Oh 2009, Hurry UUUP

In the past few days, I’ve become obsessed with getting a pet snail. I mean, look at it! It looks like an alien puppy! I need one.

I’m not sure where this obsession came from. And I don’t know if I could handle a giant snail. Half of me wants to pat it on the head and tell it about my day, and the other half wants to step on it and run away screaming. It delights me, yet terrifies me. Therefore, it fascinates me. I owned hermit crabs when I was a kid, so you’d think I wouldn’t have issues.* Maybe I will start with a tiny one.

I think it’s appropriate that I’ve been obsessed with snails, because if I could describe 2008 in one word, it would be “dragging”. I came into this year on such a great high from my Best Year Ever, but then my dad got sick, my heart was broken, I lost some great friends and life just felt impossible for a little while.

There’s something to be said when my favorite entry of the year is the one where I saw a vampire movie at the mall, right?

HOWEVER, while I credit 2007 for being the best because of new friendships, 2008 was a great year for that, too. People like Janet, Gage, the Courtneys, the Erins, Emily, Andy, Tony C. and Dan O. turned my boring days into adventures and sad days into happy ones, or at least ones I could survive. So in those terms, 2007 and 2008 were a tie.

~~~*~~~

The last few days have been a turnaround, too. Tony had a birthday party at possibly the coolest home I have ever seen in my life. I was told we were going to a barn. Niki was told we were going to a mansion. We were both wrong – Tony’s mom’s place looks like Blueberry Hill. Vintage toys, cool guitars on the walls, totem poles around a fire pit and just crazy scenery all around. I saw a bunch of folks that I haven’t seen in forever, had a (I guess?) good conversation with Pat, and had to walk to Jen and Ron’s to get my car the next morning – always the sign of a great party.

The next night I went to karaoke with Andy. Andy was my Advanced Playwriting Workshop pal and is without a doubt the greatest writer I personally know. He and his friends are powerhouse karaoke all-stars, too. I was seriously intimidated even before they signed up to sing “One Sweet Day” by Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. Some guys at the bar serenaded me with “867-5309” and we were all treated to the best Crash Test Dummies cover ever.**

After that, Andy crashed at my place and we stayed up til an ungodly hour bonding over cool books and stories and The Andy Rooney Game. He is such a blast! Why do so many fun people have to live so far away?

The NEEEEXT night, Ron and Nick DJed at The Royale and the whole crew came to show their support and rock out. I brought Dan and I think he had fun. Later I got to make The Rocket Queen laugh with a bunch of horrifically embarrassing tales that I can’t share here. I’ve discovered that bad experiences are worth it when I can make funny people crack up with the story.

Then FINALLY it was Monday and I could just go to work, go home and relax. And tonight it starts all over again. It’s exciting but exhausting.

Oh, here is something cool – this year Shortcake had more hits than the past 3 1/2 years combined. Almost twice as many, in fact. Also, you guys set a record for the most hits per month – this month! So you’re still setting the record right now! You’re all too nice to me. Thank you for reading. 🙂 I wrote a whole big section about my New Years Resolutions, but I think I will save that for tomorrow or Friday. PLEASE BE SAFE TONIGHT.

*I adored my hermit crabs but in hindsight they were pretty disgusting. Years later, I walked into my friend Rachael’s garage on a hot summer day and exclaimed, “YO, it smells like hermit crabs in here,” and she fell over laughing. That’s not a smell you forget.

** Some poor drunk boy was thrown to the front and forced by his friends to sing “Mmm Mmm Mmm.” He obviously didn’t know the song and performed most of the lyrics as spoken word. But when he got to the chorus, he looked at the screen with confusion and said, “Em Em Em Em? Em Em Em Em? Eeeeeeeeemmmm.” What. A treat.

Frank Has A Podcast

I have a lot of funny friends in a lot of fun circles. Comedians, writers, total trainwrecks, Jen – life is such a blast (and supposedly lasts longer) when you’re surrounded by people who constantly crack you up.

HOWEVER, I laugh the most when I am around the Jersey Boys. I miss having them around every day (or even once a year) because they are just naturally hilarious. Maybe that is why I still blog about them seven years after they lived down the hall from me?

So I was totally pumped when Frank announced that he has a podcast with his best friend Erik. It reminds me of sitting in the cafeteria in London, just laughing my ass off at everything he said. All I need now is Darren in front of me with a plate full of baked beans.*

I don’t really know how to promote this without slipping into cheesy-copywriter mode? “Discover the beauty of Frank (and Erik).” So I should just link to it. It made me laugh a lot today and it will make you laugh, too:

Frank & Erik Internet Famous

YES.

Guess What I Got For Christmas?

A digital camera. Here comes trouble!

Check out how precious my life looked today:

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This Week In Conversationing

Stephie: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP GIVING ME THINGS THAT MAKE ME FAT

Jeff: HA

Jeff: its a test

Jeff: of your WILL POWER

Jeff: EFFANIE

Jeff: just wait till tomorrow and THURSDAY

Stephie: A test to see how fast I can house all this chocolate?

Stephie: Because word up Kriss, I’m ABOUT TO

Jeff: HA

Jeff: thats the second time in a week ive heard a Kriss Kross reference

Stephie: LOOOOL

Stephie: That is the sign of a great week
~~~*~~~

