I think one of my favorite moments was when they introduced everyone at the reception. It was such a sense of relief and accomplishment, and aside from my speech, the only thing left to do was celebrate. Once again, the Best Man and I were all whispery as we lined up: “Should we go with crazy or classy?” “Let’s go crazy.”
After they introduced Liz and Andy, they had their first dance… the wedding planner passed around bubbles for everyone to blow at them, so it really looked like magic. Then it was speech time.
Okay, so I did cry a little bit during my speech. I started out with a bunch of stuff about how great of a friend she is and how much I love her, and I choked up. Then I heard Andy’s family from Jersey yell, “Theyah she goes! She’s croiyin!” and I paused.
Here’s how you stop crying and make a killer speech, no matter where you are: bring props.
When Liz and I were in school, we had to do a lot of “wedding-themed” projects. Every single time we had to do this, she would find a picture of a bride and groom… then she would paste her picture onto the bride’s face, and Leonardo Dicaprio’s picture on the groom.
I mentioned this during my speech, and then I held up a magazine and said, “And I just happen to have a picture of Leonardo Dicaprio… and a picture of Andy’s face.”
So in order to make their marriage truly official, I forced Liz to paste a picture of Andy on top of Leonardo Dicaprio’s face in front of everybody. There were other jokes in my speech, but that was the highlight.
The photographers set up a slideshow of pictures to play on a laptop during the reception. They found a picture of Andy playfully choking Taj… and photoshoped it to look like Andy was choking Leonardo Dicaprio. Heeeee hee hee.
And I don’t mean to brag, but afterwards fifteen people asked if I’m a writer, eight people asked if I’m a professional speaker, and two caterers remarked, “I wish you could give that speech at ALL of our weddings.”
A Party For Mon Pomplemousse
The rest of the wedding was kind of a blur. You can tell I’m drinking tequila when I have to recap the night in bullet points:
- The rest of the bridesmaids force me to dance to “Electric Slide” and “Ain’t No Other Man.”
- Andy does The Robot.
- Joe breakdances, as promised.
- The DJ plays “Push It” during the Garter thing.
- I almost lose an eye during the bouquet toss.
- Liz backs up before Andy smashes cake in her face. She gets him pretty good.
- The Best Man grabs my ass.
- BootyDance Lady grabs Tony’s ass.
- Taj grabs my hand, and tries to make me grab Tony’s ass.
- Liz’s wedding dress tries to murder her, and I learn how to loosen a corset in five seconds or less.
- Kelly cures Liz’s tummy ache with pineapple juice, OJ, and Southern Comfort.
- Laura takes over the bar four times to fix Buttery Nipples for the Bridal Party.
- I start a trend by ordering a margarita.
- Taj convinces Liz to turn on the TV just as Pujols hits a home run and we score three runs. Everybody kisses the bride.
- “I have to say, there is a considerable amount of cleavage in this bridal party.” – Best Man.
- Laura serenades everyone in the bar with “London Bridge”.
- During diner, Taj, Kelly and I share our favorite stories about Mr. J. Tom was an amazing dad and one hell of a guy, and we made sure he was there in spirit.
- Because the bar is covered in Budweiser logos and a Cards game was on the TV, we rename the bar “St. Louis”.
- Liz and I attempt to sneak cigarettes around her mom, and we giggle about acting like we’re sixteen.
- I meet Randi’s mom, who looks younger than me even though Randi is older than me. I say, ”Shut up. You are not,” for about a half hour.
- Incredible amounts of booty dancing. It is Florida, after all.
- I tell Liz that Taj is NOT watching the game, just checking the score. He high fives me and yells, “Fuck yeah, Weir!” every ten minutes for the rest of the night.
- Taj and Liz dance to “Run Around Sue” and it was the absolute cutest.
- Tony and Liz dance to… something… and he throws her about five feet in the air.
- Three adult cousins have to get carried out to the car. By their mothers.
- CARDS WIN GAME ONE!!! WOOOOOOO!!!
- Andy and Liz dance to “In Your Eyes” and I almost cry for about the eighth time.
- Andy gives me a bear hug as I’m leaving, and promises me that he’ll take care of Liz forever and keep her safe. Then I cry for real.
Never can say Goodbye Girl
We cap off the night at Liz’s mom’s house. Tony, Taj, Randi and I are pretty drunk. We carry heavy things and eat leftovers. Taj passes out on the floor, Tony cheats on his diet, and Randi and I do a happy dance after we change out of our dresses.
Liz and Andy show up out of nowhere, and Liz and I shriek and hug when we see each other. We are all tanked. Mrs. J. tells Andy that she needs his tux back so she can return it. Andy strips in the parking lot.
You know, I’ve always wondered how well Andy would fit in with the Frat Boys. But as he stood outside lighting a cigarette in boxer briefs, an unbuttoned shirt, and black socks, I decided that he would get along with them perfectly. Then to everyone’s delight, Mrs. J pinches Andy’s butt as she walks inside.
Liz and I hugged goodbye for at least an hour. We end up thanking each other for everything that’s happened in the past sixteen years. We cry. I tell her that when I get married, she’ll be my Maid of Honor, too. We cry some more.
She follows me and Tony to the car, sniffling, and hugs us again.
I put my stuff in the car, start it up, and then run back to hug her some more. We cry.
I turn on the headlights and see her running back to us, holding her dress up so she won’t fall. She dives over Tony in the front seat and we hug, crying and laughing.
Tony finally convinces Liz to go inside and for me to drive away.
I pull out of their complex still sniffling, and Tony lights a cigarette. “Man, girls are so weird.”
Liz, I love you I love you I love you, and thank you so much for everything. Call me when you get back!!!!!!