I Kiss You On The Brain In The Shadow Of A Train

Today I continued my year-end gyro bender at Magic Market, and some guy in line told me I had pretty eyes. Very loudly. In front of everybody. I looked like THIS.

Last night Iain and I saw Juno. SO CUTE! The reviews were spot on – the dialogue is a bit too quippy, but eventually you get used to it and you have to love it. Michael Cera and Ellen Page are both perfect. They deliver every line flawlessly and they make it seem so natural and effortless. Jason Bateman was adorable as always. Everything that came out of Allison Janney’s mouth made me laugh my ass off.

The scenes I loved the most, however, were the ones with Jennifer Garner. I’m adopted, so all of those parts reminded me of my mom and seriously tugged at my heartstrings. Also, the music is super fun (The Moldy Peaches, anybody?!?!). Alsoalso, Iain drove me there in his dad’s BMW and it was hot sh*t.

I spent most of 2007 looking forward to Wristcutters and I spent the rest of the time anticipating Juno. Well, during the previews I found my 2008 movie: Young @ Heart. Iain waited til he came home to see Juno with me; I may have to fly out to LA to see this with him.

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Christmas Eve and Christmas were fun this year. I don’t know why, but once I publicly declared my hatred for Christmas, things started getting good.

We went to my Aunt’s house on Monday. The Illinois side of the family really knows how to party. We drank profusely. I snuck cigarettes with my cousins. I helped my dad with his Scratcher Cards and he won $200. My cousin Tiffy and I went on our first beer run together. We revived the Kid’s Table, which is much more fun now that we’re allowed to cuss. We taught Grandma how to play Wii. Such a blast!

I love my parents and Grandma more than anything, but Christmas Day is kind of exhausting for me. My brother and his wife are in Vegas, so it’s just me and 3 senior citizens. Opening presents honestly takes 2 hours, sometimes 3. It’s sooooo sloooow. The one cool thing is my mom has started videotaping EVERYTHING for my brother, so when I get bored I just mug for the camera:

“We’re in Day Four of opening presents. Grandma has received a pashmina, which should keep her warm. We’re still searching for chocolate or any form of sustenance –“

“Stephanie Carolyn Weir! Get out of the laundry room right now!”

“I’ve started digging a tunnel with my Macy’s gift card, but I don’t know if I will make it out alive. If anyone receives this tape, please send help. And more champagne.”

Oh, that was another fun part: I shot a cork all the way down the driveway and my Grandma let out this hilariously excited “EEEEEEEE!!!” Too cute.

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Christmas night I went over to Jen and Ron’s for their annual Christmas party. It’s hard to see all my out-of-towner friends in one week, but I can always count on seeing a few at their house every year. Conor is delightfully fun and gorgeous, as always. Laura is engaged (!!!) and I met her fiancé, Scotty Too Hotty. He seems as nice as Laura (who is the nicest), so that’s good. She was beaming and it was lovely to see.

I also spent some time with Ron’s Catholic school pals, who I actually used to hang out with back in the day. AND I finally met a bunch of cool kids who I have heard so much about over the years – they all moved before I started hanging out with that group of friends. They lived up to their reputations. And then of course, there were the friends I see all of the time but can never get enough of. I love that gang so, so much.

I didn’t have to walk to my car the next morning like last year, but Jen’s snickerdoodles have proven to be the ultimate hangover cure once again. All in all, Christmas was a success. New Years won’t be the same without the Jersey Boys, but I’ll be sure to make the most of it anyway. At least I don’t have to take Highway 40 to work. Haaaa.

Nobody Puts Baby Jesus In A Corner

I love Christmas at work. Today I received fancy soaps, lottery tickets, hot chocolate and too much candy to count. We had a potluck lunch, plus an ornament exchange and a white elephant thing. (I still treasure the “World’s Greatest Sister” coffee mug from 2005.) I avoided Santa Claus in the lobby, though. I had to hang out with him all day last year as the company photographer, and I’m still recovering from that hot mess.

I DID end up finding tiny little plants for my co-workers! I went to a nursery, durrr. I realized I would have to put them in something because they have roots sticking out of the bottom. I asked a friend to grab paper towels from the kitchen, and all she could find were styrofoam bowls:

The irony delights me. The plants are a big hit, although I will have to baby-sit a few of them while people go on vacation. I will have a very green office next week. I told everyone they have to name their plant after their favorite boy-bander (Howie, JC, Lance, Donnie, Jermaine, Bobbybrown, etc.).

Francis called me while I was on my way to pick up the plants. How lovely! He is super, super nice. It felt very appropriate talking to him in the nursery, surrounded by green leaves and flowers. My favorite Sludgies are the ones we collaborate on, and yesterday we wrote this one about the Grinch. Funny! I named my plant “Harold Buttleman”, after Francis’ movie.

Speaking of names, LOOK at what Josh sent to me at work today (and yes, it’s wood. And pink. With my name):

To Josh: I love you! This is hands-down the coolest gift I have ever received. Thank you thank you thank you. All my co-workers are jealous as hell, especially the company softball team. I think I will keep it in my office and bring it to my morning status meetings.

To everyone else: never, EVER let me stick my tongue in my cheek like that again. I look like a cross between that kid from Mask and Rumer Willis. So not fierce.

