Monthly Archives: May 2007

Summer Lovin’

Stephie: Seriously, that was the nicest present I’ve ever gotten from a boy.

Mark: Really?

Stephie: Of course!

Mark: I guess a security dog is pretty nice. He WAS my best stuffed animal, you know.

Stephie: Oh, I know. He rocks.

Mark: Yeah… that was a pretty good present… geez…

Stephie: Hey! I gave you my virginity, man. We are even.

Mark: Nu-uh! You didn’t give it to me! I took it!

Stephie: Hee. Then I guess… we’re not even?

Mark: Nope. Guess not.

Stephie: You owe me one virginity.

Mark: Hee.

Stephie: You owe me one virgin. A dead virgin.

Mark: Oh, no problem.

Stephie: You’ll just run down to the basement and grab one, right?

Mark: I’m sure I have one in my car.

Stephie: I have tons of them in my ashtray.

Mark: Wait…

Stephie: What?

Mark: Does it count if they were virgins when they died?

Stephie: Sure.

Mark: Oh! In that case, I have plenty.

I don’t know why Mark and I talk about dead people so much, but whatever. He’s so great.

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Because I Am That Cool …

… here is a long dorky survey I put on Myspace last week. I did not fill this all out at once – I randomly collected questions over a while and threw them all in the same bulletin. Chris requested a permanent home for it, so here it is:

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
Oh, you don’t want to know. Actually, you probably do know and you’re rolling your eyes.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I park at the top of a hill, so when I’m done unloading I usually just let the cart roll into the side of the building. I half-ass return it.

3. What is the best nickname you’ve ever had and why did you have it?
Precious Moments, in London. My friend Macie thought I looked like one.

4. Do you take compliments well?
It depends how much I believe it. Usually, no.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
Yay! Yes! I think it is so much fun.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I’d cry and cry, then a family of bunnies would adopt me.

7. Do you like to ride horses?
Yes, unless they take off running and Heather just points at me and laughs.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yeah, I went to Jesus Camp. I haven’t seen that movie, but my jesus camp was fun and I grew up just fine, didn’t I? (Best part = shaving cream fights. I would beg my mom to buy like 8 cans of shaving cream and she was like, “You’re retarded.”)

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Sardines. It was like Hide and Seek, but reversed. If you find the sardines, you hide with them. I just remember lots of squishing and giggling and shushing. Then more giggling.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it?
That’s about the least sexy thing you could do. Married people are butt ugly, with their man rings and two heads. Not my type!

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?
I always approach dates like they’re not dates. I’m just hanging out with a friend. When it’s over, you’ll know if it was a date or not. Life is easier when you don’t have to lie, and dates are always a big awkward lie whether you like the other person or not.

12.Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Sure, so long as they respect mine. We probably will not talk about this much. Oh and you’re never allowed to talk about religion with my Dad, EVER. Then we’ll be cool.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Be pursued. When I like a boy, I can’t even function. I need someone to shake my shoulders and snap me out of it. “It’s okay! I like you too!”

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
“I’m Getting There.” Or, “Treading Water, Financially.” That’s more like my Indian Name.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
“With Or Without You” and “Wild Horses”. “The Scientist” by Coldplay seriously makes me want to kill myself.

16. Are you continuing your education?
I wish! I want a degree in everything!

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yeah. Do I know how to aim? No.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My blanky. Or I guess my roommate if he’s not awake.

19. How often do you read books?
Every night, although moving has made me consider kicking that habit. Books are heavy! (“Have you heard of this place called a library?” Shut up.)

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All three at once, which makes my head hurt. I don’t think about the past as much as I used to though, which is nice.

21. What is your favorite children’s book?
The Story About Ping. Ping is a Chinese baby duck and I loooove him. Props to Drewfus for answering this question with a Lynda Barry book.

22. What color are your eyes?
Green, although ¼ of my right eye is still blue (YES Kelly and Heather, I’ll admit that it is blue. This settles our 15-year-long fight).

