Under The Spell Of Romance

Pandy: Stephiieeeeee. Whatcha doing?

Stephie: I am on my way home from a cute boy’s house.

Pandy: *gasp* I am on MY way home from a cute boy’s house!

Stephie: We are total babes!

Pandy: I know! What are you doing when you get home?

Stephie: I’m going to get dinner, and then I want to go running but I already ran this morning.

Pandy: Let’s be lazy but not lazy.

Stephie: I feel like dancing.

Pandy: Like going out dancing? Who dances on a Sunday?

Stephie: Geeeez, Footloose. I don’t know. Somebody?

Pandy: So you want to go out? Because I would have to ask my new boyfriend.

Stephie: Yay! Hee.

Pandy: Hee.

Stephie: No, I don’t really feel like going out.

Pandy: Why come?

Stephie: I feel fat today.

Pandy: *sigh*

Stephie: WHA-AAT?

Pandy: Are you going to call me crying tomorrow? About like nothing?

Stephie: MAYBE.

Pandy: That was a fast March.

Stephie: I know. (beat) Want to come over and learn Thriller?

Pandy: No.

Stephie: COME ON!

Pandy: No.

Stephie: The rhythm is gonna get you, you know.

Pandy: I know. But no.

Stephie: Oooh you know what we can learn? Are you almost home?

Pandy: Yeah.

Stephie: I’ll send you a video.

Pandy: (whining) Is it Thriller?

Stephie: No. It’s this awesome thing I saw at the Polyphonic Spree. I will call you back when I get home.

Pandy: Are you at Magic Market?

Stephie: No.

Pandy: Where are you?

Stephie: Nowhere. I’ll call you back.

Pandy: Oooh, is it gross? Like Captain D’s? Where are you eating?

Stephie: I’LL NEVER TELL!

Pandy: I AM COMING OVER!

Stephie: NO!!

Pandy: I AM TURNING MY CAR AROUND TO LOOK IN YOUR TRASHCAN AND JUDGE YOU!

Stephie: I’M NEVER EATING AGAIN!!

Pandy: I AM TURNING MY CAR AROUND AGAIN TO BUY TOTINOS PIZZAS FOR US!!

Stephie: HOORAY!!!

And then we learned this for three hours:

Plus a little of this to celebrate being total babes:

Five Years and Counting

Happy belated Easter, guys and gals.

I don’t know how you kids celebrate the resurrection of Christ, but I like to crack open a 4-pack of tiny little wine bottles, bake up some tater tots and watch my official Easter movie, Coming to America.

A few years ago when I spent Easter at the Guilfoy’s, we were flipping through the channels and turned it on right during that awesome song at the beginning (“Sheeeeeee’s your Queeeeeeeeeeeen!”). I marveled out loud that it was my third year in a row to catch CTA on cable. I them immediately declared this a sign from the Easter Bunny (and/or God) and have rented it every year since. It gets more adorable each time, I swear.

In case you are wondering, my Thanksgiving movie (and an absolute fav from my childhood) is Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol.

I have not received a sign from the heavens regarding a Christmas movie, but Ron is pretty adamant that it should be Die Hard so I’m renting that this year.

My Other Car Is A Canoe

So, my “neck of the woods” was on the Today Show AGAIN yesterday. Don’t worry, it wasn’t for anything evil like kidnapping or mass murder (we save those for late winter, not early spring).

Nah, I’m right by that crazy flood that you’ve been seeing on the news. All the outlets are reporting from Fenton, which is where I work.

SIDENOTE: Why do they insist on sticking reporters directly IN the floodwaters, wearing waders and a parka, to report on how dangerous flooding can be? Should you really be standing in rushing water, let alone holding electrical objects? All us Midwest folk are shaking our heads and tsking at you.

I often brag about my 4-mile commute. I mean, it’s against traffic, away from the sun and one highway exit away. You would brag, too. The only thing that would make it better is if there was a pedestrian bridge across the river because then I could walk or ride my bike.

Well, if I had a 5-mile commute and used the next highway exit over, then last night I would have directly driven into this:

Yes, that is supposed to be a major intersection. Crazy stuff is happening close by, once again. We had a power failure at work on Thursday from the floodwater, and the Meremac River isn’t even supposed to crest until tonight.

Tonight I will be migrating east to ride out the disaster at a Mustache Party. Mustaches seem to bring out the hero in all dudes, so I imagine I will be safe. But I have to go running in a minute, so I might take Steve’s idea and wear one of those inflatable duck lifesavers around my waist.