Oh, back to irony about the plants: right after I bought them, I went to Magic Market for a gyro. So what does my karma look like when I grow plants and murder lambies in the same hour? Did I break even, maybe? I hope so. Magic Market Gyros are delicious.

When I was growing up, my parents always put a nativity scene underneath the Christmas Tree. It was your average barn/manger thingy, but there was a loft in the corner with a tiny adorable ladder, which was meant to hold the tiny little lambies so they could look over Baby Jesus without giving him Hoof & Mouth Disease.

Well, when I little, the only thing I wanted in the entire world (besides a trip to China with Big Bird) was a bunk bed. I don’t know what is so exhilarating about sleeping 6 feet off of the ground, but even now I have a blast sitting on them and kicking my feet.

One night when I was arranging the nativity scene, I realized how much the loft looked like a bunk bed. I decided that since Baby Jesus is the coolest, he would appreciate sleeping in the coolest spot in the barn.

So every night, I would stick Baby Jesus in the loft in the corner, and every morning my parents would put him back in the middle and repeat, “You are NOT getting a bunk bed. Leave Jesus alone.”

I probably will never get a bunk bed. Or a trip to China. 😥 At least I still have this humungous marshmallow that my boss gave me:

Yes, I am holding it over my cutting board and those squares are inches. This marshmallow is bigger than my hand. I just want to shove this giant marshmallow in my face. Or squish it and see what happens. Or pat it until it looks like a big pancake. The possibilities are endless! Aaaggghh today rules!

Blind Date Update

Jessca sent me a text about halfway through.

“HOW IS IT GOING??” She capsed.

I didn’t check my phone until he was in the bathroom, so I only had time for this:

Later she asked, “DRUMMER OR ARIES???”

“Neither!!!” I wrote back.

Her immediate response: “OMG! KEEPER!! OMG!”

Bionic Ray

My very dear friend Ray was recently in a terrible car wreck. Thankfully he is alive and okay, but he broke both of his arms and had to get airlifted to a hospital. (Frank asked him if he called the pilot “Goose”, which is awesome.) Ray is incredibly resilient and more importantly, he’s hilarious. So he’ll be just fine.

However, this is Ray’s arm:

I want to state again for the record that Ray is a dear, dear friend and we go way back. And when Ray’s robot parts develop their own brain and begin taking over the world, I hope we can become friends, too.

So to Ray’s Arm, when it reads this in 2030: it’s nice to meet you and (excuse the pun) shake your hand.

Seriously Ray, you are amazing and we are all glad you’re okay. And seriously Ray’s Arm: Friend. FRRRRIEND.

Baby’s First Blind Date

… is tonight.

(help me)

Brothers Gotta Hug: The Petrelli Nuclear Man-Love Extravaganza

If you haven’t watched the Heroes finale yet and you want to be surprised, don’t read this entry. Yes, I just crossed the geek threshold. You can’t see this but I’m giving you a Vulcan salute.

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Other stuff first: for the third week in a row, someone I know is in Entertainment Weekly. This almost makes me wish I wanted to be famous, or at least more of a namedropper. Alas. Congratulations to all you dudes. I’ll give you a shoutout someday when I’m less likely to embarrass you.

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It’s times like these that I have to fill my life with funny, sexy things. And nothing in the world is as hot or hilarious than the Petrelli Brothers.

In case you don’t know, the Petrelli brothers are two of the main characters on Heroes. Nathan is a politician who can fly. He is smarmy and cocky, yet somehow reassuring. His little brother Peter is an Empath, meaning he absorbs the powers of those around him. This may also explain why he is so sensitive and bitchy.

I’d like to think I’m mature enough to not laugh at Hoyay. And obviously I don’t think incest is funny or interesting. (Anybody remember Chad and Whitney from Passions? I’m saying.)

However, every scene with the Petrelli brothers makes me and Jen collapse into a fit of giggles. Those two CANNOT keep their hands off of each other. I get that they’re Italian and passionate and whatever, but between the constant goo-goo eyes and the NONSTOP shoulder rubbing, it crosses a line or two. Peter seems codependent and Nathan comes off as a tad date-rapey.

Again, this wouldn’t normally be funny. Maybe it’s the intensity of Adrien Pasdar’s acting or Milo Ventimiglia’s bangs. Whatever it is, it’s freaking hysterical. They’re like Brad and Gwenyth. Please catch a rerun and watch for it.

Last season, Nathan and Peter saved the world with a mid-air Bro Hug. A Total Eclipse of the Heart. The Power of Love. See: blog title. It was so sweet. I love how Claire the Cheerleader looked completely mortified and grossed out by her father and uncle.

Unfortunately – and here comes the spoiler – Nathan got shot in the most recent episode. They’ve already brought like 4 people back to life, so I think Nathan is gone for good. I’m a bit appalled by how much this depressed me. The world NEEDS the Petrelli brothers, and more importantly, Peter needs Nathan. What’s he going to do now, find that lame girl from Ireland? YAWN.

I’d like to have a moment of silence for the Petrelli brothers. Mohinder and Matt may be all My Two Dads, but they are only half as funny and hot. R.I.P., Nathan Petrelli. R.I.P., steamy bro action. You will sorely be missed.

Kiss him! KISS HIM! AAAGGGHH!