Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

So, my dad’s triple bypass is scheduled for July 8th. My aunt is coming to town and my brother might come, too.

I am scared sh*tless.

Case in point: I took 2 sleeping pills at 10 and now it’s 2 and I’m still awake and all my night-owl friends are nowhere to be found. Or they don’t give a hoot. Get it? Ugh. So sleepy, so lame.

The surgery is scheduled for 6 in the morning, so I am already worried about how I can get a good night’s sleep the night before. I’ll probably have to stay up all night on Saturday night and crash at like 5 on Sunday to have a good circadium rhythm for Monday. Insomnia can get complicated. I actually developed insomnia the first time my dad got sick, back when i was a kid. So during situations like this, my insomnia is at its worst.

Usually I would get get Ambien or rock out with a sleeping pill cocktail, but I vowed to never take Ambien again and I meant it, and the last thing my family needs is me taking one-too-many of something and either not waking up on time or not waking up at all.

The last time he was this sick, I called my ex-boyfriend all of the time and stayed on the phone for hours just freaking out. I did this so much that when we broke up, I didn’t know how to cope with things on my own at all.

I had to develop all my coping skills from scratch and I’m determined to never lose them again. So I haven’t really freaked out about this around Pat or my friends (aside from Jen, who is amazing as always), even though I have never been this worried or sleepless or terrified in my life. I’m trying very hard to hold it together, because my mom is always the one who holds it together. This time around, I want her to be able to lean on me.

This week: work 12 hour days, sleep 4 hour nights, go on daily 1 hour runs and party hard on the 4th. Hopefully that will wear me out. Ha! We’ll see.

Oh, and the turtle crossed the road because I ditched my friends for Pat the other day and I felt like a jerk because that was my biggest pet peeve when people did that to me. During my run yesterday I helped a turtle cross the road to balance out my karma but I still feel like an a-hole. I’m sorry friends. I am admonishing myself.

My Super Sweet Summer

This weekend I went to Circus Flora with my mom. It was awesome, awesome, awesome. I have always been fascinated by circus families like The Flying Wallendas and Old Worldish clowns like Nino. I love him because he is the way clowns should be: funny, talented and most importantly, not completely f*cking terrifying.

Case in point – this guy:

Before the circus started I was having a great time at the pre-party. I entered a hula hooping contest, and then I embarrassed my mom by doing the electric slide with a juggler and a guy on stilts.

Well then, I was just kicking back and enjoying an ice cream sandwich, when my mom and her friends started laughing. I turned around and saw this:

Yup, that’s the same mime that stalked Jen and I at the Voltron party (it’s at the very end of this entry). I tried to play it off (“Oh, hey dude. Long time no see. You grew a mustache? That’s cool.”), but he kept making that face at me. Eventually my survival instincts kicked in and I did what anyone else would do in my situation: I threw my mom at him.

~~~*~~~

My best friends are all floating this weekend (a biblical fload can’t stop the party), so I thought I would be bored but it’s been cool. I went to a party for Sara and Dave at Jaime and Adam’s house, and that was really fun. Their daughter is super hilarious and adorable and she has the coolest basement full of toys; I wish Jaime and Adam would adopt me.

Saturday night was a flashlight dance party that I can’t even begin to describe. Okay, I’ll try. It was less like a rave and more like a Drama Club slumber party – lame wine coolers and cheetos included. My KC friends are special brand of bitchin’ that I can’t really put into words. Pandy and I did the Pet Shop Dance and brought the house down.

OMG OMG I forgot to tell you guys, I am now official Myspace friends with my true love Cloud. He is dreamy squared.

The rest of the weekend, I stay up in the apartment just working on my fitness. Jason’s my witness. My coworker loaned me his Wii Fit and it is CRAAAAAAZY. It’s like my Nike Plus – straight out of the future! I love it! I have been dominating the yoga categories and balance games, but Jason is kicking my ass at strength training. It’s so much fun; I need to get one asap.

