John Mayer Impersonates Every Guy I’ve Ever Dated

Like I said. Brevity.

OMFG, I wish I had “John Mayer Sings” emoticons for all of my moods on Myspace.

Current Mood:

Not to be confused with:

Shoulder Rock

I really do like Robyn, but the following clip is so embarrassing to watch. And: absolutely hysterical.

I think a YouTube commenter put it best when she said, “Robyn reminds me of that random chick who hijacks your karaoke session just b/c you happen to be singing her ‘favorite song evaaa.'”

My mortal enemy, “embedding disabled” has struck again… click a couple times to go to the actual page.

(Thank you Mike for bringing this clip into my life.)

This video makes me wish I was Swedish, just hanging out and jamming with a bunch of other cool Swedish people. The drummer looks like TSGoC, who is Dutch like me. Close enough?

This video also reminds me how much you can rock out with just your shoulders. Lykke Li has awesome shoulder moves and I am stealing all of them. The official video has much more shoulder rock, but I’m not embedding that because it creeps me out. I’ll embed this clip of her and Kleerup instead. IT WILL CUTE YOUR SOCKS OFF:

She sings that like a Disney princess. Just like with Robyn, I’ve been rocking out to Lykke Li on Pig Radio for months now and I love her. I wish I could listen to Pig Radio in my car. While shoulder dancing. Swedishly.

AAAAAAAND Scene

I’m not sure how to describe how I’m feeling right now. Spent? I think I am spent. I’ve been on such a red alert for the past few weeks that I have no energy left to feel or care about anything.

There are so many opportunities floating around me right now – socially, professionally and hell, even romantically, and I don’t have the energy to reach for anything.* I have a nice batch of responsibilities in my basket and they are going well, but I filled it up so quickly and I’m having trouble doing anything else.

I don’t think I’m depressed again but I’ve been taking steps in case I am. I’m running more. Not drinking. Taking my vitamins. Seeking out the people who make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it.

However, during a delirious caffine high the other day, I promised to update you on stuff. So, here’s a list:

1. (I make lists when I’m feeling lazy.)

2. I bought the SHAM WOW and Jason and I are having a ball dumping water all over our apartment to test it out. It’s not as sweet as promised, but still pretty handy.

3. I promised Courtney I would finally do my Kinoki review, and that’ll be either this week or next.

4. I am still craving crab rangoon 24/7, though I am trying to not eat any crap this week.

5. I am researching area improv classes. Actually, I’ve been asking all my comedian pals, and they’re all pointing to the same class. So not really researching. Just waitng til the next session. I’m psyched because now Darren and I can IM about improv all day long.

6. I’ve discovered that MAN, I really hate people telling me what to do. Not like, bosses and authority figures. Just other people demanding shit. Can I get a please, please? I’ve found myself saying no even when I want to say yes, just because I’m irritated. Lame.

7. Gage is my new neighbor. This makes me extremely lucky, as Gage is an astoundingly great person. He constantly wows me with his heart. He’s the type of friend you want to have nearby, and now he is all the time so neener.

8. I’ve been listening to all the writer commentaries on Buffy, and they make me even more disappointed in myself when I write blogs with lists.

9. I just went outside to smoke and got hit on by my new teenage neighbor. I’m such a cougar!!!!!

10. This is my latest ghostwriting review, from the person I am ghosting: “You are so damn dope!” Amazing.

So… that about sums it up. Time for bed. Sorry I’ve been such a turd lately. I’ll snap out of this soon, hopefully. Either way, I’m sure the Kinoki will suck it out of me.

*Don’t worry. If I end up “back on the market”, I promise to do it with brevity.

I Just Discovered …

“Sugar Mountain” by Neil Young. Soooo pretty. How did that one sneak by me?

If I could play any song on the guitar, it would still be “Bold As Love” by Jimi Hendrix, but I would secondly like to learn “Sugar Mountain”, with much-happier lyrics written by yours truly.

I don’t really have anything else to tell you guys, I am very “…” today. I cleaned the sh*t out of my room and watched Season 4 of Buffy in it’s entirety. I have all the Buffies now and I’m just having a ball rediscovering all the fun plots and inside jokes. There’s even commentaries from one of my heroes, Jane Espenson. Good times.

Season 5’s brain-cancer-o-rama is actually less traumatizing to watch than I thought it would be. It’s weirdly comforting watching Buffy do the exact same shit that I’ve been doing this week – sitting in waiting rooms, dealing with her sister, blanking out while the doctor talks, etc.

Food of the Month: Crab Rangoon from Panda, which I had never been to until last week because I always thought it was a Panda Express. So different, so much yummier. They have a fish tank with little goldfish AND baby lobsters and it is mesmerising to watch while I am waiting for my food. And the food is always crab rangoon. I don’t look as gross as I’m probably making myself sound. It’s still better than last month’s food of the month which was, um, hot dogs. Don’t judge me.

I am shaking my head at this entry, but whatever. I will still post it.

QUESTION: What song would you like to play on the guitar? Or if you already play (or “wail”), what is your fav? And why?

Kids on the Beat – Beat Kids

So Dad’s surgery went well. The doctor (who was dreamy) told us about everything in detail, and while the vascular disease update wasn’t so pretty, they did everything necessary to his heart. The surgery was on Tuesday and all the family was there, plus a few of his friends.

