I haven’t written on here all week because lately this blog has been sad. And the truth is, I’m still sad and I feel like anything I write will be sad.
But then last night, someone left me a nice comment a couple of entries down and I went to his blog and found an entry about me. How sweet is that? Thank you Daniel! Happy birthday and I like your stuff too! He must have stumbled across the archives cuz lord knows the main page has been a bummer. So just for him, I’ll try to kick this entry off with some happy stuff:
Thursday KEVIN appeared out of nowhere and it was an instant pick-me-up. He’s been in South Korea for a year (again) and I have missed that guy terribly. He’s about to start a whole new life once again and I couldn’t be happier for him. We hung out, ate gyros, and went on a covert mission to cheer up someone else. That was a good day.
Tuesday was also cool; I went over to Rachel’s for the first time in forever and hung out with her adorable daughter and her giant spazzy dogs. I used to go over to Rachel’s every day after school and it’s still such a comfortable familiar feeling, even with the new three year-old riding her big wheel over my toes.
I canceled my date with that paramedic… I just don’t feel like getting disappointed right now. But I reconnected with another old friend who happens to be a paramedic, and he also happens to have a puppy (!!!!). I’m looking forward to hanging out with him; it’s been like 10 years since we talked last but I remember him making me laugh a lot.
Tonight The Takedown is headlining at The Pageant!!! I am so proud of those boys and I’m looking forward to a great show. Ty and his wife are in town and it will be great to hang out with them and that whole group of friends.
My favorite author ever Lynda Barry is coming to town in a couple of days and I’m going to go see her. I’ve met her before (we dished about origami and monkeys) but it’s still incredibly exciting.
Finally, I slept 12 hours last night. It was awesome.
So here’s the rest of it and the worst of it – I talked to him on Sunday and I’m not mad at him anymore. As I’ve said before, I use anger to balance out sadness. But now I’m just plain sad, and that just plain sucks because there’s nothing I can do except ride this out and miss him and be all “boo hoo hoo…”
He wouldn’t give me a real reason. And maybe there really isn’t one, but that’s what happened to me the last time around and that’s the part that hurts the most. When people change the way they feel about you and you don’t know why, it makes you go looking for a reason and that makes you doubt every single tiny little thing about yourself.
So… that’s where I’m at right now. I’m trying to distract myself with great friends and fun stuff, and I’m trying to change the things that I don’t like about me, since I can’t figure out what he didn’t like about me. But I’m not going to lie; I’m hurting a lot and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. My grandma always says “Fake it til you make it,” but I’m still in that “sit in your PJ’s and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and sigh a lot” phase. Ugh. Kill me.