If you’ve seen me in person, you’ve probably noticed that I have a chicken pox scar on my forehead, right above the space between my eyebrows. (If you’ve known me for a long time, then you probably stopped noticing and forgot that it’s there. I do, too.)
I got the chicken pox when I was three, and I had no patience for all of that itchy nonsense. Also: I looooove picking at things. My parents made me wear mittens for a day or two, and I remember pattering around the house and glaring in an attempt to maintain my dignity, like Stewie Griffin.
I had a relatively acne-free adolescence and it was a blessing in more ways than one. I see zits the way that you see bubble wrap. I get one zit a year and when it happens I’m so psyched. I think popping zits is the absolute funnest!
Whenever I get a new boyfriend (or even just a close guy friend), there comes a point in the relationship where I force him to do a Bioré pore strip. I have nothing against giant dirty man-pores. However, I know there is a 90% chance that he has never done a pore strip before.
Peeling off a pore strip is almost as fun as popping a zit, but if you do them too much, nothing comes out and it loses its luster. When a boy does a pore strip for the first time, it’s just the sickest, most awesome thing you’ve ever seen. Actually, I don’t like looking at the pore strips; I just love watching boys gasp in horror when they see what came out of their face.
I don’t like all things gross – just the little non-threatening things that make you feel cleaner as a result. And here’s why I’m confessing all of this: I want to try Kinoki Detox Foot Pads , but I’m not sure if it’s gross in a fun way or gross like reading a medical dictionary with pictures (which is horrifying).
If you haven’t seen the infomercial (and dropped everything you were doing to gape at the TV for 10 minutes, like me) Kinoki pads are soaked in bamboo vinegar and herbs. You put them on the bottom of your feet at night, and they’re supposed to suck all the toxins out of your body.
And the next morning? You peel off the foot pad and it’s all nasteded up with black toxic stuff. I would post a picture but it’s kind of groddy.
This also taps into my mild hypochondria – is this b.s. even safe? They make it sound like a pore strip, but it’s literally sucking toxins out of your internal organs. How is this a good idea?
And also, what if you’re totally overloaded with toxins and your foot can’t handle it? And then you wake up with a giant bloated foot full of toxicity? Is this going to yoink my ex-smoker lungs straight into my leg? This is the sort of crap that keeps me awake at night.
However, if Kinoki Detox Foot Pads work the way they promise, then I wouldn’t even have insomnia. It cures everything for $19.99! I’m so down!
I’m going to wait a while because I’m a sucker for infomercials and the novelty of this will hopefully wear off soon. I’m well aware that is probably a waste of money and just plain stupid.
But still – I desperately want to see what comes out of my foot! You know you do, too!