Jason: (opening gift) OH MY GOD a Make Your Own Hot Sauce Kit.

Stephie: Do you like it?

Jason: I am going to be pooping sideways.

Stephie: … is that a yes?

Jason: My asshole will be on fire. Yes.

Stephie: Merry Christmas for your mouth… Bah Humbug for your butt.

Jason: (beat) Please put that on your blog?

Stephie: ‘Kay.
~~~*~~~

Andy: I’m still stunned that you spend your hangovers watching movies like August Rush.

Stephie: DUDE WE HAD FREE HBO FOR THE WEEKEND

Stephie: I was on zero sleep. It was one of those movies where I saw the preview and just wanted to see the ending?

Stephie: But then that guy was really hot?

Stephie: So I watched the whole thing

Stephie: Man

Stephie: there is just no dignified way to eat saltine crackers, is there?

Andy: HAHAHAHA. Okay, let me diagram what you just said to me.

Andy: Lame excuse, lame excuse, lame excuse, hilarious non-sequiter.

Andy: ::claps::

Stephie: I can either bite into it and it explodes everywhere or I can shove the whole thing in my mouth like a totally hot babe

Stephie: *curtsey*

~~~*~~~

Niki: Steph! I got a sewing machine for Christmas!

Stephie: Holy sh*t! Really?

Niki: Mmm hmm

Stephie: That’s insane.

Niki: Yeah.

Stephie: INSANE! But AWESOME!!

Niki: … yeah?

LATER

Stephie: So can you throw rolls of socks at it, like in Big?

Niki: Yeah… wait, what?

Stephie: You know, when he just throws socks at it and it comes out. In his loft. You know, Big? With Tom Hanks?

Niki: I… don’t remember that part.

Stephie: Oh. So are you going to fill it with all your favorites?

Niki: What are you talking about?

Stephie: Your SODA MACHINE!

Niki: SEWING MACHINE.