Hey, it’s MUCH easier to run in floaties than the bulletproof vest I had to wear last month.

Stairway To Heaven

(Usually I forward the fun bookcase pictures to Miss 50 Books, but I had to borrow this one from her. Amazing.)

Hopefully this bookcase will provide me with some much-needed inspiration. I have been lost in New Boyfriendland. Not that he is my boyfriend – at least not yet, at least not in my mind. I’m still a tough cookie, mind you. But I’m exploring that territory, I suppose. Emotionally testing the waters. It’s been a while.

I am much more creative when I am heartbroken and miserable or when I am floating around, freewheeling and unattached. I write to channel my energy. I write for distraction. I write to reflect and figure things out. I write to make people smile. Honestly, I started this whole blog to make my ex-boyfriend jealous and win him back (and I’m only admitting this because it totally worked – he called me and gushed, “I read the whole thing.”). After he faded away, I kept this up because I had nowhere else to spill my guts.

But now I am distracted. I’ve been spilling my guts to this new dude, daily. And somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention, that’s where I started channeling all of my energy. Don’t get me wrong, I have been dating. And I’ve liked everyone. They are all amazing and they are still great friends. But this feels different and it freaks me out.

I have spent so much time learning how to NOT be in a relationship and justifying why I don’t HAVE to be in one that I’m absolutely disgusted by the way I’ve been acting and feeling lately. I’ve been blogging for three years about how annoying couples are, how pathetic and codependant women can be, and how great it is to be independent and do whatever I want.

And now… all I want to do is bake him cookies.

And I HAVE baked him cookies. AND I made him a mixtape. I mean, are you barfing with me? I am barfing about this.

Sure, I did those things for Davy too, but he was on a book tour. He NEEDED the food and the music. This time around, I just DESPERATELY NEEDED to bake. I NEEDED to make presents. This was UNCALLED FOR. I just COULDN’T STOP MYSELF. This appalls me on so many levels.

I called Jen last night, completely distressed.

“Jen, I’m being one of those stupid girls! My life is like revolving around this dude! I am such a pathetic loser! What the hell is wrong with me?”

Jen said that even though you can be completely aware of stupid girl behavior, you just can’t help it sometimes. And it’s okay. It just happens. And she assured me that I will get through this.

(I love Jen.)

I suppose this is good news either way: I am totally digging this dude, and he is cute and tall and sweet and most importantly, we crack each other up. I could talk to him forever. He’s awesome and I am smitten.

HOWEVER if it doesn’t work out, then YOU will get 400 more blog entries about basically everything. And I will get 50 more hobbies to distract myself, 200 more awesome friends, and everything else great that’s happened to me over the past few years.

I am weak. I am smiling. I’m pathetic. I’m swooning. I am ridiculous. I am terrified. I am content. I… I…

… I have to go. OMG. He’s calling.

Two Can Play At This Game

TSGoC: So here is my big news: I’m moving to Mali.

Stephie: Maui?

TSGoC: Mali. Like Mali, Africa.

Stephie: Wow. That IS big news. That is HUGE news.

TSGoC: Yeah, I’ve never been there and I’ve always wanted to see it, and I just figure this is the right time to go. Plus, I just think it will be cool to be in a place that’s absolutely foreign to me, that I know nothing about.

Stephie: Those are the places where you learn the most about yourself.

TSGoC: Yeah, like stripping away all of the bs in my life and all my problems and everything I’m used to…

Stephie: And getting right to the core of who you are.

TSGoC: Precisely.

Stephie: That’s so incredible. You never stop blowing my mind. Way to go, man.

TSGoC: Thanks. Hey, you sound different! Like you have more confidence or clarity or something.

Stephie: Really? Thank you

TSGoC: It’s just something in your voice. It’s great. I’m digging it. So what’s new with you? What have you been up to?

Stephie: Well, I moved from one side of my office building to the other. And now everything that was on my left side is now on my right side. So, I can completely relate to what you’re going through.

TSGoC: Oh, for sure.

Regarding Drugs

YOU ARE SO MUCH COOLER AND FUN WITHOUT THEM.

Here is a big secret: you are much happier without them, too.

What I mean is, drugs make a lot of things seem okay. You use them to escape from your crappy job, your stress and problems, your ugly surroundings or your boring relationship. You use them to make the party more fun. You use them because you are bored. You use them because you are lonely, or to fit in with your friends. You use them to expand your mind. Sometimes you use them out of habit because they are there. Sometimes you use them because you think you need them because you are an addict. Whatever the reason, you use them to feel happier.

