NOTE: This entry starts out incredibly depressing, but my favorite funny thing that I always forget to tell you is at the end. This isn’t a complete sobfest. I promise.
So tomorrow is my Dad’s surgery. Ten hours away.
My dad demanded Ted Drewes tonight. Ted Drewes and Imo’s. It was cute to see him enjoying it, but so unbelievably morbid when you think about it. There has to be a German word for the range of emotions I experienced watching him eat that dinner. Ugh.
I haven’t cried in front of my family yet and I am determined not to do it. A few years ago I would have been on the phone all night crying to my boyfriend. I couldn’t go that route anymore even if I wanted to.* So here is how I have been coping:
My sister-in-law and I have not always had the best relationship. It has been going surprisingly well this week, but usually it causes me complete blind rage. This is the kind of crap that makes me run 8 miles at once. The kind that makes me violent. The kind I can’t even blog about, because I would get that much angrier if I saw it onscreen. So anyway. The next four facts describe our relationship perfectly:
1. I bought her The Office Season 2 for her birthday, because I don’t think anything has ever made me laugh more and I wanted to share that with her.
2. For MY birthday, she sent Employee of the Month, staring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, with zero percent irony.**
3. I actually sat through Employee of the Month, just to give it a chance and experience whatever “joy” she was trying to share with me. It is still on my movie shelf, albeit backwards so no one can read the title.
4. I just found out that she RETURNED The Office Season 2. She just straight up told me with zero remorse.
I don’t know if it’s my love for The Office? My love of, you know, funny things and life and all that is great? The flippant way she told me? But something about this made me so incredibly angry. Again: blind rage.
So now every time I am about to cry in front of my family and my eyes brim and the floodgates are about to open (and if you’ve ever seen me upset, then you know it’s basically Hurricane Katrina on my face) I think about her returning The Office, and me sitting through Employee of the Month, and how cute Jim and Pam are, and ME SITTING THROUGH EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, and my eyes dry up immediately. The mix of sadness and anger completely balances me out, to the point where I am completely normal.
So thank you. Thank you Dane Cook. Thank you Dax Sheppard. Thank you Jessica Simpson and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. Thank you for making a terrible movie that makes me the opposite of a cry-baby.
Man, I can’t even remember what it feels like to need someone the way I used to need my ex-boyfriend. I don’t remember what it feels like to love him or miss him the way I did, so intensely and for so long. In hindsight, he must not’ve cheered me up that quickly if I stayed on the phone crying for hours. But I do remember him comforting me and calming me down instantly. I don’t remember how, or why.
While I love being able to deal with things my own way and channel the negative (blind rage) into something good (no crying), it would be nice to have something that magical tonight. Just for a minute or two. Just to help me fall asleep. But at least I know how to get along without it.
This is in big part to all the support and prayers and stories that you guys have shared with me. You know who you are, and just know that it meant a lot to me when you said it and it means even more to me right now. Really, it means the world. Thank you.
(I am going to feel like such an asshole tomorrow when this all turns out okay.)
*Gentlemen, let this be a testament to how much I respect Monday Night Poker at the Nortfort. (But obviously, this is the type of detail I will bring up in an argument three years from now, if we are still dating, to demonstrate how amazing and saintly I am.)
(I call these details “Vagina Bucks”.)
**Her favorite Star Wars character of all time, hand to God, is Jar Jar Binks. This is so absurd that it circles all the way around to being lovable, somehow.