Stairway To Heaven

(Usually I forward the fun bookcase pictures to Miss 50 Books, but I had to borrow this one from her. Amazing.)

Hopefully this bookcase will provide me with some much-needed inspiration. I have been lost in New Boyfriendland. Not that he is my boyfriend – at least not yet, at least not in my mind. I’m still a tough cookie, mind you. But I’m exploring that territory, I suppose. Emotionally testing the waters. It’s been a while.

I am much more creative when I am heartbroken and miserable or when I am floating around, freewheeling and unattached. I write to channel my energy. I write for distraction. I write to reflect and figure things out. I write to make people smile. Honestly, I started this whole blog to make my ex-boyfriend jealous and win him back (and I’m only admitting this because it totally worked – he called me and gushed, “I read the whole thing.”). After he faded away, I kept this up because I had nowhere else to spill my guts.

But now I am distracted. I’ve been spilling my guts to this new dude, daily. And somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention, that’s where I started channeling all of my energy. Don’t get me wrong, I have been dating. And I’ve liked everyone. They are all amazing and they are still great friends. But this feels different and it freaks me out.

I have spent so much time learning how to NOT be in a relationship and justifying why I don’t HAVE to be in one that I’m absolutely disgusted by the way I’ve been acting and feeling lately. I’ve been blogging for three years about how annoying couples are, how pathetic and codependant women can be, and how great it is to be independent and do whatever I want.

And now… all I want to do is bake him cookies.

And I HAVE baked him cookies. AND I made him a mixtape. I mean, are you barfing with me? I am barfing about this.

Sure, I did those things for Davy too, but he was on a book tour. He NEEDED the food and the music. This time around, I just DESPERATELY NEEDED to bake. I NEEDED to make presents. This was UNCALLED FOR. I just COULDN’T STOP MYSELF. This appalls me on so many levels.

I called Jen last night, completely distressed.

“Jen, I’m being one of those stupid girls! My life is like revolving around this dude! I am such a pathetic loser! What the hell is wrong with me?”

Jen said that even though you can be completely aware of stupid girl behavior, you just can’t help it sometimes. And it’s okay. It just happens. And she assured me that I will get through this.

(I love Jen.)

I suppose this is good news either way: I am totally digging this dude, and he is cute and tall and sweet and most importantly, we crack each other up. I could talk to him forever. He’s awesome and I am smitten.

HOWEVER if it doesn’t work out, then YOU will get 400 more blog entries about basically everything. And I will get 50 more hobbies to distract myself, 200 more awesome friends, and everything else great that’s happened to me over the past few years.

I am weak. I am smiling. I’m pathetic. I’m swooning. I am ridiculous. I am terrified. I am content. I… I…

… I have to go. OMG. He’s calling.