Monthly Archives: February 2009

Champs and Chumps VIII – Let’s Get Lost Tonight

I haven’t done a Champs and Chumps in a while (I think I am still traumatized by the whole Fox News thing). Lately my life has been full of Things You Shouldn’t Blog About, so this is probably a good time for one.

Ready Freddies?


The Moth: This is one of my favorite podcasts. The format is simple – storytelling in front of a live audience – but I can’t begin to tell you how much this has charmed me. Most stories are hilarious (the Wendy Spero one was especially hysterical) but they can be poignant and moving, too. (Don’t listen to Mike DeStefano’s story unless you’re prepared to weep in your cubicle.)

Frank & Erik Internet Famous: It just gets more and more appalling with each episode, and I mean that in the best way. I’m afraid to listen to this while I’m running or at work because I can’t help but snicker like a lunatic.

My Pepper Plant: I thought it was dying, but there are new blooms and new peppers! This plant is my pride and joy.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs: “Zero” is so danceable and I just have a ball with every listen. I cannot wait for their new album. “Fever to Tell” and “Show Your Bones” never get old to me. I’m totally confident that the new album will be just as fresh but 100 times lighter and more upbeat.

Twitter: Now that Ashton and Demi have been banished from my feed, I am loving the whole Twitter culture. I like getting clever Tweets from my friends and I love how celebrities have totally embraced it. The Michael Ian Black/Levar Burton Twitter War is especially silly.

Portable Breathalyzer: Charles brought one of these to Janet’s party. It’s a brilliant strategy – drunk people love toys and a challenge, so people blow into it and inadvertently become aware of their drunkenness. I’d like to think that I don’t drive buzzed, but in this city it’s almost inevitable. I plan on buying one this week. Most of my new friends live in the city and I am in the county, so this way I can go to bars with them and get home safely. Speaking of Charles, he started this site where he puts googly eyes on everything. I love how the personality of each innanimate object immediately becomes apparent. It’s cute and I’m pissed I missed out on the Googly photoshoot at the last TPC.

Old Friends: Ty, Warren, Sarah and the gang showed up on my doorstep at like 1 in the morning last weekend. They used to drop by my parents’ basement all the time, or bang on the bedroom window of my first apartment. That night made me realize how much I miss the harassment. I love those guys.

Allison: Fellow blogger/Film Pig Pal/Twitter Buddy/Facebook Friend Allison surived this absolutely horrific car crash and I am in awe. Obvious chumps to the crash, but champs for quick thinking, walking away from that and taking it like, well, an actual champ. Also high fives for the fun blog!

The Real World – Brooklyn: It would take an entire entry to explain why I adore this season and this cast. Rich said it best. I haven’t liked The Real World since Season 10 and I rolled my eyes out of my head when I initially heard they were going to Brooklyn. But this cast is so relatable and sympathetic and interesting – even the unlikable ones are lovable. The binge drinking, ditzy girls and lame jobs are gone. All the things I love are back. I didn’t realize it at the time, but wow, I’ve missed you Real World. Welcome back to my TV and my heart.

Courtney’s Twin Peaks Nikes: Courtney is so incredibly fly. Check out these kicks. TPC represent!

Cheez-Its for Lunch: I didn’t bring enough change to work today and I didn’t feel like leaving for a long break, so I made a meal out of it. It’s carbs AND protein, right? I found 6 burnt ones and they are the best. You know you are jealous.


Tea: I think I am allergic to chamomile tea! Oh no!! Everyone told me that my puffy eye was from dust or dander, but when I drink chamomile tea, I feel tingles and puffiness and everything. I blame Pat for converting me to tea in the first place. I still drink it but I top it off with a bunch of antihistamines. So this way I’m extra sleepy, which was the point of drinking tea in the first place.

Magazines, Absence of: I don’t have any “guilty” pleasures. I allow myself to have stupid fun sometimes and I am proud if it.* That being said, I LOVE MAGAZINES and I always pick one up when I am grocery shopping. Right now there is some sort of distribution dispute, and I get so depressed when I look at the magazine racks and see nothing new.

UPDATE: Magazines are at 7-11! I read an entire People in about 20 minutes.

