Monthly Archives: October 2008

Metrolink Prom

Man, this is KILLING ME:

Again, I love my city so much. There is always something totally weird and hilarious going on if you look hard enough.

Notice the sun setting over the ocean in the background. And palm trees. I have such a crush on this.

I am debating going. It’s either Metrolink Prom or a big party with my friends; I’m sleuthing to see how many BWMMS (boys who make me sad) will be at the party. My TPC Gals are going to be out of town, so I wouldn’t have an awesome posse for the Prom. RØB will be busy with his hot date, winkwink.

Either way, I had to share this flyer with you because it has brought me so much joy by just existing.


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I’m The Opposite of Moderate

Yesterday I ran alongside the train tracks for about an hour, getting sprinkled with autumn leaves and seeing my corner of the world from a whole new angle – all while intently exploring Cephalclog by Casey Reid. I’ve written about him before but it needs to be said – that album is nothing short of a treasure. Powerful, intense and straight from the heart.

If you have the blues – or are somehow sad for no reason about virtually everything lately like me – I suggest Cephalclog and a mini-adventure. It may not pull you out of the funk entirely, but it’s guaranteed to lift your spirits. BONUS TIP: Download “Live Your Life” by T.I. and Rihanna the same night and then totally forget about it, so it blares through your headphones unexpectedly and makes you so happy that you sprint an extra mile all, “AAAaaayy AAAaaay AAAayy”. YES.


I was going to tell you that Cephalclog is what I am going to listen to when I drive to Bigfootville. Since I won’t have any actual vacation time until next year (meaning 12 months, not January), I am going to drive to Eastern Oklahoma for the weekend to meet people who have seen Bigfoot and shop at lots of Bigfoot gift shops. I am probably going to do this by myself. I can’t wait. HOWEVER: I wanted to find a good picture of something Bigfootville-related to show you and I discovered two things.

1. I JUST MISSED THE HONOBIA BIGFOOT FESTIVAL. This is such a travesty, although there is no way I could’ve camped two weekends in a row. Maybe next year?

2. DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT MISSOURI HAS ITS OWN BIGFOOT NAMED MOMO??? I DIDN’T! How did I not know that? What is wrong with my parents? I feel so cheated!

There used to be this ride at Six Flags called Momo the Monster. It was shaped like a big octopus. I almost barfed on it when I was little. My brother told me to just stare at my feet and that worked. Thanks Patrick. So anyways… I have always connected the name Momo with a giant octopus. Never a bigfoot-ish creature with a pumpkin-shaped head. BUT I DO NOW. Consider me obsessed.


Hopefully with enough mini-adventures, I’ll find a way out of this bummer and pick up some smiles on the way. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be here:

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Come Up In The Spot Looking Extra Fly

I’ve been having trouble writing about The Spot and I finally figured out why. I didn’t exactly DO much. Even through it was the best weekend I’ve had in a while, I don’t have a lot of specifics to share. I was pretty lazy to be honest. Hiking? Climbing? Washers even? Girl please, I am on vacation.

Here’s what I mostly did during The Spot:

1. Set marshmallows on fire.
2. Wander aimlessly.
3. Sleep.
4. Drink.
5. Twirl in this gigantic tire swing:

… and that’s pretty much it. I developed the same weird attachment to that tire swing as I did that rowboat from the Steelesville cabin. I didn’t care that I was by myself. I adored that thing.

My old roommate Tony went with me and I’m so glad I invited him – and not just because he brought all the camping gear and cooked me breakfast every morning. It just felt great mixing an old friend in with all the new ones. I tend to lose parts of myself when I jump from circle to circle. Do you know what I mean? It was nice to access strengths and traits that I don’t really show around that group of friends. I probably wouldn’t have stayed the second night if he wasn’t there.

All right, so I already told you what happened the first night. The second day was mostly spent lying around in a field. I watched a washers tournament, puppy-sat Ford, “helped” people who were working the gate aaaaand that’s it. All in all, 92 people showed up! That’s crazy! For a while, we were scared we’d run out of places to park.