~~~*~~~

They found a vein for my dad’s surgery – lots of veins in fact, which is good because he will need more vein transplants in the future. That’s one reason why they want to get his heart in a better condition for the future. It’s a risky surgery for someone like him, but the doctors all seem confident. Most importantly, my dad is not scared at all. So please send prayers if you pray, and I will let you know how that is going.

~~~*~~~

I walked over to the park this morning and read Camp Camp in it’s entirety, and that officially kicked off summer for me. Last summer was without a doubt the best summer of my life, but I plan on outdoing myself this year.

And I have to say, wearing neon pink shorts and a neon green t-shirt, eating a bomb pop from the ice cream truck and reading a book about summer camp next to a creek was just as sweet as riding my bike to 7-11 for candy last year. Possibly more so. Summer kicks ass.

You Could Surely Try To Be More Alive

So, cool things have been happening, aside from the whole dad’s triple bypass thing. (They still haven’t found a vein, but I will keep you posted.) Honestly I don’t know how much of this entry will be anecdotal or relevant or interesting to read; it’s more for me today. Things might get rough soon, so I need to remember how great life actually is at the moment.

~~~*~~~

Last Sunday, Janet and I went to Mates of State! It was at the Bluebird, which is a cute venue aside from the fact that (a) the stage is too low and (b) there is ZERO AIR CIRCULATION. That was NOT FUN on a 95-degree day, especially when you planned on dancing through the whole show.

The opening bands were cool, especially Gentleman Auction House. I recognized a few members from college. They had two of my favorite ingredients – two drummers and lots of happy shouting. I LOOOOVE bands that have too many people to fit onstage. They were seriously great and I plan on catching them again someday.

I don’t remember the second band because this is when it started to get really hot and everyone was like, “Oh crap, another band.” I wandered out of the crowd for a while and bumped into Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship by the bar. He got a well-deserved high five from me. I never wrote about his show because he is much better when you have no idea what to expect. Seriously, go see him.

So Mates of State were amazing – I had always wondered how if they could pull off that sound live, but they sounded exactly the same. And just as I expected, they made goo goo eyes onstage through most of the show, or at least Jason Hammel did. He also teased his wife for having pit stains from all of the heat. Somehow: still cute. Even though there were a bunch of tall people in front of us, I managed to have a good view of at least one of their faces at all times. They played all of my favs except for “Open Book” and all of the songs were perfect.

About 2/3 through the show it just got too crowded up front and I almost got smushed, so I joined Janet in the back. I was bummed about it at first but then! When the show was over they walked offstage and WALKED RIGHT BY US! Jason Hammel is taller than Pat and he SMILED AT ME AND WE FIST BUMPED. Then I HIGH FIVED KORI GARDNER! Later she moseyed through the crowd and Janet made my year when she pulled a camera out of her purse:

OMG OMG OMG that was so awesome. Big ups to Janet, and big ups to the guy who couldn’t figure out her camera, because we got to talk to Kori for a minute.

So now I have seen 4 out my 5 favorite living bands: Beastie Boys, Mates of State, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Polyphonic Spree. That just leaves Gogol Bordello. Who wants to go bananas with me?

~~~*~~~

On Tuesday, they had the screening for Groups 1 & 2 of the 48-Hour Film Festival. I’ve never been to one of these screenings before and I was super impressed by what people managed to create in such a short amount of time. Overall it was just such a positive atmosphere, like a graduation or something.

The majority of my team (Porkchop Express!) had never even seen the film which also added to the excitement. Katie and Joe did an amazing job with the drawing, animation and editing. It was crazy hearing our voices onscreen at my favorite theater and being surrounded by an audience laughing at our jokes.

~~~*~~~

Uuuummm… Friday night I went out to dinner with Jen, Ron and Pat and went to my first Dub Kitchen show. These guys play poker with my friends, and they also perform at this event called The Spot that Ron throws every year at the only place I like to camp.

I thought we were going to see a movie (and again, I dated a hippy for two years which resulted in little-to-no tolerance for reggae) so I was kind of a turd about it but I’m glad I went, if only to see the Venice Cafe. Holy crap! It’s like the City Museum and Blueberry Hill had a baby. Definitely one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen*. The floors and walls were covered in mosaics and kitsch – my home planet for sure.

