Man, I have been so down lately.
It’s too hot to run, I’m too broke to go out, and 99% of my friends are paired up and it’s just too depressing to be around.
My dad was back in the hospital last week. His heart started beating all crazy so my mom had to call 911 for an ambulance. He was there for a few days because they had to run a bunch of tests. During one test, they ran this tube all the way through him and shocked him repeatedly so his heart would beat normally again.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with this person who’s really down on life – not in a depressed way; I think it’s just a macho survivalist attitude.
It’s pretty hard to spend all day with someone who works and fights so incredibly hard to stay alive, and then go meet up with someone who treats life like it’s some kind of curse.
All my life, I’ve had to watch my Mom take care of my Dad. And in recent years, I’ve had to watch my brother and his wife go through the same thing. I think that’s why I’m so terrified of relationships. I don’t want to be the person that someone has to take care of, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to have someone depend on me.
Back in college, my friend Andy Hobin wrote a heart-wrenching play about a paralyzed woman and her fiance. At one point, she looks at him and says, “I wish it had been you.” Meaning, she hated watching him work so hard to take care of her. She knew that in a way, his life had become harder than hers. I completely lost it when I read that.
I feel guilty and worried about my family all of the time. It’s one reason why I’m always awake. I’m incredibly conscious of what they go through and the fact that I can’t fix it. I hate seeing people so sick. And I hate watching my Mom and brother experience so much stress and heartache… the type of pain that comes from being selfless.
Maybe that’s why I always end up with selfish people.
Maybe that’s why I always end up back here.