Champs and Chumps VII: NOT Fox News

While my dad was in the hospital, my mom and I were forced to watch a lot of Fox News. The Bill O’Reilly/Hilary Clinton debate was especially awesome (for my dad, and no one else).

And you guys… did you know that Fox News has a “Champs and Chumps” segment??? How gross is that? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Is it because none of you watch Fox News??? Well, okay then. Just so we’re clear, I got this idea from working at Pizza Hut, which is 100 times cooler than watching Fox News. Moving on…


New Computer Monitor: It’s like an ice cold beer for my eyeballs. Aaahhhhhh….

Mates of State: Their new album is SUPER CUTE! And they are coming to town THIS SUNDAY!!!! I have an extra ticket! Anybody?

Lynda Barry: Because her new book, “What It Is,” is as amazing as I expected it to be, and she gave a kick-ass interview on Talk of the Nation today.

Pat: Pat managed to do something my mom and best friend have been trying to do for decades – turn me into a tea drinker. Chamomile tea completely chills me out and helps me fall asleep (which is why he made it for me in the first place). Green Tea is all right, though I have yet to see any miracles of modern science that you tea drinkers have been promising me. Oh, and he told me that Lynda Barry would be on Talk of the Nation.

Del Monte Cored Pineapple: Yum yum. People often ask how I lost 35 pounds last year. There were a lot of factors, but I would say that considering pineapple (and fruit in general) as a dessert revolutionized my life. Eating pineapple is like the best part of my day (unless of course I am eating ice cream for dinner).

The Kid Who Found the Plastic-Eating Microorganism: First of all, how smart is this kid? I am voting him for President. I don’t care if he’s Canadian! Now i don’t have to feel guilty about buying plastic tubs of pineapple twice a week (I’m sorry! I try to slice up real pineapple and I always hurt myself – it’s not worth the one cubic inch of fruit I manage to get out of it).

Pink Shorts: It’s Pink Shorts Season! Yaaaaaaay!

Drunk Voicemails: The older and more grown up you get, the less often this happens. However, this was always the best part about waking up in the morning – they are always hilarious, and it’s always so nice to know that people are thinking of you while you’re home being lame. Well, Courtney and the rest of the TPC gals made my day when I checked my voicemail on Sunday morning! I love the TPC! Heart!

Rob Durham: Fun guy Rob is one of the comedians I had the pleasure of hanging out with at open mic nights last year. And he just got engaged! Congratulations Rob!

Jeff/Cheeseburger Cake: My 2nd favorite co-worker Jeff got married this weekend (wooo!), and to celebrate his boss brought in the greatest cake I have ever seen. I plan on making one myself this summer, but check out this slice of Cheeseburger Cake. It changed my life I think. So awesome:

Lost: You guys, Lost is so super sweet. Aside from a disappointing (possible spoiler alert!) possible death of my favorite character, they answered a lot of questions about this season and MORE IMPORTANTLY we FINALLY know why there were freaking POLAR BEARS on the Island. That only took FOUR YEARS. THANK YOU.

The MTV Movie Awards: Surprisingly almost awesome! Here are my Top 5 favorite moments:

1. Dance off between Mike Myers and Chris Brown.
3. Jason Bateman and Ellen Page almost kissing.
4. Robert Downey, Jr. snubbing the Pineapple Express boys.
5. The cast of Get Smart presenting an award:

The Rock: Do you need me to open that envelope for you, Steve?
Steve Carrell: Hold on, Dwayne, I can handle this!
Audience Member: That’s what she said!

See? It never gets old.


Fox News: Why, Fox News? Why-yeeeeee?

Being Dead Inside: Creatively, professionally and socially. Dead. I have writer’s block, my job is kind of discouraging, and I really have no desire to leave my apartment right now. I would like to say that this is because of the hot weather, but more than likely it’s because I have a boy that I like. But booooo! I hate girls like that, right? Invite me out. Harass me until I agree. Call me drunk at 1am (THANK YOU FOR SERIOUS TPC). Also, tell me to write things that are not this stupid blog.

Crestwood Mall: Oh I’m sorry. Crestwood COURT. Because first they honestly tried to use the Chanel logo as their logo after Westfield sold the property. Jen described the new sign perfectly by saying, “You know how people take a trash bag with like, Santa Claus on it and put it over a bush in their yard? It looks like that.” They changed the logo about a week later, but now I’m mad because they are closing The Disney Store, which means my fun neighbors Sara and Dave are moving. I am sad about this! You guys can make me feel better by buying something from Pretty Fun Sara at the OLTA Art & Craft Fair this weekend.

Realizing How Grown-Up I Am: About 15 minutes into the MTV Movie Awards, Jason and I realized that all of the winners were voted by 15 year-old girls, so we threw out any reasonable predictions and called every winner correctly. “Johnny Depp!” “Step Up 2 The Streets!” “Johnny Depp again!” However, after realizing that 15 year old girls were probably the only ones WATCHING, I found every joke, drug reference and the mere presence of the Pussycat Dolls terribly inappropriate. I cringed at everything, with the full realization that when I was fifteen, I would have either gotten the joke or just not cared. Old old old. I am old.

