1. Watching my non-smoker friends stand there all awkward/cold/bored while I smoke.
2. Getting winded after, like, sitting up too fast.
3. Stank ass winter coats (the WORST!).
4. Turning on the AC in my car with the hand I’m holding my cigarette in, causing ash to blow everywhere including up my nose (true story).
5. That horrifying commercial with the singing tracheotomy cowboy.
6. Hearing bitchy fake coughing from non-smokers.
7. Digging out my ID every day (okay I’m lying, I miss this).
8. Standing in the “smoker’s corral” and feeling like a zoo animal.
9. Being afraid that I’ll sound like Marge Simpson’s sisters someday.
10. Getting hit in the face with hail (also a true story).
11. The narcissism that comes from giving myself a “reward” for EVERYTHING.
(“Finished that report – now I can smoke.” “Done with work – now I can smoke.” “Woke up okay – now I can smoke.”)
12. The awful, horrible judgmental glare that little kids give you right after they learn why smoking is bad.
13. Ashing on black pants.
14. Going through the same security line at O’Hare Airport FOUR TIMES to smoke during a long layover.
15. Throwing a cigarette butt out of my car window and thinking it blew back in the car, creating a fear that the trash in my backseat will burst into flames at any given moment.
16. Lectures from sincere old people.
17. Getting busted for listening to New Edition because my car window is always cracked open.
18. Freaking out my neighbors by sitting on the front porch 24/7 – facing their window.
19. Being a total C when I haven’t smoked all day.
20. The smell of an apartment after 10+ people have chain-smoked inside all night.