Stephie: Oh. OOOOOOOH. HAAAAAAA. That makes sense. (Finishes wine.)

~~~*~~~

Geoff: holy shits you have dated like everyone on earth

Stephie: NO!

Stephie: Not at all!

Geoff: You’re like the Kevin Bacon of dating

Stephie: HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA

Geoff: 6 Degress of Effanie

Stephie: OMG I hate you

Geoff: WHY?

Stephie: NOT TRUE

Stephie: *Sigh*

Geoff: It’s ok

Geoff: i feel the same way somtimes

Geoff: when all the friends are together for a huge party

Geoff: and like every girl ive ever slept with is there

Geoff: She is like AND how do you know her?

Geoff: and her?

Geoff: and OH you know her too?

Geoff: im like ehhhhh

Geoff: hahaha

Geoff: maybe

Stephie: See I haven’t SLEPT with everyone I’ve dated

Stephie: So

Stephie: there

Geoff: SO THERE

Geoff: You’re still getting a drinking game named after you.

“This Must Be Where Pies Go When They Die.”

“Diane? Twin Peaks Club is back and totally kicks ass.”

Ah, I loooooove the TCP. There were tons and tons of people last week, and I’m really looking forward to tonight. I’ve been bringing my pal Dan (not that Dan) and it’s been a blast. Huge groups make everything hilarious, especially the cheese that is Twin Peaks. Soap-sock it to me!

Courtney and Ann’s place is my kind of space – covered with art and kitsch and basically anything that is cool. Places like that inspire me to get off my ass and get more creative. So I have been.

You know what else inspires me to get off my ass? The GORGEOUSLY GORGEOUS HULA HOOP that Courtney made for me. And when I say “made”, I mean she bought tubing and everything. Holy crap. She made it for me right after that Pancake Productions BBQ and for some reason, fate has prevented me from getting that hoop until last week. It was worth the wait.

Since Courtney is a quilter, she probably gets thrilled by matchy-matchy fun color combos as much as I do, so Courtney! Look!

Look at how perfect Courtney’s hoop looks in my hooping corner! Holy macaroni! This hoop is bigger and heavier than my sparkly water one, and it moves so much better. I can’t watch TV without hula hooping now. One more because it’s the prettiest:

So since I am hanging out with all these DIY All-Stars, I decided to try my hand at something for the holidays – making Christmas bows out of old magazines!

Last night I brought supplies over to Jen and Ron’s and while everyone played with the Wii, the girls and I went bow-crazy. The cats were completely delirious with joy as they rolled around in magazine scraps. It’s seriously addictive. I can’t stop.

Bows bows bows:

Oh, at Jen and Ron’s we also had a Bosnian Brown Sugar pie that would have made Agent Cooper proud. Amazing. Okay, now it is time for me to get off my butt. Kevin introduced me to Tetris Friends on Facebook and I spent my morning trying to beat his score. Kevin: you are not my Tetris Friend, you are my Tetris Enemy. I can’t stop until I beat his score.

So check out my TOTAL PARTY OF A DAY:

– Tetris Friends on Facebook

– Running to Feed The Animals

– Hula Hooping with a Gorgeous Hoop

– Playing with Charlie the Chihuahua

– Making Cookies with my Mom

– Bows Bows Bows Bows Bows

– Twin Peaks with Twin Peaks Club

– Milk and Cookies and Celebrity Rehab

 

I am pretty much the luckiest girl on Earth.

Shortcake Roll Call 3

I do this once a year and the results are always hard to predict, but it’s time for the annual SHORTCAKE ROLL CALL.

Are you reading this right now? Yes, you are. So should you leave me a comment today? Yes, you should. Are we all incredibly foxy and gorgeous and so cool that people are jealous? Yes, of course. So let’s celebrate. In the comment section. Yes.

Much like the previous roll calls, you don’t have to leave your real name if that makes you feel weird. (I secretly read blogs too! It’s totally fun!) Make up a name! Or leave a clue about who you are! I just want to love you back!

Also I think this Roll Call would be kickass if you told me a FUN FACT about yourself.

Okay, ready?

ROLL CALL!

“Anyone? Something d-o-o economics.”

~~~*~~~

This week has been a little frustrating because while I have the time and energy to write, I don’t have much to write about. I’m happy for one thing. That’s always a little boring. I have maybe 3 entries that I’m messing around with, but they all require a camera, scanner, conclusion or something cohesive to tie it together.

Next weekend is going to be so exhausting and overwhelming – full of booze, sweets, karaoke, alleged making out, shennanigans, debauchery, the whole shebang – that I am probably going to hibernate this weekend to save my energy, money and calorie intake. Also I learned how to make Christmas bows out of magazines? So I’m doing that. It may be another week before you hear from me. Depends when the mood strikes.

HOWEVER if I get comments from 30+ people, I’ll write an entry immediately. Deal?

This can never be said enough; I love you guys. And I have only said this once, but the movie Big Bird in China changed my life. I watched this 100 times when I was little, with wide eyes, my mouth agape and my hands clamped on my cheeks all, “Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS.”

So I’ll let Big Bird and a cute Chinese kid (and the ugly kid who’s actually singing off-camera) explain how I feel about you:

(I’m not sure which was more annoying to my parents – the week I sang this song nonstop or the following week when I tried to be a Chinese Acrobat. Either way, I almost got sent back to the orphanage because of this movie. WORTH IT.)

Feed The Lexicon

I just got the new Girl Talk, Feed The Animals (YES, a million years after you did.)

It’s so f**king sick. SOOOO SICK! DISGUSTING! I am about to Number 3 everywhere out of pure joy.

NUMBER 3: c. 2007. (mā’kĭng nŭm’bər thrē) verb: to vomit, barf, puke, blow chunks.

