On The Mend …

I’ve been feeling really depressed for the past month or so and I’ve been on this mission to figure out why. You would think it’d be obvious for any number of reasons:

1. My dad’s in the hospital for the fourth time in 3 months, on his second major operation.
2. I got my heart (admittedly only sort of) broken.
3. I quit smoking.
4. The DAY after I quit smoking it turned into fall, which is my favorite time to sit outside and smoke but also the time that reminds me of ex-boyfriends.
5. I lost two of my best friends.*

However, this type of sadness doesn’t seem like it was caused by any of those things. I”ve been through all of those things before. This feels different somehow… it just lingers there all of the time. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been ready to burst into tears at any second. And I mean, I’ve been sleeping! I’ve been sleeping 7 or 8 hours a night and I’m still moodier than after an all-nighter.

So today I did extra research on lorazepam, the pills I’ve been taking to go to sleep. They’ve been working wonders, so I’ve been avoiding researching them because bad news is inevitable. And boy, did I find it: in addition to being EXTREMELY addictive, they’re also capable of triggering severe depression. So… I got that going for me.

I haven’t been taking a high enough dosage to experience the super-scary withdrawal symptoms (I hope), and hell, it’s nice to have a tangible, fixable reason for feeling this bad. When I’m this sad and I don’t know why, I usually end up sitting around thinking about all the things I should be sad about (see: reasons 1-5) and then crying about one or all of the above.

I mean, I love not smoking when I’m not drunk for the most part. I love saving money and smelling like Sweet Pea and having fresh breath and the such. And the fall is also my favorite time to run, and now I can run faster and longer (I’ve already broken 2 personal records since I quit!). My dad still has his leg and more importantly his life, and to be honest I worry about him less when he has 24/7 medical surveillance. Those two friends were bad for me, or at least that’s what everyone tells me. And honestly, there are so many logical reasons to not be sad about that break-up that I can usually reason my way out of being bummed after a minute or two.

So this week I’m only going to take half the dosage that I’ve been taking, and next week I’ll take another stab at falling asleep completely on my own. It should be much easier when I’m not busy crying about absolutely nothing, or virtually everything, or something totally dumb in between like One Tree Hill.**

And THEN, hopefully I’ll be back to the normal, happier, chattier, and sillier me. I would like to write more happy blogs about hula hooping and Squids and Thriller and new friends and other adventures. But I have to get back to living that way first. There’s still two weeks left of Superbabe September! I can salvage this!

In the meantime, if I look like I need a hug, go ahead and give it to me because more than likely, I do.

*I didn’t lose them like they died or moved – I’ll tell you what happened in person if you want (and giiiiirl, it’s a good story). But their houses were the best places to go when I was scared and I needed to feel safe. It was a big shock to my system to lose both safehouses during such a weird, stressful time. I hope they’re very happy together.

**I’ve never even WATCHED this show until last week. Maybe that is why I feel so bad?

2 Comments

Filed under Love Stinks

2 responses to “On The Mend …

  1. RØB

    Oh shucks, I am gonna have to get that hot in-person story about losing friends, it sounds mega-juicy.

    Crapple, I just realized I might have to miss the first THRILLER rehearsal, SQUID DUTY CALLS

  2. Gage D.

    Rob, what if she’s talking about you and me!!!???? Stephie? :/

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