Dub Kitchen was pretty great and everyone I met seemed really nice. Maybe I will go to The Spot this year. The bigger it gets the more it weirds me out and makes me uncomfortable. Pat and his roommate seem hell-bent on doing security (“The Bash Brothers”, natch) so at least I would be safe. We’ll see.

~~~*~~~

Sunday was the busiest day I’ve had in a while. I met baby Ryan for the first time and he is PRECIOUS. He’s six weeks old, which I think is the tiniest a baby can be without being all fragile and scary to hold. Baby Ryan’s dad is Peter, who was my very first boyfriend a million years ago. CRAZY. It was heartwarming and amazing to see Peter as a dad, and I’m glad I got to give him a hug on Father’s Day.

Also? I saw Thoroughly Modern Millie with my grandma which was 8 million times darker than I thought it was going to be. We saw it at Stages and my Grandma was grossed out by how many old people were there.

“I could never live at one of those places… you know, where the old people go?” she told me. “I could never be around that many old people. I hate looking at them and I never want to be one.” THEN she told me she has the hots for Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Then I went deaf from weirdness and stopped listening to her.

All in all, good stuff. I’ll try to keep it up.

*Janternet! I told my friends that you had your wedding reception there and everyone thought that was the absolute coooooolest. And, it is.

Total Attack of the Heart

My mom has this habit of saying one word when she means another. It gets pretty bad when she has a lot on her mind. Like, she’ll ask me to pass the pepper when she means the salt. Usually it’s not too bad and sort of cute, but yesterday it went a little too far.

When my dad had the blood clot in his leg last month, they did a heart catheterization to make sure it could pass through. They told us they found a lot of build-up so I should have seen this coming.

So yesterday morning, my mom calls me to tell me they were going to the hospital. “They’re doing tests to find a good vein.” (His veins are shrinking.)

“A vein for what?”

“For a heart transplant.”

“A transplant!?”

“Mmmm-hmmm. They say it will prolong his life.” ??????

I was AT WORK at the time, so I chugged about 4 mugs of chamomille tea and managed to keep my shit together, which I’m pretty proud of. Then I went home and called a few friends for life, like Liz and Ty. They cheered me up like pros but eventually had to get off the phone. All of my in-town friends were busy, so I just sat at home and thought about it and sniffled.

FINALLY I felt upbeat enough to call my dad without blubbering and making him feel worse.

SIDENOTE: My dad has this awesome way of delivering bad news – just straight up and matter of fact. “I ate lunch. Then the dog died. Then I got the mail. La la la.” When 9/11 happened, he was the first person I called from London because I knew he would just tell it straight. “Oh, there was this plane. Then another plane. Then I made bacon! Bloobie bloo.”

So I call him and he answers the phone all sweet and happy, and I asked him how he was doing.

“Well, my heart is kind of messy.” (I LOVE HIM.)

“Yeah… so you’re getting a transplant?”

“A what?”

“Mom said they want to do a transplant?”

“Oh, no no no. A triple bypass. I have three clogged veins.”

“WHAT THE FFFF-”

“Stephie.”

“-hell. What the hell. I’ve been sitting here all day thinking you needed a transplant.”

“Oh gosh, no. Just a triple bypass.” (JUST A TRIPLE BYPASS.) “If it was a transplant I’d be scared, but I’m not scared of this.” (I LOVE HIM.)

So… crisis averted, for now. I told him he could have some of my veins because they’re starting to stick out like Madonna’s and it’s gross. But he needs his own. I hope they find one.

~~~*~~~

ANYWAY I have more pressing matters at hand. I came home from work today and THE BIGGEST WASP I HAVE EVER SEEN FLEW RIGHT BY MY FACE and GRAZED MY NOSE.

I opened the door and frantically ran in place, whimpering and praying that he would fly out on his own.

It flew over to Plantasia and sat in my pepper plant, probably plotting his attack. I called Jason and screamed at him to get wasp spray like a pregnant woman in search of ice cream. “JUST BRING IT TO MEEEE!!!” Then I danced around the kitchen going “aaaahhhhh” for about 5 minutes.

And then: he flew onto the window. So I grabbed a big bowl and clamped it over him.