Saturday night was the absolute coolest. Three bands played at The Stockade – Dub Kitchen, Roly and Rockit Man & Chocolate Milk. There were little candles all along the path from the campground to the stockade, which made the long walk through the woods almost magical. There was also a totally sick fireworks display that covered the entire sky and completely blew my mind.

It was such a cool atmosphere, a great time and a mostly a total blur. Here are things that I remember, in no particular order or verb tense:

  • Tony and I took a detour to eat at this drive-in burger joint that reminded me of “Home Fries” and reminded Tony of “Friday Night Lights.” We marveled at people like the city jerks that we are.
  • Ron rented porta-potties. PORTA-POTTIES FROM HEAVEN!
  • The first thing that I saw at The Spot was a gigantic ring on Jessica’s finger. She and Nick just got back from Mexico. He proposed to her ON TOP OF A MAYAN TEMPLE. That is pretty amazing. Those two are awesome together and we’re all really happy for them.
  • I slid down the firemen’s pole for the first of 6,000 times. When my feet hit the ground, a bunch of Christmas lights turned on right behind me. Hippies cheer in amazement.
  • Tom wins Jen’s heart forever when he points to the cabin and asks, “Is this where you keep Jacob?”
  • The Rocket Queen wins my heart forever when I point out my ex and she deadpans, “Ugh, the d-bag with the visor?”
  • Bryan wins The Rocket Queen’s heart forever with the smooth soulful sounds of Jack Johnson:

  • Tony and I decided to stay another day, so we needed to go to Wal-Mart. Then this happened:

BRYAN: Can I go with you guys?

ME: Sure.

BRYAN: I should probably change.

TONY: Bryan. You’re wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

BRYAN: Right. That’s why-

TONY: Bryan? We’re going to the Wal-Mart in Fredericktown.

BRYAN: Right. (beat) Nevermind.

  • I sing Jerell’s “At Da Teyents” every time I have to walk back to the tents.
  • “Is that guy STILL in his hammock?”
    “Hasn’t he been there all day?”
    “Should we, um, check on him?”
    “Does anyone know who he is?”
  • Bonus and hippies go to the Gun Show.

At one point, there was a weird mix of people sitting around the campfire. Someone broke the ice by asking, “Who has the strangest middle name?”

Some guy said, “Well, my middle name is normal. But my first name used to be Jeepers.”


“Yeah. Jeepers.”

(Everyone gapes)

“Why would… why would any parent do that to a child?” asked The Rocket Queen.

“I don’t know. They went back a couple weeks later and changed it. But it’s still on my birth certificate. My mom’s side of the family calls me ‘Jeeps’.”

  • A girl brought those fireball things that you twirl around. At one point one of the fireballs flung out of her hand and hit the (wooden) stage. People hippy-danced around it completely unfazed. Jen and I clutched each other like, “omigodomigod pickitUPpickitUP.”
  • During the fireworks, Jen screamed, “I can’t believe it’s legal to sell this stuff to my friends!”
  • A firework shoots off towards the tents, waking up Tom and traumatizing him forever.
  • I watch the fireworks with the brother of the boy who ditched me on the 4th of July.
  • During Dub Kitchen’s set, Andy reminds us about all the fossil fuels that were burning to power the Christmas lights.
  • “Who’s that guy dancing with all the girls?” “Oh, that’s Jeepers.”
  • In the morning, I spotted Geoff and Erin laughing their asses off next to Tony C.’s car. Pat was passed out in the backseat, all curled up like an Anne Geddes baby.
  • I spy Bonus teaching a little boy how to fish. PRECIOUS!
  • A kid with a mohawk almost decapitates me with a (real and really sharp) chinese throwing star.
  • Jeff told us about the time he fell through a window and basically cut his hand off. He went into incredible detail about how it was only attached to his body by the bone. He did this as Tony and I were eating eggs and bacon.
  • Tony and I gave Jeff a ride home. After we left, everyone realized that Jeff didn’t know anyone. He didn’t even know the bands. He just randomly heard about a camping trip and showed up. That night I got about 5 calls checking to see if we were alive. Jeff was a cool dude. But thanks pals.
  • PERFECT weather all weekend. It was too warm for Ron’s Argentinian poncho but he still looked awesome.

