I’ve been semi-hopeful for the past few weeks because I thought that I was getting a breast reduction (or as I like to call it, the ol’ Punky Brewster). Well, I just found out that my insurance denied it because… I’m too small? I’m pretty bummed out about it… I really thought I was going to be free from at least one (or rather, two) of the issues that have been plaguing me lately. Instead, I’m stuck with them. The story of my life. But no one’s ever accused me of being too FLAT before, so… silver lining.
Last weekend, my mom was looking out the kitchen window at the house behind ours. She commented that Mr. Blattner, the 90-year-old widower, was outside. “You should go over there and talk to him,” she said. “He always asks about you.”
Mr. and Mrs. Blattner were always really sweet to me. They gave my brother and I Easter candy every year, plus graduation cards and stuff. I had just finished running 8 miles on the treadmill, though, so I thought to myself, “I’ll go over there some other day.”
Immediately after I said this, I thought about the last photograph I took of my old dog, Midnight. She was by the window in the kitchen, trying to sleep… that’s mainly what she did in those last few months. I laid down on the floor and kissed her nose, and then I snapped a picture.
As I stood up, I thought to myself, “That’s probably the last picture I’ll ever take of her.”
She died a week later. My mom sat with her while Tanner’s dad put her to sleep.
So when I told myself, “I’ll go over there some other day,” I thought about that picture, and then I couldn’t help but think, “So, he’s probably going to die, like just because I thought that.”
He died two days ago. He fell on the sidewalk in front of his house, and my mom saw it and ran over to help. His son took him to the hospital and he died the next morning.
Here are two things that drive my shrink crazy:
1. My mom is the most selfless person in the world and she has to deal with so much. When something bad happens to her, I feel so angry and anxious and helpless that I can’t even function. This drives my shrink crazy because we both know that I can’t change the past, I can’t fix my dad, etc. etc.
2. I killed my dog and Mr. Blattner with my brain – obviously – and I feel like I did something bad to my mom. This drives my shrink crazy because we both know it’s not true, but I’m still sick to my stomach and I still want to cry because I feel guilty.
This is a bummer of an entry. But I’ve been a bummer of a person lately, which is one reason why I’m going to the shrink. She thinks I am “bonkers in the best way”. I like her.
I had a conversation with a friend recently about my insomnia. He is really into therapy and 12-stepish things, so he suggested “talking it out” with somebody. So that’s what I’m doing, and this week I’m supposed to “identify negative thinking”.
Like, when a certain person walks by and I think, “What a bitch!” I immediately have to identify it: “Labeling!”
So what the hell does this have to do with 4th of July? I love the 4th more than any other holiday, but for the past few years I’ve gotten super anxious even just thinking about it. I can’t tell you why, but it makes my head hurt and my heart race and a bunch of other stuff. I get pretty stressed out in the days leading up to it. So I had to identify a bunch of negative thinking yesterday, and it turned out to be a pretty delightful day. I really do love the 4th and I love the people that I spend it with.
So yeah… I’m working on being happier and more optimistic, and hopefully this will help me sleep. Also hopefully, I won’t write any more bummer entries (although if someone dedicated their entire blog to Shrink Homework, I would be all up in that shit and I know you would be too).