And then: I realized I had nothing to put underneath the bowl. I was stuck at the window with him. And he was pissed.

I tried to take a picture of him actual size, but he was curled up in rage. I swear to god he was an inch and a half. Measure my pinkie next time you see me:

The door was still open on the other side of the appartment, so I pathetically said, “Hellooooo?” I stomped on the floor for a while, hoping my nosy neighbor (whom I adore) would come upstairs to check on me. I debated waving at the people in the condos next door but decided that would be creepy.

I stood holding a bowl to the window for a good ten minutes before I noticed an old newspaper on the shelf. I picked it up with my toes and slipped in underneath (going “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” the whole time). After ANOTHER ten minutes, I managed to tighten the paper around the giant bowl with my tiny hands. Then with a shriek, I used the force of gravity to knock him into the back of the bowl and swoop it all to the floor.

I slipped a sturdy Rolling Stone underneath. Then I did a nervous raindance around the bowl, too scared to pick it up again. Finally I did, and I threw a rock on top.

Now he is outside, waiting for me:

Here is why Jason is awesome: he brought home wasp spray AND big beers AND Totinos pizza AND signed us up for cheaper cable.

Bypass Schmypass. How long do you think it takes a wasp to suffocate?

~~~*~~~

Completely unrelated – this is without a doubt the best email I have ever written:

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #5

I just received some truly terrifying news about my dad. Not about his leg – this time it’s his heart. There are only two ways this situation can go, and it’s hard to be hopeful when both options are equally scary. We won’t have an official prognosis until tomorrow, so I’ll have fun sleeping thinking about that tonight.

I actually do have fun things to tell you (including HIGH FIVING MATES OF STATE), so I figured I would just throw the bad news out there and then bury it with happier stuff. I wish I could do that in real life. It can’t hurt to try, I suppose. Anyway…

Today’s TA/OA Confession is in honor of my dad. He is super SUPER Republican. He stays at home all day because of his vision and he LOVES listening to Conservative talk radio.

He has a radio in the kitchen, the den and his bathroom. During lunch he turns them all on so he can listen to the radio wherever he is. Also? He is kind of deaf so they’re all turned up pretty high.

I lived in the basement through college and grad school, so if I was working on a paper, eating lunch or doing my laundry, my ears would be bombarded with Conservative talk radio the second I stepped upstairs. There is really no escaping it unless you have some Jimi Hendrix on-hand.

Eventually I learned to tune the radio out. It became white noise (even more than it already is, if you know what I mean). I stopped listening to what they were saying and just tolerated the tone of their voices. It blended in with the creaks in the floor, moans in the pipes and the smells in the air. Like the sound of the train I currently hear every day, it became something I connected with Being At Home. More importantly, that’s how I know my dad is there.

TA/OA Confession #7: I am comforted (and possibly even soothed) by the sound of Rush Limbaugh’s voice.

It’s A Helluva Day To Be At Sea, Sir!

I am watching Overboard right now and I am so into it. When I was little, I would drop everything if Overboard was on the TV and apparently that hasn’t changed one bit. Well, I don’t have a crush on the twin boys anymore, but I can see why I did in third grade.

Tonight is MATES OF STATE!!! It is at The Bluebird and there are probably still tickets, so you guys should all go too, if only to watch me completely spazz out. I’m going with Janet, Ann and Courtney (TPC REUNION!) and I am beyond excited.

This weekend is also the 48 HOUR FILM PROJECT. I had a few great opportunities to participate this year, but ultimately Katie and Joe stole me from Pancake Productions (sorry RØB) for their team. THEN, we were lucky to have Jen, Ron and Pat join in the fun, too.

The film will be animated, so Joe and Katie have probably been awake since we left, drawing and mixing audio and all that stuff that they are so amazing at. We had a lot of fun doing read-throughs and throwing out ideas for new lines. That is the stuff I live for.

K&J created a great plot, but honestly if it were up to me I would make the whole film about Ford doing cute stuff:

Pat did some singing, I was dubbed “One Take Steph”, Ron left to go to a rave (hee) for a bit but rocked, and Jen had a bunch of awesome ideas and did some great acting. Also, you won’t get to see this on film but her hair was ridiculously fierce. Holy crap Jen.

I will tell you more about it (and possibly post a YouTube version?) later this week. Click that hyperlink above for more info about Tuesday’s screening at The Tivoli. THANK YOU KATIE AND JOE; THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

I am so supersuper psyched about tonight. I may even go buy a new dress once I recover from mowing the lawn in 95 degree weather. If you like arts and crafts then this Mates of State video will make you shriek with delight and pass out:

Ugh. I can’t even handle how cute these guys are. I really should hate them, but they are basically perfect.

That’s The Kind Of Girl That I Am

This weekend is KICKING ASS, but here are some quick updates to older entries:

1. Pat warned me about some of the more “robust” green teas, but I didn’t listen. The Chinese Green Tips tea smells and tastes EXACTLY like I cooked up a box of frozen spinach in the microwave. Narsty. I plan on buying new flavors during 2-for-1 sales, so if I hate it I can just be like, “Here Pat, I bought this for you.”

2. I did not die during the tornado.

3. Two weeks after I pointed out that gay marriage will save the economy, someone in California did a news story about how gay marriage is saving the state economy.

4. Finally, Pandy and I had another video war, this time with early to mid-nineties hip hop. Basically, there had to be Cross Colors, little John Lennon sunglasses, ridiculous hats and condoms everywhere in order for it to count. I won when I found a video featuring my theme song since always (“Hat 2 Da Back”) with a cameo by Immature.

“Ooooh On The TLC Tip” was my first cassette tape ever and it CHANGED MY LIFE. TLC was the best girl group of all time. I had no idea what they were talking about in “Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg” when it first came out, but TELL ME how a 10 year-old could not love this (nsfw):

Sidenote: we were appalled by that Immature song “Da Munchies”. I remember being psyched that there were hip hop artists my age, but I DO NOT remember that somg being so weirdly innapropriate. Yikes.

Champs and Chumps VII: NOT Fox News

While my dad was in the hospital, my mom and I were forced to watch a lot of Fox News. The Bill O’Reilly/Hilary Clinton debate was especially awesome (for my dad, and no one else).

And you guys… did you know that Fox News has a “Champs and Chumps” segment??? How gross is that? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Is it because none of you watch Fox News??? Well, okay then. Just so we’re clear, I got this idea from working at Pizza Hut, which is 100 times cooler than watching Fox News. Moving on…

Champs

New Computer Monitor: It’s like an ice cold beer for my eyeballs. Aaahhhhhh….

Mates of State: Their new album is SUPER CUTE! And they are coming to town THIS SUNDAY!!!! I have an extra ticket! Anybody?

Lynda Barry: Because her new book, “What It Is,” is as amazing as I expected it to be, and she gave a kick-ass interview on Talk of the Nation today.

Pat: Pat managed to do something my mom and best friend have been trying to do for decades – turn me into a tea drinker. Chamomile tea completely chills me out and helps me fall asleep (which is why he made it for me in the first place). Green Tea is all right, though I have yet to see any miracles of modern science that you tea drinkers have been promising me. Oh, and he told me that Lynda Barry would be on Talk of the Nation.

Del Monte Cored Pineapple: Yum yum. People often ask how I lost 35 pounds last year. There were a lot of factors, but I would say that considering pineapple (and fruit in general) as a dessert revolutionized my life. Eating pineapple is like the best part of my day (unless of course I am eating ice cream for dinner).

The Kid Who Found the Plastic-Eating Microorganism: First of all, how smart is this kid? I am voting him for President. I don’t care if he’s Canadian! Now i don’t have to feel guilty about buying plastic tubs of pineapple twice a week (I’m sorry! I try to slice up real pineapple and I always hurt myself – it’s not worth the one cubic inch of fruit I manage to get out of it).

Pink Shorts: It’s Pink Shorts Season! Yaaaaaaay!