Viral Pink Eye: Because people think it is bacterial pink eye WHICH IT IS NOT AND I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE IT and then you have to listen to people quote that entire scene from Knocked Up 200 times, puctuated by everyone’s gross theory as to how you actually contracted pink eye. Chris did give me one funny quip:

Chris: So what else are you doing to get rid of it?
Me: Well, right now I’m putting a teabag on my eye.
Chris: … But isn’t that how you got it in the first place?

And don’t worry guys, it is basically gone – right now I look like those people in 28 Weeks Later who carried the zombie virus but didn’t actually catch it – you know, with like that little dot on their eye? That’s all. VIRAL VIRAL YOU GUYS IT WAS VIRAL.

Raspberry Beret by Prince: After Will Smith’s “Miami”, this is my least favorite song of all time. And yet, several radio stations I listen to insist on putting this into regular rotation when I am not in the position to change the dial. The worst part is the intro kicks ass, so I get tricked into getting excited. EVERY TIME.


Filed under Champs and Chumps

9 responses to “Champs and Chumps VII: NOT Fox News

  1. I don’t really extol the virtues of green tea very much, at least not publicly, but I do credit it, and almost exclusively it, with my loss of 25-30 pounds in the latter half of 2007. You have to drink a lot of it for it to really shine through on the miracle circuit, though.

    CHEESEBURGER CAKE! I saw one of those at Shop ‘n’ Save one time. To be kept in mind for next year’s birthday, most definitely.

    Being dead inside, barf. Heard ya on that one. I can blame it on this or that person or situation or thing all I want but that only makes it worse.

  2. Yeah man, that’s where he got it! I think it may be a special Memorial Day thing. It seems easy enough to make, though.

    We need to get together and cure this inner death. What is something awesome we can do???

  3. janternet

    I would take the MoS ticket if nobody you like better wants it! I like the new album too.

    I love green tea, but I had this stupidity issue where – seriously – I tried to buy it three times and every single time I bought like “Green Tea Chai” or “Green tea with orange essence” and “Mint Green Tea” on accident. All I wanted was the real thing, nothing else, but those tea boxes are blinding. I finally got it right on number four though, with the assistance of someone smarter than me.

    LOST did not disappoint. Yeah we kinda get the polar bears, but kinda not?

  4. Awesome! I am so excited for this show! I got a ticket for Pat but I think he is working.

    The polar bears were being trained to push that big wheel! Remember when Sawyer had to push that thing to get the fish biscuit? That’s why Charlotte found a polar bear in Tunisia, in the same spot where Ben landed after HE moved the wheel. They needed something big and strong that could handle super cold weather. So now I am confused about the wheel, but at least I can cross the bears off my list of questions. One down, 200 to go.

  5. The Captain

    Love the Champs and Chumps, almost too many to comment on. I too am a huge fan of drunken voicemails. I love getting them so much that I now try and leave several for other people to help spread the wealth

    Lost finale was appropriately awesome. My only complaint was that it felt a bit too forced, since we already know who made it off the island. We all knew Sawyer was gonna jump off the helicopter. Wicked glad they finally addressed the polar bears in a way that actually made sense. Still, nothing can beat last season’s finale. The last scene, where we realize it is a flash forward, is hand down the coolest thing ever on a finale. Waiting till next year for more Lost already sucks, and it’s only been five days.

    For some strange reason, I watched the movie awards for the first time in years. Nothing beats the horror/excitement that MTV can produce.

    That’s a bummer about Fox News. Does that mean you’ll be changing to The O’Shortcake Factor?

    I’ve noticed the writers block recently in your posts, but you’re still doing great. Don’t try and force it, bad things happen. Seeing friends is the only sure cure.

    I’m convinced that Raspberry Beret was actually not written by Prince, because it is so much different/crappier than his other songs. I think the record company made him write a radio song. On the other hand, Miami is so crappy that Will Smith must have written it.

  6. Yeah, like I said… there’s nothing dumber than a person trying to be clever. I meant I had a block in terms of other projects (this site isn’t really a priority, more of a journal-ish thing), but I haven’t written much here either because my life isn’t blog appropriate at the moment. And speaking of blocks, didn’t you blatantly steal my format? My ENTIRE format including the extras? Like, the whole shebang? Shush it. 🙂

    Also I got your email about the thing – nice input but I am super curious about the logo. What were they thinking?

    I HATED last season’s Lost finale because they showed him with a bunch of maps halfway through and that couldn’t mean anything else BUT a flash forward. Sure, he said his dad was alive but we knew by then that Christian’s existence/Jack’s addiction was sketchy business. Pair that with the beard and all the stuff with his ex and it was obvious from the start. I was pretty disappointed. However, it was shot beautifully, and even though I was expecting to see Jack and Kate together I was still psyched when it happened.

  7. Emily

    Wow… I can’t get past the plastic eating microbe kid. WOW. Makes me feel pretty low about my personal contributions to the planet. I think at 16, I was focused on learning how to parallel park. I certainly wasn’t growing life forms. Sigh.

  8. RØB

    I like bowling, it is to an extent how I’ve been coping with inner death, but I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Maybe we just need to start up the next TPC or whatever. Maybe making a movie this weekend will help. Maybe some changes at work recently implemented will help. Maybe my JEOPARDY! callback tomorrow will help. Maybe if I pray every night, you’ll come back to me. Maybe if I cry every day, you’ll come back to stay. Maybe maybe maybe.

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