Maybe You Bite Me?

Man, I have been so down lately.

It’s too hot to run, I’m too broke to go out, and 99% of my friends are paired up and it’s just too depressing to be around.

My dad was back in the hospital last week. His heart started beating all crazy so my mom had to call 911 for an ambulance. He was there for a few days because they had to run a bunch of tests. During one test, they ran this tube all the way through him and shocked him repeatedly so his heart would beat normally again.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with this person who’s really down on life – not in a depressed way; I think it’s just a macho survivalist attitude.

It’s pretty hard to spend all day with someone who works and fights so incredibly hard to stay alive, and then go meet up with someone who treats life like it’s some kind of curse.

All my life, I’ve had to watch my Mom take care of my Dad. And in recent years, I’ve had to watch my brother and his wife go through the same thing. I think that’s why I’m so terrified of relationships. I don’t want to be the person that someone has to take care of, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to have someone depend on me.

Back in college, my friend Andy Hobin wrote a heart-wrenching play about a paralyzed woman and her fiance. At one point, she looks at him and says, “I wish it had been you.” Meaning, she hated watching him work so hard to take care of her. She knew that in a way, his life had become harder than hers. I completely lost it when I read that.

I feel guilty and worried about my family all of the time. It’s one reason why I’m always awake. I’m incredibly conscious of what they go through and the fact that I can’t fix it. I hate seeing people so sick. And I hate watching my Mom and brother experience so much stress and heartache… the type of pain that comes from being selfless.

Maybe that’s why I always end up with selfish people.

Maybe that’s why I always end up back here.


Filed under Love Stinks, Sam I Am

6 responses to “Maybe You Bite Me?

  1. RØB

    Wow, an entry about clowning in Belize and then this? Come on, Shortcake.

    Really though I am sorry, I think I visibly shuddered at that graphic description of the electro-shock test.

    Andy Hobin (who was in my Film I class) and I once appeared on the same episode of THE LYNDSEY BRACK SHOW, the episode of which I have, to this day, never seen, in spite of repeated attempts to get a tape copy, to which I was apparently entitled. I wouldn’t even know whom to ask about that anymore, but danged if I wouldn’t love a copy, still.

    I’m not paired up. Let’s rock any ol’ time. Are you coming to my party/show/barbecue on (all-day) Saturday? CUZ YOU’D BETTER.

  2. See, people visiting today can chase the sad one with the happy one. Who knows, I’m sure tomorrow I will be stupid happy about something.

    Lyndsey Brack ROCKS. You should Myspace her or Andy and ask them for a copy; I would love to see that.

    OOH I will definitely stop by; I am going to the Grace Basement show at the Duck Room that night so I will be in the area – email me le deets. And yes, let’s hang a bunch in general!

  3. RØB

    I thought I had E-Mailed DEETS already? I will try again. There’s even a MySpace event setup. It’s all day so there’s barely any reason not to stop by at some point, just to hang or wail or whatever. I did send the E-Mail to lots of people (BCC style), so maybe it went to yer junk-box.

    Recently it was made known to me that people might take my “come hang out with the Squids” messages and bulletins as indications that they might be asked to play. This is absolutely not the case, we just encourage people to come to the park and drink with us, and cheer us on, or heckle us, or operate our boombox, or picnic, or whatever. Even if we’re short some people, requests to play are only ever requests, and never demands or insistences. So there’s that. Someday people are gonna be like “Wow, I found this Squids softball jersey at Value Village.”

    Same goes for Squidbowl Wednesdays, as far as hanging and drinking and showing support or whatever.

    MySpace messaging Brackus is probably the way to go.

    Your secrets are safe with me!

  4. RØB

    Also, pretty sure I saw the play in question (about the paralyzed gal) performed, as starring Lizz Edele maybe? At SURFACING.

    I loved SURFACING.

  5. Yes yes, Surfacing was the best, especially plays by Andy and Lizz.

    Got the deets! Can’t wait! And I am so down for hanging with the Squids, just not outside in the summer. I am a fake, freon-filled air kinda gal.

  6. RØB

    Ugh, tell me about it. My car’s A/C is not functioning, but apparently there are problems-a-plenty to fix before I can even start in on that (which supposedly require the consultation/work of a Volvo specialist). I’m wondering if I might not be better just to cut my losses and use this car’s remaining life to help me find a new one, I’m just stupid enough about cars that I’d probably get sold a lemon.

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