Drunk Voicemails: The older and more grown up you get, the less often this happens. However, this was always the best part about waking up in the morning – they are always hilarious, and it’s always so nice to know that people are thinking of you while you’re home being lame. Well, Courtney and the rest of the TPC gals made my day when I checked my voicemail on Sunday morning! I love the TPC! Heart!

Rob Durham: Fun guy Rob is one of the comedians I had the pleasure of hanging out with at open mic nights last year. And he just got engaged! Congratulations Rob!

Jeff/Cheeseburger Cake: My 2nd favorite co-worker Jeff got married this weekend (wooo!), and to celebrate his boss brought in the greatest cake I have ever seen. I plan on making one myself this summer, but check out this slice of Cheeseburger Cake. It changed my life I think. So awesome:

Lost: You guys, Lost is so super sweet. Aside from a disappointing (possible spoiler alert!) possible death of my favorite character, they answered a lot of questions about this season and MORE IMPORTANTLY we FINALLY know why there were freaking POLAR BEARS on the Island. That only took FOUR YEARS. THANK YOU.

The MTV Movie Awards: Surprisingly almost awesome! Here are my Top 5 favorite moments:

1. Dance off between Mike Myers and Chris Brown.
2. WAYNE’S WORLD! TOP TEN! PARTY ON! EXCELLENT!
3. Jason Bateman and Ellen Page almost kissing.
4. Robert Downey, Jr. snubbing the Pineapple Express boys.
5. The cast of Get Smart presenting an award:

The Rock: Do you need me to open that envelope for you, Steve?
Steve Carrell: Hold on, Dwayne, I can handle this!
Audience Member: That’s what she said!

See? It never gets old.

Chumps

Fox News: Why, Fox News? Why-yeeeeee?

Being Dead Inside: Creatively, professionally and socially. Dead. I have writer’s block, my job is kind of discouraging, and I really have no desire to leave my apartment right now. I would like to say that this is because of the hot weather, but more than likely it’s because I have a boy that I like. But booooo! I hate girls like that, right? Invite me out. Harass me until I agree. Call me drunk at 1am (THANK YOU FOR SERIOUS TPC). Also, tell me to write things that are not this stupid blog.

Crestwood Mall: Oh I’m sorry. Crestwood COURT. Because first they honestly tried to use the Chanel logo as their logo after Westfield sold the property. Jen described the new sign perfectly by saying, “You know how people take a trash bag with like, Santa Claus on it and put it over a bush in their yard? It looks like that.” They changed the logo about a week later, but now I’m mad because they are closing The Disney Store, which means my fun neighbors Sara and Dave are moving. I am sad about this! You guys can make me feel better by buying something from Pretty Fun Sara at the OLTA Art & Craft Fair this weekend.

Realizing How Grown-Up I Am: About 15 minutes into the MTV Movie Awards, Jason and I realized that all of the winners were voted by 15 year-old girls, so we threw out any reasonable predictions and called every winner correctly. “Johnny Depp!” “Step Up 2 The Streets!” “Johnny Depp again!” However, after realizing that 15 year old girls were probably the only ones WATCHING, I found every joke, drug reference and the mere presence of the Pussycat Dolls terribly inappropriate. I cringed at everything, with the full realization that when I was fifteen, I would have either gotten the joke or just not cared. Old old old. I am old.

Viral Pink Eye: Because people think it is bacterial pink eye WHICH IT IS NOT AND I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE IT and then you have to listen to people quote that entire scene from Knocked Up 200 times, puctuated by everyone’s gross theory as to how you actually contracted pink eye. Chris did give me one funny quip:

Chris: So what else are you doing to get rid of it?
Me: Well, right now I’m putting a teabag on my eye.
Chris: … But isn’t that how you got it in the first place?

And don’t worry guys, it is basically gone – right now I look like those people in 28 Weeks Later who carried the zombie virus but didn’t actually catch it – you know, with like that little dot on their eye? That’s all. VIRAL VIRAL YOU GUYS IT WAS VIRAL.

Raspberry Beret by Prince: After Will Smith’s “Miami”, this is my least favorite song of all time. And yet, several radio stations I listen to insist on putting this into regular rotation when I am not in the position to change the dial. The worst part is the intro kicks ass, so I get tricked into getting excited. EVERY TIME.