Today I Didn’t Even Have To Use My A.K.

I’ve been down lately, so when I have a good day or two I really like to run with it. Mostly for my own peace of mind, but also because I feel bad when you guys come here and I bum you out.

However – I CURRENTLY HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE. I ALWAYS have something in my eye. It is the only upside to crying every day. I might try to make myself cry after I write this because IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. AAAGGHH.

Quick good news – my dad’s foot is almost totally healed and he can put weight on it again. He can’t walk yet, but he can get around on his own. My parents are relieved, which makes me relieved. Also, my dad can climb in the minivan now, which means my mom and I no longer have to trade cars. YES. It was so weird driving a minivan, although I had this awesome rule where I could only listen to Magic 104.9 or 104.1 when I drove it. Gangsta.

~~~*~~~

A couple of nights ago, I was so incredibly sad and the only person I wanted to talk to was Pammy. But I hadn’t talked to Pammy since forever ago and I didn’t know her new number or her new last name. So I just sat around for hours being totally sad and missing Pammy.

And then the next morning, I logged into my gmail and guesswhat guesswhat guesswhat. There was a message from Pammy! How bananas is that? So I think that’s what kicked off this happy… kick.

Old friends from forever ago always make my day. Last night I saw Kevin and that was a rare treat. I love that dude. I hope to visit him and Monica in Chicago soon. And I had a dance party with Pandy last week. It was delicious.

Don’t get me wrong, new friends thrill me, too. Tonight I’m going to a trivia night with RØB, Bill and some other folks. FINALLY, TRIVIA. Pat never invited me to his trivia night and that always hurt my feelings because I love showing off my geniusosity.

~~~*~~~

I think one reason I’ve been bummed out (but not the main reason) is that all the parties I attend are with the same group of friends… and lately that means 5 or 6 couples and some guys that I already dated.* Sometimes I feel lonelier around them than I would if I stayed home.

I came to that realization the other night and it really horrified me. I mean, those are the best friends I’ve ever had (the couples, not the ones I dated*) and I love them more than anything. But in order to shake this lonely feeling, I need to sometimes BE alone and go explore new places and people by myself.

Like, to get happier I have to cut back on the one thing that makes me happy. What a suck sandwich, am I right?

Not that I don’t enjoy those parties – I had a BLAST at both the Halloween parties. I still plan on seeing my friends all of the time. I think I simply need to avoid Couplespalooza Nights when I’m not in the mood to not care.

And NOTE: I’m not saying I need to go out and “get a man”. I just need to spend some time with people as opposed to pairs.

~~~*~~~

I’ve said this before – unhappiness is vital to personal growth because it is a motivator. I almost get relieved when I realize that I’m depressed, because that way I HAVE to run and I HAVE to get sleep and I HAVE to be social. I have to write, sing, draw, hula hoop, take my vitamins, do nice things for other people, clean my room, lay in the sunshine, find some puppies to pet, etc. There’s no procrastination or hesitation about taking care of myself – if I don’t do those things, I won’t survive.

I’ve put off admitting to myself (and I guess to you) that I have legit depression. I had all of these exterior reasons to be sad and I used them as excuses. But now I’m aware that I have to fix it from the inside and I’m excited. The last time I was this down, I worked so hard to bring myself up and I ended up having the best year of my life.

I’m happier today than I was yesterday. And I know for a fact that tomorrow, I’ll be even happier. Give me a month and YOU’LL be depressed that you are not me.

*ALLEGEDLY

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