Unhappiness is a motivator and, whether you like it or not, a gift. You need to use it as a tool – it will help you guide your life into directions that will make you happier. If you mask your unhappiness with drugs, you become okay with all of those aspects of your life that you could easily change, like a bad job, lonliness, debt or a crappy apartment. You just keep masking it and need more drugs, and then you burn out.

I know that this entry makes me sound judgemental, boring and possibly hypocritical. I mask my unhappiness with cigarettes, I make the party more fun with beer, and I take sleeping pills to sleep which probably means that I’m masking my stress or anxiety. But there are alternatives that I’m trying. I run instead of smoking. I go to weird events instead of bars. I still take more sleeping pills than I should, but I’m getting there. The point is even though I have my vices, I understand that there are positive alternatives, and if I have an ounce of extra strength in me then I give those alternatives a whirl. More often than not, it’s rewarding.

I have many, many circles of friends and one reason I don’t stick to a core group anymore is because I have lost a lot of friends to drugs. They infect circles and that’s when I have to bail. Nothing breaks my heart more than when cool, fun people I love fry their brains and turn into shells or shadows of the amazing people they used to be. Nothing makes me roll my eyes more than people who complain about being broke as they dig through the gigantic bags of dope that they just bought. Nothing is more frustrating than people staring blankly at whatever, too incapacitated to talk or understand what I am talking about. There may be a party going on inside of your head, but from an outsider’s perspective it is seriously lame. Look around! NO ONE IS SMILING ANYMORE, including you.

IT HONESTLY NEVER GETS OLD – Act One, Scene 1

INT. THE NORTFORT – POKER TABLE – MIDNIGHT

STEPHIE rolls the dice. PAT, CATE and TONY examine the Trivial Pursuit board.
STEPHIE gets distracted petting John Black the chihuahua.

PAT
(counting spaces each way)
Okay…yellow or brown?

TONY
That’s what she said.

Putting My Best Face Forward

“I’m thinking of trying this Au Naturale look.”

“Are you… are you sure you have the skin for that?”

– Lois and Brian, Family Guy

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s getting ready in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy basic hygiene things like brushing my teeth and flossing. And nothing is more relaxing than zoning out in the shower.

It’s the rest of the stuff that gets to me. It’s the same crap every day – all these little steps that take up 10-60 minutes of my morning, depending on whether I work out or not.

I get SO bored when I’m getting ready. I listen to the TV while I’m putting on make-up and I read or play Sodoku while blow-drying my hair. I’ve gone through this routine thousands of times and it’s become basically excruciating.

I think that if I didn’t have other things do and I only focused on the task at hand, I would get completely depressed. Because it’s actually pretty degrading and sad when you think about it. I have to go through this ritual every morning in order to feel “presentable”. I have to cover up what I actually look like in order to not feel completely butt.

I have to make my face look clearer and my cheeks pinker. I have to make my eyes bigger and my lashes longer. I have to make my lips shinier, teeth whiter, my skin darker and my hair straighter/curlier/fuller/etc.

This is nothing compared to what I go through when I work out, although I will admit that running brings me more joy than anything. But with cardio comes circuit training, and that’s where all the problems come back. I have to make my abs tighter, my butt perkier, my chest smaller and my arms toned…er. Planning a workout can be quite a bummer. Do I want to work on my hamstrings today? My triceps? Glutes? Gut? Which part of me sucks the most today?

I have to hide the fact that my fingernails are basically the greatest tool to open or pick at things and I use them daily. I have make my feet look like I don’t run three miles or more at a time. I have to pretend that I’ve sleep 8 hours a night when the truth is I’ve slept 4 or less.

Fun Fact: girls have pit hair. It’s true! I might even have a bit on my legs. It’s to shield me from cold weather, so it grows back instantly when I get goosebumps from stepping out of the shower. But I have to pretend that doesn’t happen, ever. How dare my body protect me in the winter! Doesn’t it know I’m wearing a skirt tonight?

I have to hide the fact that I’m not 20, because I only feel good about myself when I’m getting carded. Anti-aging creams. Anti-aging masks. Anti-aging everything. You too can fight aging at age 27.* Crow’s feet especially, because nothing is worse than visible proof that you’ve been smiling all of your life. (Don’t worry, there’s poison you can inject into your forehead to kill any evidence of emoting.)

How am I supposed to wake up ready to face the world when I start out each day by putting on my face? And who taught me to hide myself under all this gook in the first place? How did I get here? How bad is this going to get?

