Drunksploitation

I know that as we get older, drunk people are more sad than funny. I know that it’s wrong to exploit alcoholics for their addiction. But I ALSO know that last weekend I encountered a drunk at a bar on Grand who was an absolute treasure. I shouldn’t be blogging drunken quotes but I have to. I HAVE TO.

TOP 10 QUOTES. I AM GOING TO HELL:

~~~1~~~

DRUNK: (to DATE) She reminds me of my sister. The one that goes to church ‘n sh*t.

~~~2~~~

DATE: She doesn’t like me.

(DRUNK puts his arm around DATE.)

DRUNK: I like you.

~~~3~~~

ME: (to DATE) Shut up. AND your fly is open.

DRUNK: Sh*t, I’ve been married 18 years I wish MY fly was open huhHAA!

~~~4~~~

DATE: I have to pee.

(DRUNK steals DATE’s chair.)

DRUNK: Babygirl, let me tell you somethin. Little boys pee. Grown men PISS – uh oh, here he come. (Runs away.)

~~~5~~~

DRUNK: (to ME) You remind me of a fine lady I knew back in ’71. Carol Burnett. SEXY AS HELL.

~~~6~~~

DRUNK: Hey. HEY! BARTENDER! CHANGE THE SONG!

ME: Man, I think this one is almost over.

DRUNK: That’s what she said. HaHAAA.

~~~7~~~

DRUNK: I love you… whatever your name is.

DATE: Her name’s Bianca.

DRUNK and DATE: (for 5 minutes, to ME) Bianca! Hey! Bianca! What’s wrong Bianca?

~~~8~~~

DRUNK: Beautiful, what was your name again?

ME: What do you think it is? Who do I look like?

DRUNK: (pauses, takes my hand) …The love of my life.

~~~9~~~

DRUNK: What was your name again?

ME: Stephanie.

DRUNK: Stephanie. Stephanie… you know I had a Ste… well she was a bitch…

~~~10~~~

(“Uptown” by Prince is playing in the background. BARTENDER cuts off DRUNK.)

DRUNK: (points finger at bar) You know, Barack Obama is going to be president. He’s going to be president whether you f**king like it or not. UP! TOWWN! (Dances away.)