The One About Christmas Eve

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a title, and then I got distracted by like eight things. I’m sorry. Let’s move on.

Guess who couldn’t fall asleep and was up ALL NIGHT?

Guess who finished wrapping Christmas presents at 3am, did her laundry at 4, watched the sunrise and rocked out to Bow Wow on MTV at six in the mornin’*?

That’s okay, because now I have the whole day to relax, and I’ll definitely fall asleep early tonight. Hopefully. I’m assuming. Maybe I will hang my stockings by the chimney with extra eggnog on this night before Christmas.

I am kicking Christmas’s ASS this year and it’s not even here yet**. Work was awesome on Friday – we had our annual Christmas party and I got to be the Santa photographer. I also got to wear reindeer ears all day.

Coolest presents I got:

* A treasure box with 60 $1 coins to celebrate the company’s 60th anniversary
* A ginormous peppermint stick, awesomely called “The North Pole”
* A bubbly foot spa from Vee! For my hurt foot! I love Vee!

Favorite presents I bought:

* Ripley’s Believe It Or Not for Tony
* Walkie Talkies for Warren
* Robot Puppy for Sarah

I would think of something funny to end this with, but c’mon. I am on zero sleep. What more do you want from me? Anyways, have a Merry Christmas, everybzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

*He is just the cutest thing ever, isn’t he?

**I may be dead tired, but I DO know that I should have typed “Christmas’ “. It just looked weird without the ‘s’. I like it better this way. An extra ‘S’ for Sleepy. Merry Christmas.

You Might Be PMSing If …

… you watch “Elf” and sob uncontrollably at the ending, because you never believed in Santa.

You immediately follow this by watching “rockDocs: The Return of Courtney Love”, while enjoying the hell out of an Oreo McFlurry.

The Moment I Wake Up… Before I Put On My Makeup…

Dear Jesus,

Thank you very much for this McDonald’s Breakfast which I am about to eat.

Thank you for the number three combo, and all that it has bestowed on me on this glorious morning. Thank you for this wonderful delicacy, the Bacon, Egg & Cheese biscuit. Thank you God for delicious crispy hash browns that come in cute little paper sleeves that taste so wonderful always. Thank you for my “Premium, More Robust” coffee.

No matter how much I have drank last night, no matter how little I have slept, or how early I have to go into work, I know that I can count on you, Lord, and Ronald McDonald to provide me with a delightful combination of grease and salt and artificial bacon product that will instantly cure me of any hangover or fatigue or cranky trials and tribulations that I have faced in my journey from my bed to the drive-thru window.

Thank you for this biscuit, and the way it flakes perfectly as if straight from the Cracker Barrel. Thank you for melting cheese on everything. Thank you for fluffy fake eggs that are folded more perfectly than any garment I have ever owned. Thank you for letting the bacon taste like bacon even though it is probably not bacon. Thank you for teaching your disciples to fry potatoes in such a glorious manner. Thank you for cream and sugar automatically placed in the cup for me, Jesus.

Ye, though I drive through the valley which has not been snowplowed yet, I will not fear sliding off of the highway overpass onto the other highway, for thou art with me. Thy golden arches in the distance, they comfort me.

Forgive us for our trespasses, and forgive those who trespass against us by making us stay out for “just one more” beer when you have to work in the morning, and then call you at 2am to sing The Warrior by Scandal (“Shootin’ at the walls of heartache – bang bang! I am the warrior…”).

Thank you for a roommate who will wake up at 6 am to help me scrape off my car, who doesn’t laugh at me as I whimper and bitchslap snow off of my roof, and lights a cigarette for me when I am wearing my mittens. And thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus for McDonald’s Breakfast.

Also, please turn my power back on.

Amen.