Champs and Chumps V: Stayin’ Alive

“It doesn’t get any better than this.”

“Aw. That’s nice of you to say.”

“No, I mean I think my car just ran out of Freon.”

Me and Pandy, 10 minutes into a 40 minute drive

Time for another Champs and Chumps! You ready?


Francis: Because first of all, he’s getting married tomorrow – congratulations, you two! Second: he made this super cool movie a few years ago, Harold Buttleman. Some of the stars include John Hawkes (Deadwood), Dan Castellaneta (Homer Simpson) and Stee (God, Inc.). You can find the whole movie youtubed here, but if you sign up at, he’ll get $1 towards the budget of the movie. Click the widget on the side of my blog; it’s fast and easy. Think of it as a wedding present. And watch his movie!

Clark and Michael: Holy crap, have you guys seen this? Michael Cera (Superbad, Arrested Development) and his buddy Clark (Greek) are making webisodes about working in “the biz”. They are hysterical. I am officially in love with Michael, bringing my Summer of High School Boys crush tally to an even 3. Yikes.

Tofu: I worked in a health food store for over a year and I never touched the stuff. It just ooked me out the way it floated in water, you know? But like all other food I’ve been afraid to try, someone snuck it into a dish a few months ago, and I accidentally ate it and it was delicious, and now I crave all tofu all of the time. If anybody (Coire) knows of a website with good recipes, let me know.

YAZ!: I have to type this with all caps because it’s fun to say. I like to make jazz hands when I say it. But gals, those YAZ! commercials really are legit. I have not cried in like three months – about anything – and I believe it is mainly because of YAZ! I watched EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER without crying, that’s how much it works.

Josh: He took me to the new stadium last night. I’ve never been there – I think it’s great. Even greater was the fact that we partied in the room, so there were about 8 giant TVs in there, along with hella free food and beer. People kept stopping by our window to gaze longingly into the room, like we were puppies at a pet store. Josh and I decided that we should be rolling around in newspaper, chewing on squeaky toys, and one of us should be perpetually sleeping. Josh kept talking to the little kids like they were old college buddies, and the kids were eating it up. Watching Josh with kids makes me want to make a baby with him. It was a good night and the Cards won – I even saw a home run!

Pink Shorts: The downside to having an apartment full of windows is the heat in the summer. It’s basically excruciating, which is why I refuse to wear pants in my apartment. I have a pair of pink terry cloth shorts that I love so much and I immediately put them on when I get home from work. Jason gleefully yells, “Pink shorts time!” at least once a day. So comfy.

Cupcakes: I am having so much fun with cupcakes, even though I don’t really eat them anymore. I can’t stop making them for people, which is such a stupid trendy thing to type, but it’s true. When we watch The Sandlot in a few weeks, I am making – wait for it – S’mores Cupcakes. Just you wait.

My Grandma: She’s giving me her American Airlines miles, which means I can fly to JERSEY next month, and possibly even Ann Arbor and L.A, too. Do you know how long it’s been since I took a trip? Do you know how many friends I’ve been dying to see? I’m so psyched.

Glarkware: I’ve been buying Glarkware for a while (“Go Pirates!” hoodie, anyone?), but the latest two shirts really make me laugh. I got an Office-themed shirt:

And this one, which is hands-down my favorite shirt of all time:

This site is packed full of hysterical shirts, but they also do limited editions based on TV shows, like the “Always Bring Backup” hoodie I bought, too. Go check it out.

Cameraphones: Because now you can all laugh with me:


Lack of Chumps: I don’t really have much to complain about. Even the heat isn’t getting to me as much as it was last year. Usually the Chumps section is better than the Champs section, but yeah… I don’t have much to bitch about right now. And now that I think about it, this whole paragraph should probably be in the Champs section, too.

Smoking: So gross and so stinky, yet so cool and so delicious. I got away with smoking at work for a month, but now I’m back to smoking in my car and at the bar. It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be, which is nice, but still unhealthy and sad. I’ve decided to quit again after I’ve lost that extra 10% of myself.

Free Nachos: Because how the hell am I supposed to lose 10% of myself when there’s free nachos all up in my face?

Cramps: I know, ew. But I’m short on chumps, and they’re bad enough today that I need to reproach them publicly. Girls are probably with me on this. Guys, this is what a cramp feels like: take the worst charleyhorse you’ve ever had, and stick it somewhere in between your belly button and your ass. That’s called “becoming a woman”. Be glad you are not one.

Lost: Because I listened to their podcast yesterday, and it made me remember how much it rocks, and it made me realize how long we have to wait for new ones. Boooo! Bring it back now!!!

Broken Toilet Tanks: Last weekend our toilet broke. It flushed, but we had to fill up the tank ourselves. Do you know how much water it takes to flush a toilet? It took us eight salad bowls – that’s the big salad bowl that fits over my head times 8 – to flush our toilet all weekend. The worst part? I wouldn’t have to pee until I heard my roommate pour water for like an hour, and then we’d have to start the process all over again. I plan on researching and writing a Sludgie about how to save water in the toilet. It was quite the unpleasant revelation.

Me: Because somewhere in this entry, I used YouTube as a verb. That’s almost as shameful as “he myspaced me”.

Jason: Because he keeps stocking our refrigerator with exotic cheeses, and even worse, he makes me taste test all of them. Really, he forces me to. He drags me into the kitchen and waves it in my face, all sweet and generous and shit. It’s torture. Cheese is my kryptonite, especially that $15-per-pound block of cheddar that’s literally 20 feet away from me now, that I can’t eat. I take back what I said about YAZ! This cheese might really make me cry.

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