I actually picked this up from Michelle Collins of Best Week Ever. I would link you to the entry where she officially coins the term “making number 3”, but she included a bunch of number 3-inducing pictures to drive the point home, and it’s seriously traumatic. But I AM going to link you to their Best Year Ever entry because my reign is almost up and I’m a little bummed. It’s the ONLY reason I am sad to see 2008 go.

My friend Jeff and I use the phrase “number 3” at least once a day at work. The other day he told me he was going to number 3 because he was so excited. The visual makes me laugh everytime he says it. And so: much like Janet/Rob’s “the kingshit”, I am stealing it.

Since I am stealing everyone’s vocab, I may as well contribute myself:

The PMS: c. 2008. (thē \ˌpē-(ˌ)em-ˈes\) noun: pms

Saying THE pms makes me think of a weird almost-extinct disease like polio. And shit, I’m sure some women in the 20’s were thrown in a mental ward for The PMS. Anyway, it makes me laugh. You’re welcome.

Back to Feed The Animals: the guy who sold this to me asked me if I wanted to go to the upcoming Girl Talk show at The Pageant with him. I am debating. It seems like it will be a sweaty hipster orgy, and considering what happened at the last STL Girl Talk gig, anything could happen.

Jason, Dan, Charlie the Chihuahua and I are having such a dance party right now. I might just stay home and hula hoop to this all night.

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #6

Ever since the “Ireland Incident”, I’ve had to spend a lot of time at the dentist.* And I have to say, getting a root canal on my front tooth 5 years ago has made me immune to the usual fears and pains associated with “Dr. Smile.”

I feel absolutely zero pain when I go to the dentist, even when I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I know everyone on the staff and it’s like catching up with old friends. I think the chairs are super comfortable. I can hold entire conversations with a mouth full of cotton. I know what number is assigned to each tooth. I even know the color (C3 with a dash of A3).

You know how babies won’t sleep unless they’re in a moving car? Fire up that drill, aim towards my cavities and I’m out like a light. The most refreshing nap I’ve ever had was a few months ago when I got a crown.

TA/OA Confession #9: I LOVE going to the dentist.

I think dentists get a bad rap because of Steve Martin. This song is to dentists what the movie “It” is to clowns:

“Watch him suck up that gas – oh my god!” Still cracks me up.

*I wrote about this years ago but that entry was god awful. I will give it a proper re-telling soon (and it will be much more fun now that I hate that guy).

Sickest Party Ever

This title could be argued. I mean, literally or figuratively? Literally I am having the sickest party ever right now, mostly in my nose but in the general respiratory hood. Everyone is invited: kleenex, Nyquil, Zycam, water, soup, cough drops, reality TV, oranges, whiskey, etc. I tried to play with Charlie the Chihuahua earlier and collapsed from exhaustion like Tiny Tim.

Figuratively, the Sickest Party Ever award goes to Janternet for her recent Radical Game Night Birthday Party. I mean, damnit, Janet. That was crazy. Some people are just born to be a hostess with the mostest and Janet is one of them.

It had all the games that are awesome: Apples to Apples, Scrabble, Connect 4, some Wii action, etc. We had to guess how many jellybeans are in a jar (I was off by about 800). There were all these adorable touches like a full food spread with labels, homemade cider, and nametags (which played a pivotal role when Courtney later christiened all of us with “hobo names”; hilarious).

But the best part about the Radical Game Night Birthday Party was the Radical Photobooth:

The Radical Photobooth became especially awesome when we combined it with the Slang Flash Cards:

All pictures are courtesy of Continuum Photography. I have seen The Amazing Josh’s stuff before on Janternet’s sites and I’ve always been blown away. If you are in the Midwest (KEVIN), you should hire them for all your (ENGAGEMENT) photography needs (KEVIN).

Janternet, that was the absolute funnest. It is breaking my heart that I am too sick for Twin Peaks Club tonight.

I haven’t coughed in about a half hour, so I should go do that until I black out again. Laters.

Lookey Loos, Meet Lykke Li

I’ve written about Lykke Li before, but I really adore her. It’s so rare that a pop-ish artist can sound better singing live on the street, but she makes her songs twice as fun as they are on her album.

Her back-story cracks me up: she was raised by wild hippy parents who would drag her along to crazy parties in Portugal, so she rebelled by listening to Top 40 pop and pretending to be Madonna.

