be here forEVER so call me.”

Beep!

“Okay, me again. I was wandering around the property and remember that green Oldsmobile we used to have? It’s just like, sitting here in the middle of the woods. What the fuck? That’s the first car I remember riding in. Was that the first car you ever rode in? God, who puts green interior in a car? It’s so green.”

Beep!

“Pat. Grandma is wearing shoes covered in sequins, and she just called them her “hooker shoes”. Pat. Oh my god.”

Beep!

“Pat. PAT. MOM JUST DID A SHOT. MOM. PICKED UP A SHOT GLASS. FULL OF BOOZE. AND DRANK IT. Where are you. Dude.”

Beep!

“Hiiiiii Pat, it’s Aunt Sandy. HELL YEAH I MADE YOUR MOMS TAKE A SHOT! Woooo! I am a bad influence.”

Beep!

“Pat, did you hear how drunk Sandy is? When you come to town we are getting drunk with Sandy. And possibly mom. Heh.”

Beep!

“Pat, I just…. I can’t even… holy shit, Pat.”

Beep!

“Pat, I’m at the reception. Tiff and Jason just walked in, and the DJ played ‘Another One Bites The Dust’! How crazy awesome is that?”

Beep!

“Cousin Brian says hi. Oh yeah, during the wedding he totally cried. Hahaha! Anyways, they are giving out little champagne bottles as party favors. Want some?”

Beep!

“Don’t worry, Grandma just grabbed a couple bottles for you. Or at least that’s what she says at least. She grabbed two more for herself. Her purse is clinking. It’s hilarious.”

Beep!

“Pat, Grandma just told Uncle Jim about her hooker shoes and he sprayed beer all over the table. I think mom got it on camera but I had to tell you anyways. I think we are leaving now. Call me when you get to town. Love you! Bye.”

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