The Ladies and the Vamp

Sunday took a rather weird turn after I signed off. HBO (and Santa, and maybe Jesus) somehow deemed that all of my favorite movies should play in a row. I was treated to:

1. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
2. Pump Up The Volume
3. The Craft
4. Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol

Needless to say, the night/morning flew by at an alarming rate. Despite watching the same amount of TV as a couch potato, I never actually sit on the couch. I’m always doing something productive like chores or working out. By 9 in the morning, I had completely run out of ways to occupy myself.

So… I decided it was time to see Twilight. At 11 in the morning. Alone.

At Crestwood Mall.

If you’re not from St. Louis or if you haven’t been to Crestwood Mall in a while, you need to know how scary and sad it has become. This used to be the mall where all the kids hung out (especially the arcade, Exhilerama). But right now it’s in the process of shutting down. Only a handful of stores are open, plus the theater and an actual blood bank. It is a ghost town with a Panda Express in the basement.

I told Jason where I was going and he said, “Have fun at Rape City!”

I pulled up to the parking garage and there were concrete barriers everywhere, like the airport after 9/11. I took the escalator up to the mall and EVERY store was empty and gated off except for “Rave”.

I nervously turned around corners, echoing with each step. A security guard walked by me, inexplicably dressed like a park ranger? He smiled at me curiously and tipped his gigantic hat. I tried to say “hi” but it seemed wrong to make noise.

I get to the ticket booth and –

remember that I am on 30+ hours of no sleep, standing in a post-apocalyptic version of my adolescent stomping grounds, completely delirious and bewildered

– the girl behind the counter looks EXACTLY like my friend Pammy (who used to drag me to this mall all the time), except this girl is a midget.

My Trip To The Movies, directed by David Lynch. I almost ran away crying.


Twilight was okay, but – and I’ve mentioned this before – it is pure emotional porn. Boys love movies with explosions and big boobs, girls love everything that comes out of Edward’s mouth. Watching Twilight in a nearly empty theater made me appreciate this comparison even more.

Aside from 3 kids in front (including a clearly-gay guy who shrieked “I love Akon!!” 8 times during the promos), there were only 10 of us. All women. Alone or in pairs. Sprinkled throughout the theater, far away from everyone else. I wanted to be alone because I was sleepless, but you could tell these gals wanted to swoon in private.

Edward kept saying all these perfect things like, “You are my life,” “I want to protect you,” and “Let me buy you dinner.” I could hear everyone around me sighing. But by the time we got to the part where Edward wants to stay up all night talking to Bella, I just felt DIRTY. Like I was in one of THOSE theaters. But the girl version, where everyone had a boner in their heart. You know?


5 Thoughts About Twilight the Movie:

1. I really appreciated the diversity of the cast, particularly Bella’s high school friends. Forks is described as such a small town, so I just pictured a bunch of redneck kids when I read the book. They don’t get much face time in the movie (or the books, really) but it was nice to see.

2. Bella’s little hissy fit in the hospital bed at the end is quite possibly the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Kristen Stewart did a so-so job with the rest of the film, but that scene was atrocious – like she was briefly possessed by Heather Graham.

3. I’ve always wondered how action surrounding “kids today” would be portrayed in a film, because these days so much communication and drama happens on a computer. So I appreciated the Google Montage. I actually caught a glimpse of this Noferatu pic, which mean Bella was probably referred to my blog via Google Images like thousands of other people. Possible shoutout?

4. You’ve probably caught a glimpse of that scene where they are talking in the woods. It is pivotal and dramatic for many reasons, but they wander around a lot and I spent the whole scene thinking, “Bella, your backpack! You set down your backpack! OMG DON’T FORGET YOUR BACKPACK!!”

5. Despite all of the Edward worship, I actually developed a bigger crush on Jasper. During the (pretty!) ending credits, I learned that the actor is named Jackson Rathbone and I find that hilariously hot.


Filed under Adventures, Favorite Stories, Sleep Disorderly Conduct

12 responses to “The Ladies and the Vamp

  1. Charles

    “You are my life,” “I want to protect you,” and “Let me buy you dinner.” ? Do those lines really work? …or do they only work when coming out of the mouth of a dreamy vampire like what’s-his-name?

