I know that as we get older, drunk people are more sad than funny. I know that it’s wrong to exploit alcoholics for their addiction. But I ALSO know that last weekend I encountered a drunk at a bar on Grand who was an absolute treasure. I shouldn’t be blogging drunken quotes but I have to. I HAVE TO.



DRUNK: (to DATE) She reminds me of my sister. The one that goes to church ‘n sh*t.


DATE: She doesn’t like me.

(DRUNK puts his arm around DATE.)

DRUNK: I like you.


ME: (to DATE) Shut up. AND your fly is open.

DRUNK: Sh*t, I’ve been married 18 years I wish MY fly was open huhHAA!


DATE: I have to pee.

(DRUNK steals DATE’s chair.)

DRUNK: Babygirl, let me tell you somethin. Little boys pee. Grown men PISS – uh oh, here he come. (Runs away.)


DRUNK: (to ME) You remind me of a fine lady I knew back in ’71. Carol Burnett. SEXY AS HELL.



ME: Man, I think this one is almost over.

DRUNK: That’s what she said. HaHAAA.


DRUNK: I love you… whatever your name is.

DATE: Her name’s Bianca.

DRUNK and DATE: (for 5 minutes, to ME) Bianca! Hey! Bianca! What’s wrong Bianca?


DRUNK: Beautiful, what was your name again?

ME: What do you think it is? Who do I look like?

DRUNK: (pauses, takes my hand) …The love of my life.


DRUNK: What was your name again?

ME: Stephanie.

DRUNK: Stephanie. Stephanie… you know I had a Ste… well she was a bitch…


(“Uptown” by Prince is playing in the background. BARTENDER cuts off DRUNK.)

DRUNK: (points finger at bar) You know, Barack Obama is going to be president. He’s going to be president whether you f**king like it or not. UP! TOWWN! (Dances away.)


Filed under Conversations, Favorite Stories

2 responses to “Drunksploitation

  1. -M

    Well, that went and made my week. At least. Probably my whole month.

  2. Pingback: Go Shortcake, It’s Your Birthday | Secretly Stephie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s