I don’t know if it’s the toy instruments, the shoulder dancing (even in a cab!), or that guy who looks like Karl, but I think these versions are so creative and inspiring. This is the stuff I listen to when I have writer’s block.

This one especially, if only for what she does at 1:45 (and being the only chick alive who can rock high waisted jeans):

LOVE HER!!!

The Ladies and the Vamp

Sunday took a rather weird turn after I signed off. HBO (and Santa, and maybe Jesus) somehow deemed that all of my favorite movies should play in a row. I was treated to:

1. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
2. Pump Up The Volume
3. The Craft
4. Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol

Needless to say, the night/morning flew by at an alarming rate. Despite watching the same amount of TV as a couch potato, I never actually sit on the couch. I’m always doing something productive like chores or working out. By 9 in the morning, I had completely run out of ways to occupy myself.

So… I decided it was time to see Twilight. At 11 in the morning. Alone.

At Crestwood Mall.

If you’re not from St. Louis or if you haven’t been to Crestwood Mall in a while, you need to know how scary and sad it has become. This used to be the mall where all the kids hung out (especially the arcade, Exhilerama). But right now it’s in the process of shutting down. Only a handful of stores are open, plus the theater and an actual blood bank. It is a ghost town with a Panda Express in the basement.

I told Jason where I was going and he said, “Have fun at Rape City!”

I pulled up to the parking garage and there were concrete barriers everywhere, like the airport after 9/11. I took the escalator up to the mall and EVERY store was empty and gated off except for “Rave”.

I nervously turned around corners, echoing with each step. A security guard walked by me, inexplicably dressed like a park ranger? He smiled at me curiously and tipped his gigantic hat. I tried to say “hi” but it seemed wrong to make noise.

I get to the ticket booth and –

remember that I am on 30+ hours of no sleep, standing in a post-apocalyptic version of my adolescent stomping grounds, completely delirious and bewildered

– the girl behind the counter looks EXACTLY like my friend Pammy (who used to drag me to this mall all the time), except this girl is a midget.

My Trip To The Movies, directed by David Lynch. I almost ran away crying.

~~~*~~~

Twilight was okay, but – and I’ve mentioned this before – it is pure emotional porn. Boys love movies with explosions and big boobs, girls love everything that comes out of Edward’s mouth. Watching Twilight in a nearly empty theater made me appreciate this comparison even more.

Aside from 3 kids in front (including a clearly-gay guy who shrieked “I love Akon!!” 8 times during the promos), there were only 10 of us. All women. Alone or in pairs. Sprinkled throughout the theater, far away from everyone else. I wanted to be alone because I was sleepless, but you could tell these gals wanted to swoon in private.

Edward kept saying all these perfect things like, “You are my life,” “I want to protect you,” and “Let me buy you dinner.” I could hear everyone around me sighing. But by the time we got to the part where Edward wants to stay up all night talking to Bella, I just felt DIRTY. Like I was in one of THOSE theaters. But the girl version, where everyone had a boner in their heart. You know?

~~~*~~~

5 Thoughts About Twilight the Movie:

1. I really appreciated the diversity of the cast, particularly Bella’s high school friends. Forks is described as such a small town, so I just pictured a bunch of redneck kids when I read the book. They don’t get much face time in the movie (or the books, really) but it was nice to see.

2. Bella’s little hissy fit in the hospital bed at the end is quite possibly the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Kristen Stewart did a so-so job with the rest of the film, but that scene was atrocious – like she was briefly possessed by Heather Graham.

3. I’ve always wondered how action surrounding “kids today” would be portrayed in a film, because these days so much communication and drama happens on a computer. So I appreciated the Google Montage. I actually caught a glimpse of this Noferatu pic, which mean Bella was probably referred to my blog via Google Images like thousands of other people. Possible shoutout?

4. You’ve probably caught a glimpse of that scene where they are talking in the woods. It is pivotal and dramatic for many reasons, but they wander around a lot and I spent the whole scene thinking, “Bella, your backpack! You set down your backpack! OMG DON’T FORGET YOUR BACKPACK!!”

5. Despite all of the Edward worship, I actually developed a bigger crush on Jasper. During the (pretty!) ending credits, I learned that the actor is named Jackson Rathbone and I find that hilariously hot.