    I’ll try one of those lines with a random pretty girl at the gym today and see how it goes.

  2. The first two lines will probably get you maced in the face if you don’t know the girl. Try, “Hi, I’m Charles.”

  3. Janet

    Seeing movies in the morning is the kingshit. I won’t see a new release any other way.

    Oh, Crestwood Mall. I used to work at Fredericks of Hollywood there, no joke. Well actually it sort of was a joke, I needed a job for about 2 months and I had connections.

  4. The Rocket Queen

    Oh god….

    I was about to say that midgets and probably pervy security guards are what you get for going to see Twilight in the first place, and possibly just leave “You. Are. A. Loser.,” but “boner in their heart” totally won me over.

  5. You know what else is the kingshit? Saying “the kingshit.”

    And YES, I knew it would be the cheesiest and I knew I would get shit for it, but I had a ball reading all 4 books in 10 days. And I went to Crestwood so no one would see me! You think I want to get beat up behind the Esquire?

  6. RØB

    Somewhat relatedly, I saw this Swedish movie tonight that was a pre-teen vampire love story:

    It was the king shit (usually I split “king shit” into two words. One time, or perhaps on more than one occasion, a person has said “as RØB would say, it’s the king shit.” I guess I developed a reputation for saying that about things? Which is fine with me. Another phrase people seem to think I own is “tight as hell,” and I’m fine with that, too); I don’t think it’s out yet but should be soon (it was a sneak screening; I know it played at SLIFF as well. I probably should have called you because I had a “you and a guest”-style admission and nobody to use the “and a guest” half of that, and there were seats-a-plenty in the theatre anyway, and nobody was checking to see if my name was on a list or anything, regardless).

    I like-a the comments that’re more parenthetical than not!

  7. Kevvers

    preview of your comment: wtf with crestwood mall, i went there a few years ago at this time and it was so busy i didn’t get a parking place and had to go eat dominoes across the street – thats just awful – i blame the morons who bought them out – wheres the 12 days of xmas display? they threw it out with the garbage and doing so threw out te soul that once was crestwood mall

  8. Jnickolai

    Dang, I shoulda knowed Kevin would beat me here. I was with him on the visit described above. I too spent much of my childhood at the self-described “Ultra-Mall” (which Had It All). Do you remember the giant 12 Days of Christmas music box . . . thing? Hope I can get there one last time before it’s completely gone. Maybe after finals.

  9. Wow, I TOTALLY forgot about that 12 Days of Christmas display until you two brought it up. That thing was amazing!

  10. -M

    Long time no speak. I really loved this post! Being one of those guys that likes explosions and big boobs, I have no clue why I dragged myself (by myself) to see a midnight screening of Twilight on opening day. I always like to think that I’m unbiased in my film obsession and secure in my manhood enough that I can watch something like Twilight or Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and not feel guilty about it. It’s research, I’m trying to LEARN about women, and I’m broadening my film horizons. Plus I’m a total midnight show freak. As I loomed at the very back of the big screen at Esquire, though, and the minutes ticked away, I realized I was in the wrong place. I’m confident that I was A)the only straight guy there on his own accord, B)about ten years older than a majority of the crowd, and C)the only one not cheering for anything that happened in the movie. I just didn’t get it. I don’t get why girls swoon over this guy, who honestly seems to me to be just a gentleman. A DANGEROUS ONE. Is that so rare and special? Offering to buy a girl dinner has never gotten me anywhere, and I’m sure if I told someone they were “my life” they’d laugh or find it creepy (depending on context). The crowd sure loved it, and I can’t say that they didn’t ramp up my enjoyment of the whole thing with their hyped squeels and clapping (much like the Harry Potter flicks, which I haven’t read a page of). I totally agree that Bella’s hissy fit in the hospital reeked of something they didn’t have enough money to do enough takes to get right the first time, nor did they have enough money to reshoot. The whole thing felt like it had a direct-to-video budget. Didn’t you hate those montages where they were supposed to be getting to know each other, though you heard none of it? Maybe that was filled in by the book, but it sure didn’t seem to help me buy their relationship. I’m nitpicking, though. It obviously wasn’t designed to tickle my fancy. It worked for what it was. -M

  11. Pingback: Go Shortcake, It’s Your Birthday | Secretly Stephie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s