23. How tall are you?
5’2

24. Where is your dream house located?
I have about 40 of them in Kirkwood alone. Whichever one has a secret passage. I want that one.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?
Eyebrows. My not-so-secret fetish is the funnel. Hooray for funnels!

26. Have you tried sushi?
I like the California roll. And the ones with apples. That’s about as far as I go.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
I LOVE PHOTO BOOTHS!!! WHY AM I YELLING??

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Maybe 5 years ago? Josh asked me to the Olive Garden which is how we became friends. I’m looking forward to that.

29. When was the last time you were at Church?
About a year ago, unless you count a Fish Fry. I’m still trying to find a church that I like.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Work. 4 miles. I need to get out more.

31. What was your favorite job?
Pizza Hut. I was a cook and I was never trained to answer the phones so I didn’t have to deal with customers. All my boys worked there and my bosses partied with us. Seriously, the best job I’ll ever have.

32. Do you like mustard?
I say I’m allergic. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. Do you want to kill me? No? Then don’t give me mustard.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep. I can eat whenever I want. I rarely sleep. Also sleep doesn’t make me fat.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I look a lot like my dad which is unfortunate because (a) my mom is beautiful and (b) I’m adopted.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
Five, ten minutes. Depends if I zone out or not.

36. Can you do the splits?
No, but I can make my leg pop!

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Knocked Up. I love anything that Judd Apatow breathes on.

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?
Only if I started training for a marathon or something. It would be awesome to be instantly stronger. Can I have a remote control? Like in that shitty movie?

39. What did you do for New Year’s?
Party hopping (and party ditching) with my favorite people in the world.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
That thing coming out of her head in the shower was enough for me.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?
Janis and Damien, but only as a team. Also Tina Fey, always.

42. Do you own a camera phone?
Yeah, this new one kind of makes me look like a crackwhore.

43. Do you have an “ex box” with pics and letters from past
lovers?
Nah. It’s all mixed in with my other stuff. Although, does my Top Friends/comments section count? Most of those boys are still my best friends.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
She was a Beauty Queen; no lie!

45. What’s the last letter of your middle name?
N. Is this a sobriety test?

46. Do you like your middle name?
Yes, I like “Carolyn”. I even like “Caroline”, which is what I thought my middle name was until like 5th grade.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Four. Six if I’m lucky.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
I buy candy at Walgreens and sneak it in. I’m no dope.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Not really. I can play video poker. I really have no patience for that game.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
I haven’t been lately and I don’t know why. I try to.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
A t-shirt I “won” in New Jersey for eating a giant pizza, despite the fact that all the Jersey Boys had to help me eat it.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
St. Louis? Everything that’s awesome! Kirkwood? The birth of Scott Bacula.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Three, unless you count the insane amount of Flavor-Ice that I’ve been eating.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
No. I wanted to get it pierced, but changed my mind before I turned 18, thank god.

56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?
Yeah, a few! They were already friends of friends so it wasn’t weird. They are some of my best friends now.

57. Do you read myspace bulletins?
You know, I used to get so pissed about those surveys but now I’m doing one. I like bulletins. I have solved so many problems just by posting one.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny. Ew! Who likes serious people? What is wrong with you?

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Yes, when I was 12. I will get back out there soon, I promise!

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No. ☹

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
No, I say the first letter of the English ones… “Don’t be a B.” “What a C.” “Oh F.” “GD it, you A-Holes!”

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Honestly, I still run with an AM/FM radio. Somehow I ended up with a few free songs from MySpace, but I’ve been trying to snag the Grey Album for like ten years and I still can’t figure out how to do it.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
Are you crazy??

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
They try to talk to me while I’m running on their treadmill, I spazz out and tell them to leave me alone, they tell me to not be a B, etc etc.

65. Are you a gullible person?
People say I am, but should I believe them? I’m being serious.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Barf; who needs one of those?

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
Can I just get paid for blogging about my dumb life? People seem to like that.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
I hope so.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Dusk and/or dawn. When the sky is that gorgeous cobalt blue and the shadows are crazy and it’s otherwise quiet and cool and perfect.

70. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
Mr. Kriewall. He was tall and funny, which pretty much seals the deal for me. He once wore Bermuda shorts in 5-degree weather to “protest winter”. Love.

71. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
I think we attempted to but… has anyone ever been successful at this? I remember being terribly uncomfortable and getting a crick in my neck.

72. What part of your body do you wash first?
Hands.
Obviously.

73. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
It depends how comfortable/drunk I am.

74. Do you have an innie or an outtie?
Innie. I would love to meet someone my age with an outtie (besides pregnant women). I can’t even imagine that. God, I haven’t thought about outties in years.

75. What’s your favorite flavored Pringles?
Cheese ‘Ums, doy!!!

76. Have you ever been tied up?
Like as in “being busy?” I am all tied up with some stupid survey; I can’t answer this question right now (also: yeah freaking right, like I would let someone do that. I’ve watched enough Law and Order: SVU to know better).

77. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
Worst like stupid? I snuck out to TP someone and ended up kissing my best guy friend, which is always a great idea right? The day I got ungrounded, I moved down to the basement.

78. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
Does it count if I only let one of them kiss me? Like the first date sucked so bad I had to cancel it out immediately? Then yes.

79. How many times have you been cursed out?
Three or less, I think. I block out stuff like that.

80. Do you have a collection that you think will be valuable one day and everyone tells you it will be worthless when your children have it?
I collect ridiculous stories. I think making my grandkids laugh will be very valuable. I mean, have you ever hung out with my grandma? Priceless.

81. How old are you?
26, although I feel 23. I always accidentally say “Me too!” when people tell me they’re 23. I think that is my “permanent age” that old people always talk about.

82. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They are all musicians or alcoholics or both, so… great forearms. Surprisingly hot forearms.

83.Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
SNIPE HUNTING? I don’t even know what that means but I want in. What is that?

84. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
Doesn’t matter. He gets wiped away by the random people who show up in my dreams (I love dreaming about weird random people).

85. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
Yes. My favorite was the French haiku.

86. What was your childhood nickname?
Miss Stephie. Everybody and their mother called me that. Or Ste-Pho-Nee, like from Short Circuit.

87. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Never. What is this, Wayne’s World?

88. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sex’s locker room?
Yes, but that was in like 8th grade. I imagine I didn’t miss much.

89. What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
I snapped a picture of Mark sleeping in the backseat while driving 90mph, and it turned out perfect. Also I gave myself a decent French manicure on the way to Liz’s rehearsal dinner.

90. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
Fucking gross, myspace. Come on now.

91. How do you normally eat your oreo cookies?
Happily. Then guiltily.

92. Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.
I sing and dance, especially while cooking. I like to listen to Joe Cocker while making omlettes.

93. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
It depends. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t like getting drunk… just buzzed enough to make me sleepy later.

94. Have you ever sniffed an animal’s butt?
Have YOU???

95. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper?
I just use little clouds to powder my nose. I don’t know what this question means. This must be a question for boys.

96. Do you have any strange phobias?
When people paint eyes on their chin and film themselves talking upside-down. Whatever that is called. It is terrifying.

97. What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done at a bar?
Drinking 4 Guinness in under 2 hours, followed by like 6 shots, followed by puking on Bunratty Castle, followed by getting dropped on my face and chipping my tooth outside of “Durty Nelly’s”.

98. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?
Eating curry flavored Pringles. Eeew.

99. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guy’s name?
Yes, but not in bed. Haha that would have been awesome though!

100. Have you ever played naked twister?
Narsty.

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The International House of Awesome!

Today is RØB’s birthday. Happy birthday RØB! In addition to being Shortcake’s 2007 MVC (most valuable commenter), RØB is also the pancake master of Pancake Productions, and he is always whipping up cool events around town.

The latest event is extra important to note because it includes a lot of people in the Shortcake universe. So if you read Shortcake and you live in St. Louis, I want to see your ass at the Winifred Moore Auditorium at NOON on Saturday, May 26 for a screening of Diary of a Co-worker.

Click here to see the trailer!