Being a Free Agent: It’s been a while since I looked at a couple and got sad about being single. But I was outside with Sarah and Jaime at the video shoot and wow, I miss having a BFF. 99% of my chick friends are married, so it’s impossible to have that friend you can always hang out with. Dudes have gotten to that age where if I try to be their BFF, they want to marry me or whatever. I am everybody’s friend but nobody’s best friend. Sometimes the freedom is cool, but watching Sarah and Jaime interact made me miss my old BFFs and that feeling in general.

Rich’s “Break”: Rich was recapping The Real World over at Four Four, but he’s decided to take a break to work on some other stuff. I’m happy for him, but his recaps reminded me of Television Without Pity’s glory days. They were so funny and I’m sad that I won’t see any more amazing animated GIFs.

Schnucks Portabello Artichoke Cakes: Best damn thing I’ve ever eaten. So why are they here? Well, Schnucks stopped making them. How could they do this to me? This is all I ate for a week and a half, and now I am lost. I’m thinking about writing a letter. Yes, a letter. Because I am 90.

Disneyland/Portland: They are stealing my friends! Boooo! Josh is moving to (work at) Disneyland; Janet and her husband are moving to Portland. I am excited for them but totally bummed out for me. I know Janternet and I will communicate often but you guys, I am going to cry so hard when I say goodbye to Josh. There was a time when I wouldn’t leave my apartment unless it was with him. He basically saved my life. Ugh. Goodbyes are the worst.

This Shirt I Am Wearing: There’s wire in the lining. I had an incredible silhouette when I put it on this morning, but when I sit down the wires bend out in either direction. I keep forgetting to fix it when I get up and everybody at work looked at me like I was a crazy person. I found it in the back of my closet. Can I even wash this contraption?

Insomnia: It’s gotten so much worse than usual. I’ve had to miss work and skip parties because I am too tired. I hate it. I’ve finally signed up for auricular therapy. My first treatment is on Tuesday; I’ll let you know how it goes.

* Seriously – and I should include this as a CHUMP and even possibly a full bonus entry – why do people feel the need to prove their intelligence/coolness when you’re just trying to have a good time? Being a pompous buzzkill makes you look neither smart nor cool.

I listen to NPR and I get my indie fix from Pig Radio, but I am not a dick about it. I fully embrace Celebreality on VHI and goofily dancing to Top 40 music. I will still pour over an In Touch Magazine if I feel like it. I am secure enough in my education and my coolitude, thank you.


Filed under Champs and Chumps, Sleep Disorderly Conduct

“There’s Always A Theme!”

“So what’s the theme?”

“Birthday.” “Frosting.”

– Kelly, Jim and Dwight discussing a blank birthday cake, The Office

If you’re a fan of The Office, you know that last week Dwight and Jim threw Kelly Kapoor the lamest birthday party ever. Well, my coworkers Joy and Christina are HUUUGE Office fanatics, and Tuesday happened to be Christina’s birthday.

Joy had an awesome idea to recreate Kelly’s birthday party for Christina, with everything from the half-inflated balloons and Dwight’s signs to their last minute “theme” – the choice between an hour of TV or an hour of nap. Joy (with some help from Veronica) did an awesome job and the results were pretty hilarious.

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If you haven’t seen the episode, the Chiclet represents either a TV or a pillow. Jim and Dwight misspelled Kelly’s name on her cake, but Christina’s pet peeve at work is when people call her “Christine.”

And if you have seen the episode, you’ll be happy to know that it was an ice cream cake.

So incredibly funny. Well done, Joy. Brava.


Filed under Uncategorized

“Be The Divine Hammer!”

The other day, I mentioned that I wanted to do something weird and fun on Valentine’s Day. Shortcake All-Star Røb wrote to me, told me that The Breeders were filming a music video in St. Louis and asked me if I wanted to be an extra. Um, yes please?

So on Valentine’s Day, I went with Røb and a few of his friends to The Skatium in South St. Lous (waaay South) to watch Kelley Deal and Mando Lopez from The Breeders hang out with the gals in the Arch Rival Roller Girls.

We got there about an hour early, so the boys bought superballs out of the vending machine and launched them across the rink for a while. Ron stole some Whiteys from the craft service table. A bunch of other people I adore showed up, like Jaffa, Sarah P. and Jaime. There were a lot of people from Pour Chaque «Non» .

Some of Sarah’s awesome pictures are up on the RFT blog. (The picture above is also hers.) I have a few pictures on Facebook (and maybe someday on Flickr) but hers are highly superior.

