In about a month, I have to go somewhere that I never planned on returning . It’s a lovely place and I’m trying to be optimistic. A lot of friends and fun acquaintances will be there. I promised I would go, back when I thought he was going with me. He’s not anymore. I’m only planning on staying the first night. I’m hoping he doesn’t show up until day 2, or at least until after I pass out. Hell, I should pretend that I really want him to be there – that way he’s guaranteed not to show up at all.
The truth is, I have some painful memories involving that place. Not bad, just intense. They’re memories I really don’t want to go back to and I’m scared that going there will dig them up. I know that more than likely, I’ll have a great time when I get there and I won’t be sad at all. Even if do get sad, I don’t plan on showing it. I guess I’m just afraid that I’m walking into one of those situations where I’m surrounded by people and I still feel alone.
I mean, I’ve already had to revisit bad memories this past week. Here’s something that I don’t need to tell you but I will anyway since we’re buds: more than half of my life ago, I went through something incredibly violent and scary. I’m only telling you this because I had to develop this tough, no-nonsense part of my brain in order to deal with it and protect myself from going through anything like that ever again.
We all know that when it comes to boys, I am usually a total wuss. It takes A LOT to tap into that part of my brain and make me snap, but last week someone managed to do it. Want to know how? Act like you own me. Tell me how I’m supposed to feel. Tell me what I can and can’t do. Tell me that what I want isn’t worth it. Ignore me for years and expect me to love you. Try to make me feel guilty for things that aren’t wrong. Try to prevent me from being happy just because you can’t figure out how to cheer yourself up.
That’s what some dude – not the aforementioned he, but a different dude – did to me last week. And he managed to mess up something that made me really happy. And he did it for no reason. I don’t really know how to forgive him right now. And I’m really glad I have this part of my brain right now, because it reminds me that I shouldn’t feel bad about standing up for myself. It reminds me that I deserve better and that when I’m surrounded by people, sometimes being alone is actually the best thing.
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I’m actually going to good places though, and I don’t even have to leave my room.
First up: 90210. I LOOOOOVEEE IT. Here are some reasons why you should, too: Ahndrea Zukerman’s baby is the school news anchor. Aunt Becky from Full House. Kelly Taylor’s drunk mom. BRENDA WALSH. A cutie patootie English teacher. That guy from the Peach Pit. Kids with actual backstories that (so far) aren’t a cliché for everything. Best of all Kelly Taylor’s mystery babydaddy – BRANDON OR DYLAN??? BRANDON OR DYLAN?? Or: STEVE?? I LOVE THIS SHOW.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows like nobody’s business, but Rob Estes is surprisingly lovable and funny. And of course – the entire reason why I watch this show – the return of Lucille Bluth. I don’t even know what her character’s name is – just imagine Lucille Bluth got drunk and wandered over to someone else’s house. Her five minutes per episode make the whole thing worthwhile. God bless you CW.
“I have to finish my memoirs before my friend Virginia – we’ve slept with all the same people.”
I LOVE HER.
This is also taking me places:
Hula hooping is the closest I’ve come to meditating since I stopped meditating. I can’t describe how addictive it is or how great it makes me feel. I mean, I CRAVE IT. I carry my hoop around in my car. For the past two weeks I’ve been hooping for at least an hour a day and I can say with 100% certainty that it is changing my life. I tried some tricks the other day and whapped myself in the face, so I’m sticking to the straight hooping til I see Courtney again.
Next up: going to sleep. Hopefully now that I don’t smoke, I’ll be able to figure out how to get there on my own.
Secretly Stephie 