The star of the film is Mort from Two Rude Dudes. You may have also noticed a cameo from Josh Arnold (of Pointe South fame) and RØB himself. Play the trailer again just for the music – it’s by Kevin Buckley, who is Music Mike’s friend and the genius behind Grace Basement. Kevin doesn’t know this, but I think he’s brilliant.

In addition to Diary of a Co-worker, they’ll be screening Exclusively Yours, which I’ve heard is also amazing.

Oh, did I mention you can see these two films for FREE??? Now you have no excuse. Hell, we can even carpool.

They made this a couple of years ago, before I really knew any of them. I can’t wait to see this. Also watch it again and admire their vests and bowties. I had to wear that uniform for two years. Jealous?

~~~*~~~

This weekend was super duper fun. I got to ride to North County in a car with four comedians, which should tell you everything you need to know. Adam and Jaime threw a fundraiser for Breast Cancer Research and it was the most fun I’ve had in months.

Adam and Dave’s band, Poisonous Whitesnake, made their debut. I actually danced for like 30 seconds – that’s how awesome it was. By the end of the night everyone was tipsy and the old people were gone, so the comedians all went up one by one and were basically allowed to do whatever they wanted, which is always dangerous and always hysterical. I really have a blast whenever I hang out with that group of friends.

Also, my cousin Andrew’s band had their CD Release Party at the Pageant!! Bockman kicks so much ass, and not just because they’re named after a Kurt Vonnegut story. Everybody needs to go pick up a copy of Chasing Dragons ASAP.

Saturday was my three month anniversary of quitting smoking. I have to confess – I HAVE smoked four cigarettes in those three months. But considering the fact that I used to smoke 15 a day, I don’t think those four should count. Also: smoking is how I meet cute boys! They were so cute! It was an emergency!

~~~*~~~

And finally, here are two of the latest installments of Pointe South and Two Rude Dudes:

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Death, Insomnia, and Singleton Musings – or, “Monday”

It’s 2:39 am. I just finished reading Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield. I’ve been halfway watching Spanglish on the TV. I have 28 new MySpace messages, 23 of which need a reply.

How on earth can I possibly sleep when there are all these things around that want to talk to me?

The people who live in the condo next door – the one I can see out of my kitchen window – they have their lights on, too. This makes me like them.

Love is a Mix Tape was pretty great. It’s a bit like High Fidelity, except it’s true. And instead of a break-up with Laura, this Rob is dealing with the death of Renee. I completely related to Rob’s pain, even though my Renee didn’t die. It feels like he did sometimes. This is the stuff you think about at 3 in the morning.

~~~*~~~

This weekend I finally mapped out my new five mile route. I love five mile walks. It feels like a journey, even though you’re just going in a big circle. I like to bring my phone and catch up with my friends. I love my friends. They’re all over the place and I miss them. I like having an hour or so to catch up with people I love.

Yesterday’s walk was absolutely beautiful. It had just finished raining and I was walking though the park and there were fireflies everywhere. I really wanted to share that moment with somebody. I called a few of my favorite walking buddies (Mark, Liz, Josh, Grandma) but no one was home. That’s always a crappy feeling.

So I called Pammy, and as soon as she picked up the phone she exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad it’s you! I was just thinking about you!” That’s always the best feeling.

She asked me all about my life and I asked her about hers, and I made her describe her son and she gushed about him to the point where I almost cried. She asked me advice. I asked her advice. We gossiped and spilled serious beans. We laughed. When we hung up, she said it again: “I’m SO SO SO glad you called.”

~~~*~~~

I walk by the graveyard twice on this new route. Ra grew up next door to the cemetery, so I’ve been hanging out there since I was six. We used to run around in the field, cut through there on our way to buy candy, or explore the names and dates on the graves.

When I passed it for the last time yesterday, there was a car leaving. I’m not afraid of the graveyard at all. It’s the safest place to ride my bike, the best place to watch fireworks, and on nice nights I can sit under a tree and finish my chats before heading home. But those cars – especially cars with old people – they really get to me. Dead people don’t bother me, at least not the ones underground. It’s the people they leave behind that give me the chills.