The video seems like it will be fun. We got to watch various members of the AARG lip-sync the song, do fun roller tricks, destroy some things with their skakes and even fake crazy wipe-outs right in front of us.

They filmed a bunch of reaction shots with the extras. The spot where we were sitting happened to be in the background of a lot of the action, so we had to silently cheer and lose our shit while the track played over the speakers. Oh yeah, we heard “Fate to Fatal” about 6,000 times over the course of 8 hours. I still don’t know most of the words.

I shot a couple of videos. Here’s Kelley Deal passing out tambourines:

And here’s Magnum P.I.M.P.jumping over 6 or 7 brave teammates:

All in all, it was super fun stuff and I’m so glad Røb invited me! Thanks dude!

After I got home, I hung out with Rob Ruz. I showed him “The Room” and obviously changed his life forever. He brought me a chocolate from Belgium. That’s right, A belgian chocolate. As in one. It was totally romantic and shit.

All in all, it was a great Valentine’s Day. Not as spooky/romantic/mortifying as last year (which I will be able to tell you about SOMEDAY and you will slap your forehead), but equally as exciting and full of lots of new people who rock. Loved it.

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Filed under Adventures, Picture Pages, Uncategorized

Thrilling And/Or Appalling Confession #7

I thought about this when I was writing that list of random facts, but I think it deserves to be a TA/OA confession. This one is heavy, so get ready.

TA/OA Confession #7: I really, seriously love powdered foods.

I don’t actually eat stuff as straight powder anymore. I get really happy if there is an unmixed clump of it on my fork. Needless to say, streusel is still a fave. I try to eat like a grown-up… but when I was a child, if it was powder, I wanted it straight.

Nestle Quik. Cake mix. Country Time Lemonade. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese cheese. DELICIOUS.

One day, my mom and I were baking cookies and she looked over just as I was dipping a spoon into the flour jar. And then I straight-up ate it. I ate flour. She didn’t even know to react. Like, who does that? Answer:

I think I got this from my Grandpa. He and I used to have weekly contests over who could dump the most parmesan into our SpagettiO’s. I don’t know if there was ever a winner; my Grandma would always get grossed out and beg us to stop.

There may be a direct correlation between all the spooky chemicals and preservatives that I ingested as a child, and the ease of which I am confessing this to you now. But in the future, when we are all stuck in space stations with protein shake powder and no water? It will be up to me to keep humanity going.

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Filed under TA/OA Confession

New People …

…are so much fun!!!

Lately my life has been full of so many new or new-ish people that I can’t wait to hang out with. I desperately want to grab drinks with folks like Courtney, Janet, Tom, Rob and Erin F. I want to hang out in real life as opposed to Bloggy IM-land. I want to share stories, pick their brains and learn all about them.

Life has been so busy and exhausting that I’m having trouble finding the time. But I’m super fascinated by you guys? So bug me until we hang out. Or leave presents on my doorstep like Rob. Either/Or.

Earlier this week, I was in the midst of crazy circuit training workouts and regular running, and I felt AMAZING. Abnormally happy, alert, energetic and overall incredible.

I told Erin T. that this couldn’t end well. I was right. Almost immediately after I hit “send”, I got hit with terrible allergies for the first time in my life. I’ve spent the past few days sniffling and whimpering every time I have to move.

But now I’m feeling better and I want my groove back. I want to be extra healthy so that if I get sick again, it’ll balance out and I’ll feel about as crappy as I usually do now. So next week, I’m determined to pack each day full of healthy habits and activities.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BAD ASS BITCH BOOT CAMP:

* Circuit training
* Walk/run 4 miles
* 64 oz. of water
* No booze
* Hella fruits and veggies
* Writing
* Sleeping as much as possible
* Smoking as little as possible, if at all

All that stuff. That’s my priority every day next week. This isn’t to lose weight or anything – I just felt great for the first time in months and I know that these things affect my health and moods more than I’d like to admit. I can usually keep up with one or two at a time, so I’m assuming my brain will explode in a good way when I try them all at once.

I’m only sharing this to (a) keep myself accountable and (b) explain why I’m going to be a hermit even in the midst of all these new and old friendships. So if I ditch you to run around the block and listen to Frank & Erik on my iPod, don’t worry.* I’ll be back to my usual delinquent self by Saturday night and I plan on getting drunk with at least one person listed above.

