Wake Me Up Before You Go GOP

Oh, St. Louis. What would we do, ba-by? Without us? Sha-la-la-laaaa…

This morning (or, yesterday) I told my dad that since we’re canceling each other out, we should just skip voting and get pancakes. However, he had already cast an absentee vote, so I had to go do my thing.

If you know me, then you know I hate politics and I hate taking sides. If you’re shit talking, I’ll take the opposite side as you simply because I hate bullies. Hell, my “Coexist” bumper sticker is the biggest political statement I’ve ever made in my life, and that’s about as general and all encompassing as you can get.

But it’s 1 in the morning and I’m still watching the election. Me. The election. I know. The last time I stayed up this late for an election was when I had a crush on Chris Kline.

I took my sleeping pill about an hour ago, but I’m still wide awake with a beer and a breakfast Hot Pocket, screaming at the TV every time they announce the updated results. I’m like a drunk frat boy during the World Series. And it’s the midterms. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Don’t worry, I haven’t completely lost myself in the midst of this… they keep cutting to commentary with former Senator Betty Simms, and I squeal like a little girl every time she’s on. She said that she supports the Stem Cell Initiative even though she’s Republican… because she has triplet grandbabies. TRIPLET GRANDBABIES!! EEEE!!! I heart Betty Simms.

Jim Talent has been winning all day and the Stem Cell Initiative has been losing… this is because all the rural votes came in and were counted immediately. It was practically 50/50 (like 53/47) all day… I’m shocked at how close it was in the rural areas.

Actually, I’m not… my state was basically cut in half during the Civil War, for crying out loud. That kind of sums up everything.

But now the votes from St. Louis and Kansas City are coming in, and with every batch comes a new lead for Team Michael J. Fox.

God, I wish Michael J. Fox could do a split-screen debate with the most beloved Republican of all time, Alex P. Keaton. How sweet would that have been? Can somebody go wake up James Lipton? He could make that happen.

Right at midnight, Claire McCaskill went from losing by 3 points to a 14,000 vote lead in the span of like two minutes. That’s when I decided I was in it for the long haul. Right now it looks like everything I voted for is going to win. I like Claire, even if she does murder old people*.

Now I know what it feels like for a sports fan. It’s kind of bugging me out, to be honest. I’d much rather go back to disagreeing with everyone and therefore not caring. But all of these issues are split by less than 10,000 votes. I get more hits than that on Myspace. This election blows my mind.

So now it’s like 2am and Claire McCaskill is giving a victory speech. I really want to stay awake for the Stem Cells but I don’t think I can make it.

Hey, do you think if we referred to embryos as “An Army of One”, more rednecks would have voted for this thing? We’ve killed thousands of soldiers in the war, and those are human beings with functioning brains and millions of friends and family. Why can’t I draft some of my eggs to “fight the good fight” and cure everybody of everything? Like they know what’s going on anyways.

*Paid for by the Republican National Committee.