And We Were Eating Chocolate Chip Teddy Grahams

Guy: I f**king hate Christians.

Stephie: Eep. Where did that come from?

Guy: From always. They’re so f&%king annoying.

Stephie: They’re not all bad.

Guy: No… no they are. They really pissed me off today. Ugh.

Stephie: What did they do?

Guy: They handed me this, like, pamphlet about heaven.

Stephie: Did they single you out or just like, hand one to everybody?

Guy: They were just handing them out but… god! Why can’t they leave people alone? They just stand there and talk in my face.

Stephie: (I laugh for 5 minutes at the phrase “talk in my face”)

Guy: (holds up pamphlet) I mean, what is this shit?

Stephie: Screw them for inviting you to heaven!

Guy: Yeah well, it’s none of their business! Maybe I’m already goin’! They don’t know! They just look at me and assume stuff. And, and they all stereotype people who aren’t religious.

Stephie: They all do that?

Guy: Yeah.

Stephie: Man, I hate how they all stereotype people.

Guy: I KNOW, right?

Stephie: Yeah, I hate how they ALL… all of them lump everybody together.

Obviously, I have trouble keeping my mouth shut when I’m around religious people, and I’m quick to stick up for anybody. It’s a lot tougher to do that when I’m around the non-religious folk, and they forget that I used to teach Sunday School and I still pray every day, and they say some vile horrible shit that I didn’t type and I feel like they’re talking about me. I get why Guy would say those things, but sometimes I feel like I’m undercover, no matter who I’m with.

I spent eighteen years in a “holy roller” church, and five and a half years at arguably the most liberal college in Missouri. And the thing that amazes me more than anything else is that you all act and sound exactly alike when it comes to dealing with each other. I wish there was a way to show everyone what they have in common.

I don’t listen to people who e-mail me Bible verses, and I don’t listen to people who think they’re so GD special because they read The Economist. I listen to people who understand that it’s okay to read The Bible and The Economist and Left Behind and Harry Potter and whatever else you want, so long as you top it off with The Onion.

*The name has been changed to protect Pandy, who requested that I write about this right after I finished writing this. It’s worth noting that we were snuggling on the couch wearing bunny slippers and watching “Return from Witch Mountain” during this conversation.