Daily Archives: December 2, 2008

The Ladies and the Vamp

Sunday took a rather weird turn after I signed off. HBO (and Santa, and maybe Jesus) somehow deemed that all of my favorite movies should play in a row. I was treated to:

1. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
2. Pump Up The Volume
3. The Craft
4. Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol

Needless to say, the night/morning flew by at an alarming rate. Despite watching the same amount of TV as a couch potato, I never actually sit on the couch. I’m always doing something productive like chores or working out. By 9 in the morning, I had completely run out of ways to occupy myself.

So… I decided it was time to see Twilight. At 11 in the morning. Alone.

At Crestwood Mall.

If you’re not from St. Louis or if you haven’t been to Crestwood Mall in a while, you need to know how scary and sad it has become. This used to be the mall where all the kids hung out (especially the arcade, Exhilerama). But right now it’s in the process of shutting down. Only a handful of stores are open, plus the theater and an actual blood bank. It is a ghost town with a Panda Express in the basement.

I told Jason where I was going and he said, “Have fun at Rape City!”

I pulled up to the parking garage and there were concrete barriers everywhere, like the airport after 9/11. I took the escalator up to the mall and EVERY store was empty and gated off except for “Rave”.

I nervously turned around corners, echoing with each step. A security guard walked by me, inexplicably dressed like a park ranger? He smiled at me curiously and tipped his gigantic hat. I tried to say “hi” but it seemed wrong to make noise.

I get to the ticket booth and –

remember that I am on 30+ hours of no sleep, standing in a post-apocalyptic version of my adolescent stomping grounds, completely delirious and bewildered

– the girl behind the counter looks EXACTLY like my friend Pammy (who used to drag me to this mall all the time), except this girl is a midget.

My Trip To The Movies, directed by David Lynch. I almost ran away crying.


Twilight was okay, but – and I’ve mentioned this before – it is pure emotional porn. Boys love movies with explosions and big boobs, girls love everything that comes out of Edward’s mouth. Watching Twilight in a nearly empty theater made me appreciate this comparison even more.

Aside from 3 kids in front (including a clearly-gay guy who shrieked “I love Akon!!” 8 times during the promos), there were only 10 of us. All women. Alone or in pairs. Sprinkled throughout the theater, far away from everyone else. I wanted to be alone because I was sleepless, but you could tell these gals wanted to swoon in private.

Edward kept saying all these perfect things like, “You are my life,” “I want to protect you,” and “Let me buy you dinner.” I could hear everyone around me sighing. But by the time we got to the part where Edward wants to stay up all night talking to Bella, I just felt DIRTY. Like I was in one of THOSE theaters. But the girl version, where everyone had a boner in their heart. You know?


5 Thoughts About Twilight the Movie:

1. I really appreciated the diversity of the cast, particularly Bella’s high school friends. Forks is described as such a small town, so I just pictured a bunch of redneck kids when I read the book. They don’t get much face time in the movie (or the books, really) but it was nice to see.

2. Bella’s little hissy fit in the hospital bed at the end is quite possibly the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Kristen Stewart did a so-so job with the rest of the film, but that scene was atrocious – like she was briefly possessed by Heather Graham.

3. I’ve always wondered how action surrounding “kids today” would be portrayed in a film, because these days so much communication and drama happens on a computer. So I appreciated the Google Montage. I actually caught a glimpse of this Noferatu pic, which mean Bella was probably referred to my blog via Google Images like thousands of other people. Possible shoutout?

4. You’ve probably caught a glimpse of that scene where they are talking in the woods. It is pivotal and dramatic for many reasons, but they wander around a lot and I spent the whole scene thinking, “Bella, your backpack! You set down your backpack! OMG DON’T FORGET YOUR BACKPACK!!”

5. Despite all of the Edward worship, I actually developed a bigger crush on Jasper. During the (pretty!) ending credits, I learned that the actor is named Jackson Rathbone and I find that hilariously hot.


Filed under Adventures, Favorite Stories, Sleep Disorderly Conduct