*If you know any old ladies and see them regularly, tell her that she looks pretty today. I have the feeling old ladies don’t hear the word “pretty” very often and that makes me very sad.

Regarding Love

At least once in your life, you will meet a person that you “can’t live without”.

Here is a big secret: you actually can.

That is the big reason people get so miserable and pathetic after a break-up; they forget how to function without that other person. DON’T FORGET TO DO THINGS BY YOURSELVES, PEOPLE. Pay attention to what makes you happy. Not them. You. Try a new food and don’t tell them about it. Go to the theater by yourself and watch that movie they refused to see. Get a hobby – a real one, not the kind where you just make them presents.

Most of you know this already. Here is the test: count how many times you said “we” today. You’re automatically tagged if you say “we” instead of “me” often and unnecissarily.

I am absolutely not in love right now, but I am starting to be very in like. And ALREADY people are asking me where he is, what “we” are doing tonight, can I pass along a message, etc. etc. It’s a dramatic, collective shift in behavior that is happening way too soon and people need to cool it.

My roommate is the absolute worst about this, in a cute way: “Where is he? Where are you guys going? What did you guys do? How is that whole thing? Is he your boyfriend??”

Today I finally had enough and hollered, “Jason, get out of my vagina! Seriously!”

Lost In Plantasia

Back in the southwest corner of my apartment lies a special place that I like to visit often. There are books and beanbags, so it’s peaceful and cozy. It has a window on each side, so on gorgeous days like today, it’s the breeziest. Even in the winter, it’s sunny and bright. But most importantly, it’s magical.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to PLANTASIA.

I don’t know when I became actively interested in botany… maybe somewhere in between the cactus from grandma and the pepper plant. I do know that I adore the rainforest that Nick and Jessica are growing in their dining room, and I aspire to have a room just like theirs someday. I do not know much about plants – most importantly, their names. I have no idea what I am growing in my apartment.

So, to make things easier, I’ve renamed all of the residents of Plantasia… after characters from the best show ever, Lost. Shall we begin?

HURLEY

This “dude” is the most relaxed plant of the bunch. I don’t have to take care of him too much – he just sits there and hangs. I like the vibe that he gives Plantasia. He makes it better just by being there, and everyone who meets him loves him.

KATE

Pink and flowery, she is certainly the prettiest. However, she is tougher than she seems at first glance. She’s also a total pain in the ass.

SAWYER

This plant is pretty good looking… and boy, does he know it. He just struts around Plantasia like a big peacock and tries to make the other plants feel bad about themselves. He’s very colorful with his language. He also insisted on living in the biggest flowerpot even though other plants could use the space. What a jerk.

MISTER EKO

Mysterious and spiritual, this plant once lived on the other side of Plantasia (the kitchen windowsill, in a yogurt cup terrarium). The other plants know that he is a force to be reckoned with. There’s another reason why he is “Mister Eko”, but I will get to that later. (Spoiler alert!)

LOCKE

I don’t know if you can see those middle leaves, but either way you should be concerned. Something is EATING AWAY at poor Locke and we don’t know what it is. What is Locke’s problem? Why is he so cranky? It scares me to think about what’s really happening in Locke’s head.

HOT DEAD BOONE

Speaking of creepy Locke, do you guys remember Boone? So beautiful. So gorgeous. One of the original inhabitants of Plantasia. Loved by all. So, so hot. And now: dead. Bummer.

JACK

This plant is sooooo complex, I don’t even know where to begin. He is the biggest plant in Plantasia. He grows peppers and is therefore the most productive and useful. He is the son of a doctor – yes, he was sprouted from Jen and Ron’s plant, “Dr. Pepper”, which was begat by Katie and Joe’s plant. He is related to other sprouts that he doesn’t know about. Impressive lineage. He has a mild fertilizer addiction. Also, he is the biggest bitch to take care of, seriously.

Jack may be difficult, but I am SO PSYCHED about these peppers. They are all purple now, but some will eventually turn red and yellow. If I’m ever at risk of starving to death in Plantasia, I know Jack will take care of me.

And oh yes, there is one more resident of Plantasia that we don’t like to talk about:

THE MONSTER

Elusive and intriguing. You don’t want to mess with this freak, whatever it is. It just shows up out of nowhere, mostly when it is cold outside and my roommate (“Ben”) lets him in. It’s a dangerous creature, and if you don’t believe me just ask Mister Eko. That’s right, this a-hole ate my bonsai tree yesterday.

Sayid and Rousseau live there too; they are just hiding in the bookcase. Watch out for booby traps.

(WHOMP)