I think that’s it. RON IS THE MAN. Hooray for The Spot!


Filed under Adventures, Conversations, Picture Pages

Rosie The Whimperer

Last night I missed the Sarah Palin guest spot on SNL, so I had no idea why J texted me with, “OMFG ESKIMOS.”

This morning when I caught up, I texted him back: “I always forget how awesome eskimos are.”

J: “I always forget they’re in our country! WE have ESKIMOS!”

“They need to be utilized more often for sure.”

“They need to be the Mascot of Everything is what!”

“Yeah. How r u?”



Today I practically dislocated my shoulder trying to start my parents’ lawn mower. I’m typing this with a bag of frozen carrots resting up there like a parrot. I’m not a complete wuss; the starter is pretty much broken. But the only reason it started at all was because my neighbor heard me whimpering after, like, attempt 85.

I DID manage to mow the entire lawn using only left turns – it hurt too much to push down with my right arm. So while I got served in the “weaker sex” category, my problem-solving skills are still a tie.

Sometimes it’s hard to be the man of the house when you’re a 5’2, 120-ish girl who can’t do a chin-up to save her life.


My mom and I have always been a little nervous because she’s the only person who knows exactly how to take care of my dad. However, we’ve never shared that fear with each other until today. I just got done with a nice run-down of his entire routine. Holy f*cking sh*t. My mom has all of his prescriptions listed in an Excel spreadsheet. She is a miracle.

As much as I bitch about being an old maid, I am pretty greatful that I am not part of the “Sandwich Generation” – people who have to take care of their little kids and aging parents at the same time. I can’t even imagine that.

I hung out with Rachel a couple of months ago and out of nowhere, her daughter started throwing a tantrum about bacon. Ra just dropped everything like, “Hold up girl, I have to go make some bacon.” I don’t know why THAT’S the moment I realized how hard it is to be a parent, but Jesus. At least when my dad asks for lunch, he asks politely and usually throws in a joke.


Last week my life was like the world’s worst Sandra Bullock movie. This week it is more like A League of Their Own. At this rate, next week will be Beaches or Steel Magnolias or some nightmarish crap like that.

All I’ve learned from chick flicks is that change doesn’t happen until you chop all of your hair off. So:


Last night Rob Ruz had to review Daniel Tosh for the RFT, and he invited me along. I’ve never been to the Pageant for stand-up; it was pretty great.

He DID: pick me up in a functioning car and open the door for me.

He DID NOT: get super wasted and scream at me in the car while going 90 on the highway.

THEREFORE: that was the best date I’ve had since at least January. Thank you Rob!

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Damn, I Love My City

When I was little, I’d look at a map of the USA and feel so lucky to live in a city marked by a big dot. And every year, I keep finding more and more reasons to feel proud.

Oh, Obama. Will you be my President?

Also: St. Louis rocks because we grew up watching Schweig Engel commercials. (I cannot thank Janternet’s readers enough for bringing those memories back. Holy crap.)

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Stephie Gets Tagged VI

Janternet tagged me the other day, so now I have to share 8 random facts about myself.

I shared the best ones the first time I was tagged), but I heart Janternet so I’ll try to make these good:

1. Neil Young has been playing in my car nonstop, and singing along has been so therapeutic for me. It erases my troubles. My current favorite is “For the Turnstiles”.

2. I still sleep with my blanky. I was planning on throwing it out when I got married but (a) I doubt that will ever happen and (b) it can only handle 4 more trips through the dryer, tops.

3. I enjoy doing really monotonous things like data entry and stuffing envelopes. I think it comes from having to be creative and pull ideas out of thin air all day. I find peace in tangible tasks.

4. I know absolutely everything about The Brady Bunch. I used to be obsessed. So this new tell-all book from Maureen McCormick that just came out is like, the highlight of my year.