He woke up yesterday… he’s groggy and sore but doing pretty damn well, all things considered. He’s not supposed to laugh – it hurts him a lot and he could literally bust a gut. My brother and I are at a loss because laughter is how we’ve always diffused these situations. We keep almost telling jokes to him and then punching each other before we get to the punchline.

Last night my mom called me from the hospital – her car wouldn’t start and I had to come pick them up. I hate that things are so hard for her and I hate that I can’t do anything about it.

~~~*~~~

I DID get a cool phone call on Tuesday… Mr. Davy Rothbart tapped me for a super fun writing gig. I get to be a ghostwriter! That was a bright spot in the week; I’m really honored that he asked me. After I hung up the phone, I kept making jazz hands in Pat’s face, singing “GHOST-WRITEEEERRRRRRRR!” in falsetto.

Not sure when I will start though. I am so, so, so tired.

Current Mood – this guy:

Stay Safe. Stay Second Amendment

NOTE: This entry starts out incredibly depressing, but my favorite funny thing that I always forget to tell you is at the end. This isn’t a complete sobfest. I promise.

So tomorrow is my Dad’s surgery. Ten hours away.

My dad demanded Ted Drewes tonight. Ted Drewes and Imo’s. It was cute to see him enjoying it, but so unbelievably morbid when you think about it. There has to be a German word for the range of emotions I experienced watching him eat that dinner. Ugh.

I haven’t cried in front of my family yet and I am determined not to do it. A few years ago I would have been on the phone all night crying to my boyfriend. I couldn’t go that route anymore even if I wanted to.* So here is how I have been coping:

My sister-in-law and I have not always had the best relationship. It has been going surprisingly well this week, but usually it causes me complete blind rage. This is the kind of crap that makes me run 8 miles at once. The kind that makes me violent. The kind I can’t even blog about, because I would get that much angrier if I saw it onscreen. So anyway. The next four facts describe our relationship perfectly:

1. I bought her The Office Season 2 for her birthday, because I don’t think anything has ever made me laugh more and I wanted to share that with her.

2. For MY birthday, she sent Employee of the Month, staring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, with zero percent irony.**

3. I actually sat through Employee of the Month, just to give it a chance and experience whatever “joy” she was trying to share with me. It is still on my movie shelf, albeit backwards so no one can read the title.

4. I just found out that she RETURNED The Office Season 2. She just straight up told me with zero remorse.

I don’t know if it’s my love for The Office? My love of, you know, funny things and life and all that is great? The flippant way she told me? But something about this made me so incredibly angry. Again: blind rage.

So now every time I am about to cry in front of my family and my eyes brim and the floodgates are about to open (and if you’ve ever seen me upset, then you know it’s basically Hurricane Katrina on my face) I think about her returning The Office, and me sitting through Employee of the Month, and how cute Jim and Pam are, and ME SITTING THROUGH EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, and my eyes dry up immediately. The mix of sadness and anger completely balances me out, to the point where I am completely normal.

So thank you. Thank you Dane Cook. Thank you Dax Sheppard. Thank you Jessica Simpson and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. Thank you for making a terrible movie that makes me the opposite of a cry-baby.

Man, I can’t even remember what it feels like to need someone the way I used to need my ex-boyfriend. I don’t remember what it feels like to love him or miss him the way I did, so intensely and for so long. In hindsight, he must not’ve cheered me up that quickly if I stayed on the phone crying for hours. But I do remember him comforting me and calming me down instantly. I don’t remember how, or why.

While I love being able to deal with things my own way and channel the negative (blind rage) into something good (no crying), it would be nice to have something that magical tonight. Just for a minute or two. Just to help me fall asleep. But at least I know how to get along without it.

This is in big part to all the support and prayers and stories that you guys have shared with me. You know who you are, and just know that it meant a lot to me when you said it and it means even more to me right now. Really, it means the world. Thank you.

(I am going to feel like such an asshole tomorrow when this all turns out okay.)

*Gentlemen, let this be a testament to how much I respect Monday Night Poker at the Nortfort. (But obviously, this is the type of detail I will bring up in an argument three years from now, if we are still dating, to demonstrate how amazing and saintly I am.)

(I call these details “Vagina Bucks”.)

**Her favorite Star Wars character of all time, hand to God, is Jar Jar Binks. This is so absurd that it circles all the way around to being lovable, somehow.

On A Lighter Note …

A couple of nights ago, Pat and I were watching TV at the Nortfort. We were flipping between “America’s Got Talent” and “Dateline: People Who Raise Monkeys as Children”.

When we flipped back to America’s Got Talent, they introduced this cute little boy named David. He was there to sing. They showed footage of him being supercute. “You Are Not Alone” by Michael Jackson started playing in the background. His mom talked about his autism. Then when the kid started talking, this happened:

Me: *gasp*

(Pat freezes)

Me: *cooing*

(Pat coughs and shifts uncomfortably)

Me: *gasp* aaaaaawwwwwwwwwohmygodohmygodawwwwww

Pat: Steph, I think I’m going to change the channel.

Me: What? Why?

Pat: You keep making those noises.

Me: Do you think I’ll make them LESS or MORE when you flip back to the monkeys dressed as babies?

Pat: …

Me: …

Pat: Wow. You’ve kind of got me there.

Me: See?

Pat: I’m actually stumped.

You will make that noise too (and possibly cry) when you watch the following clip.

And then – just like both of us – you will scream in horror when David Hasslehoff gives his vote. Watch him. WATCH THE HOFF. AGH.