I miss having Liz, Pammy and Ra in my daily life. I need those girls. It breaks my heart that I don’t have time to visit them. And although I’m happy for them, it almost breaks my heart that they all met boys and moved far away to be with them. That’s was something I could have done, too. I could have done that first. I could have done that twice. But I passed it up, which is a decision I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

That’s another thing I do when I am awake. Because if I had moved for that boy I would be asleep right now. That was the only time in my life that I slept – I slept completely sober, safe and sound. Effortlessly. I miss that. I miss my best friends, and I miss being able to sleep, and I still miss him. A lot.

If Ra, Pammy and Liz were here right now, we would be sipping wine coolers and chain-smoking on my parents back porch. Liz would hug me and say “awww, poor sneffie head” over and over. Pammy would give the perfect reaction to anything I said (“He did WHAT?”) and then she would say something wise and profound, which she has been doing since age 11. Ra would basically just call me “retarded” for missing him, and of course, she would be right.

I mean, other friends from that era are still around, but they’re all boys and they all have wives or girlfriends. They are not allowed on the back porch at night anymore. They can’t be a walking buddy. Innocent things become off limits – not for an actual reason, but just out of respect. I’m not going to fight it. It sucks, but I understand.

At least I still have Jen. Jen and I packed a lifetime’s worth of memories into the first four months of our friendship. Jen knows why I miss him. Jen just kind of rocks in general and so does her husband, and their cats, and their friends, and their advice and stories and big hearts and everything.

Tonight (for it is officially Monday) I get to walk to Jen’s house. Those are the best walks – the ones where I’m walking to someone or from somewhere.

Usually I’m just walking in circles, forever trying to catch up with people I’ll never fully reach again.

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Sonic Rheum

I feel a little bit like a turtle on it’s back. Stationary. Helpless. Watching the world go by, completely unable to participate.

However, I’m also pretty pissed off, so unlike turtles (excluding the snapping turtle, which I’m sure I will mirror at least once today) there’s no doubt that I could eff someone up if provoked enough.

And I’m bummed out and sad, so I’m a little more vulnerable and cuddly than a creature with a half shell. I have no major reason for feeling this way, just millions of tiny reasons that poke at me enough to cause considerable pain.

So to review: half of me wants to hurt someone. The other half just wants a hug.

Basically, I feel like this guy:

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Top 20 Things I Don’t Miss About Smoking

1. Watching my non-smoker friends stand there all awkward/cold/bored while I smoke.

2. Getting winded after, like, sitting up too fast.

3. Stank ass winter coats (the WORST!).

4. Turning on the AC in my car with the hand I’m holding my cigarette in, causing ash to blow everywhere including up my nose (true story).

5. That horrifying commercial with the singing tracheotomy cowboy.

6. Hearing bitchy fake coughing from non-smokers.

7. Digging out my ID every day (okay I’m lying, I miss this).

8. Standing in the “smoker’s corral” and feeling like a zoo animal.

9. Being afraid that I’ll sound like Marge Simpson’s sisters someday.

10. Getting hit in the face with hail (also a true story).

11. The narcissism that comes from giving myself a “reward” for EVERYTHING.
(“Finished that report – now I can smoke.” “Done with work – now I can smoke.” “Woke up okay – now I can smoke.”)

12. The awful, horrible judgmental glare that little kids give you right after they learn why smoking is bad.

13. Ashing on black pants.

14. Going through the same security line at O’Hare Airport FOUR TIMES to smoke during a long layover.

15. Throwing a cigarette butt out of my car window and thinking it blew back in the car, creating a fear that the trash in my backseat will burst into flames at any given moment.

16. Lectures from sincere old people.

17. Getting busted for listening to New Edition because my car window is always cracked open.

18. Freaking out my neighbors by sitting on the front porch 24/7 – facing their window.

19. Being a total C when I haven’t smoked all day.

20. The smell of an apartment after 10+ people have chain-smoked inside all night.

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