5. For various reasons (out-of-state college, DUI, environmentalism, general loserness), I have not had a boyfriend with a car since 2002. EARLY 2002. I know.

6. I collect glass paperweights, particularly ones with a splash of cobalt blue. I think they are beautiful.

7. I have two scars on my hip that have been there for almost 14 years. They made me a stronger person. Sometimes when I am scared or upset, I put my hand on my hip to remind myself. I’m channeling the Brave Juice. Watch out.

8. Today a man called me from Scotland and serenaded me with “To Be With You” by Mr. Big. I can’t think of anything more perfect. You know, aside from being in Scotland with him.

I’m supposed to tag 8 people back. So I will tag… Heather, Erin, Jaime, Mike, Iain, Courtney, Rocket Queen and Jen.

Thanks Janternet!

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Vacation Had To Get Away

Usually when I go on a big trip or attend something amazing, it takes a week or so to process everything and see which memories stick. The same is true for The Spot, though I will tell you now it was practically perfect and incredible medicine for the soul. Things like that are hard to describe right off the bat.

There IS one story that I have to tell you immediately. It seems silly to share it because I’ve probably already told it to everyone who would appreciate it.* But it’s just… well, here:

So the first night was very low-key and relaxed. There were maybe 15 of us? There were 20 or 30 counting the band, who visited us from time to time but mostly stayed by the stockade.

Okay. Okay so…

We’re sitting around the campfire and I notice a tall boy making goo goo eyes at me. And shoot, I’m sitting in the woods all muddy and gross; I’ll take goo goo eyes for sure. So that went on for a few beers-ish.

He mentioned that he had never been to the stockade (which is this crazy gigantic fort hidden in the back of the property) so Jen and I decided to show it off. He flirted with me during the long walk through the woods and he seemed relatively interesting. More importantly, tall with goo goo eyes.

Okay. Um. So you guys. I was trying to decide if I should have a crush on him? I have learned my lesson after all; from now on my crushes need to be informed decisions. So as we were exploring the top of the stockade, I decided to get the deets and kick off a conversation: “So, how do you know Ron?”

“Through my brother,” he said, just as we reached the firemen’s pole in the corner. “Well, my half-brother.”

“Oh, really? Who’s your brother?”



Yes. Yes he did.

He said the worst name possible. The reason I almost stayed home. The guy I dated for 6 months, who broke my little heart in July.

Then he flashed a horrifically-familiar smile. Then he slid down the firemen’s pole, hitting the ground a few seconds after my stomach and my jaw.

I think The Spot is built directly over an Ancient Indian Burial Ground composed entirely of my great-great-grandmother’s ex-boyfriends. I mean, it’s gotten to the point where it’s almost art.

*Really, at this point my only reason for living is to make my friends simultaneously groan and laugh when I tell them about my day. You know that noise that starts with a scream and then echoes off into guffaws and giggles? It is the soundtrack of my life. I LOVE THAT NOISE.


Filed under Adventures, Botheration, Love Stinks

Drama Club

Jen, Niki and I had nice flashbacks of the Cool vs. Not-So-Cool days when we dug out our North Middle School Yearbook last night. For the FIVE people mentioned below who are reading along, it’s my 6th grade yearbook, their 7th.

They were a year above me and we didn’t know each other back then, so we got a big kick out of looking each other up.Then this happened:

ME: Oh my god. I was in Drama Club.

(Jen and Niki laugh.)

NIKI: You’re just now remembering this?

ME: I had no idea. At least this picture isn’t as horrifying. Look. (Passes yearbook.) Do you see me?

JEN: Yeah, you’re right behind Sam Orme-Rogers. That’s crazy. (Passes it back.)

ME: Oh wow, Courtney Osterholt was in Drama Club too.

JEN: Yeah, I noticed that.

ME: I have no recollection of this.

NIKI: That’s funny. I can’t believe you guys were all in Drama Club together.

(Five minutes later, I pick up the yearbook again.)

ME: Hey Niki, this might sound like a dumb question, but is this you?

(I pass her the yearbook. Niki falls over laughing.)

JEN: What?

NIKI: I was… in Drama Club too?

JEN: Wow, Drama Club must have been the place to be.

TO HEATHER AND LIZ: You might be interested to know that you were ALSO in Drama Club, along with Kelly Fogarty.

TO GAGE: I didn’t spot you in Drama Club, but I showed Jen and Niki your picture and they cooed for a good 10 minutes. What an angel!

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OMFG October

You know, writing about seasonal products has ensured that I will never be one of those people who proclaims, “I can’t believe it’s October!” or “Wow, Christmas already?” I look at Christmas stuff all day; Halloween is old news by now. And I don’t think time flies anymore. I don’t have much to look forward to these days, except maybe The Office.

Superbabe September was sort of okay. I didn’t get everything out of it that I wanted, but that’s okay. I’ve been sleeping much more, which I mostly attribute to my chilly apartment. When I was little, I used to get in trouble for opening my windows in the winter to make my room freezing. It’s cozier that way. I love it.

I don’t know what I want for October. I know I’m doing Thriller. I know I’m going camping.* I know I’m doing an assload of yardwork for my mom and maybe getting some muscles out of it. Definitely poison ivy, I just don’t know where or when. I know I’m chopping my hair off. I know what I’m going to be for Halloween.**

Basically, I just want to be happier at the end of this month than I am right now. I know I’m probably jinxing it but that’s the goal. I’ve been seriously down and caught up in my dumb problems. It’s time to snap out of it. My problems are absolutely nothing compared to things that other people face. I need to take advantage of what I have, rather than focus on what I’m missing.


Random Stuff:

My dad went back to the emergency room – nothing bad but yes, again – and I entertained myself by riding his wheelchair from the waiting room all the way down to the cafeteria. Someone in the elevator touched my shoulder and said, “You’re so brave.” Yikes.

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist was pretty darn cute. Any movie with a gay Greek Chorus gets an A+ in my book. Michael Cera does what he does best without overdoing himself. There are tons of cameos from actors that I really dig. But the best part was Drunk Caroline, played by Ari Graynor. She NAILS IT. I could not stop laughing. Watch out for her.


The bad part about dating a guy who lives halfway between you and your best friend is that when you stop dating, you still have to drive by their street all the time. I saw him walking last night. I thought about stopping and saying hi, but I didn’t. Even if he was happy to see me, it wouldn’t do me any good and I know it. That’s a sign that things are much better. It’s also a sign that, despite gas prices, I need to start driving the extra-long way.

For the first time in years (possibly decades), I don’t even have a crush. He was always my Go-To Crush because I never, ever expected him to like me back. So now I don’t even have a backup. I’m feelingless.

Do you guys remember that old children’s book, Are You My Mother? This little bird hatches in the nest while the mom is out looking for worms. He spends the whole book asking everyone and everything he sees, “Are you my mother? Are YOU my mother?”

When I first break up with a boy, I tend to wander around just like that little lost bird. I have a crush on everyone I come across and I think to myself, “Are you my new boyfriend? Are YOU my new boyfriend?”

I went through that for a few weeks. Then I got over it. Then I stopped missing him. And now I’m just shuffling through all these plutonic people, feelingless.

Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t care if anyone likes me right now. I just want to find someone to like. I need a Go-To Crush. I need something to look forward to. I need to get excited about stupid fun crush stuff, like pulling up to a friend’s house and seeing your crush’s car. I need goosebumps. I need daydreams. Where can I find that feeling again? Maybe I just need to move.

*And I’m betting my entire paycheck that Tony dutch-ovens our tent.

**I was really sad to end things with him before Halloween, because I REALLY wanted to be a Robert Palmer girl for Halloween. That costume only works if you have a guy dressed like Robert Palmer or a bunch of chicks dressed like you. Alone, it becomes more of an Adam Sandler costume – “Hey, I’m Too Much Makeup On The Face Lady! Give me some candy!”


Filed under Love Stinks