Valentine’s Day is going to rock so hard – lit-tra-lee – but I can’t tell you why just yet. Also Janet sent me an actual Valentine in the actual mail and it made me so happy that now it’s just impossible to be bummed in the slightest.

*This is seriously my favorite thing on the Internet right now, and I’m not just saying that because I want to make out with Erik know Frank.


Filed under Uncategorized

25 (More) Things

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote one of those 25 Facts things for Facebook. My list got bumped off my wall almost immediately from all of the birthday wishes. (Not complaining! Loved it!) A lot of people have been re-posting these lists on their blogs.

However, I’ve been tagged on Myspace about 10 times, so I pulled most of those 25 things from previous lists. It got me thinking: “Wow, I don’t have time to write anything this week.” And, “can I come up with 25 more?”

So here you go, because I’m totally lazy Twitter is stealing all my funny I love you:

1. I dance every single day. I dance in front of people maybe twice a year (and one of those times is all Thriller, baby).

2. I have a genuine Voltron that splits into the lions. This is how I impress boys.

3. I still have all the notes that my friends passed to me in high school. They are hilarious.

4. “I-Statements” go a long way in my world. Use them. If you straight up tell me what to do, I will probably do the opposite unless you are my boss.

5. Whenever I am standing, like in line or at a concert, I tend to stand on one foot like a flamingo. I KILL at Wii Fit balance games.

6. I used to be empathetic to a fault and have made an actual effort to be more callous and judgmental.

7. I sit Indian-style at my desk, usually barefoot. It’s hard for me to be creative when I’m sitting like a square.

8. I used to lip-sync to Mariah Carey’s MTV Unplugged. Like, regularly.

9. Sometimes I call my pathological liar friend because I know he’ll tell me exactly what I want to hear.

10. I spent a decade being totally fat and while it sucked at the time, I’m glad it happened. Living in both bodies has made me a smarter and cooler person. The fact that people are nicer to me when I’m skinny makes me want to eat junk food.

11. On a similar note, I still get weirded out if I’m treated like a “pretty girl”. I usually say something silly or unladylike immediately to diffuse the tension and, consequentially, kill the mood. I don’t think I should get used to that treatment because prettiness kills brain cells and eventually fades. However, I WILL panic when people stop calling me adorable.

12. I don’t drink soda. I didn’t consciously quit; I just decided that I prefer pink lemonade. Every now and then when I’m feeling crazy, I’ll pour an inch of my roommate’s Dr. Pepper and sip it like scotch.

13. Regarding your boyfriends: I think you deserve much better but I’m always rooting for them to prove me wrong.

14. There is a tiny part of me that still believes stuffed animals have feelings.

15. I have only cheated on one person. I was on another continent and we ended up going out for years, so it probably falls more in the “met someone else” category. The guy I cheated on is now happilly married so I no longer feel guilty about this. Whew!

16. I have an old friend who is a phone sex operator (or, “Telesex Artist”) in another country. Whenever I am really scared or upset, one of the first things I do is IM her and ask her to pray for me.

17. I onced secretly touched a stalagmite in Meremec Caverns because I was told that would stunt its growth for hundreds of years. I FELT POWERFUL.

18. I’m pretty sure I can recite Empire Records in its entirety from memory.

19. I was bullied a lot as a kid and for years I wouldn’t talk to new people because I was afraid. These days, I am shocked if someone doesn’t like me. SHOCKED. I basically bully those people into being my friend. I love the fact that rejection has become this completely foreign concept to me.

20. The thought of a sad old person can make me cry for hours. Same with dogs; I refuse to watch any movie where a dog is sad.

21. I’ve picked up one habit/preference in each relationship that I still maintain to this day. Tim = Beatles. Chris = “Yay!” Brian = namedropping. Pat = tea. Etc.

22. Speaking of namedropping, I have been following Ashton and Demi on Twitter, and WOW, they are totally annoying?

23. I convince myself that I am dying of something every 6 months. It is especially bad when my dad is sick. I’ve considered finding my biological parents just to determine what is lurking in my DNA.

24. I get totally psyched when people flash their brights to warn me about a speed trap. I pretend that we are in a secret society.

25. I’m in awe of every single one of my friends and I brag about them like they are my grandchildren.


Filed under Lists

In Celebration of Myself

The past few days have been gorgeous and I’ve been running again, in addition to some crazy boot camp workouts. So I’m still sleepy, but in the worn out/hurty muscles way. So I’ll try to write this. I’ve been lazy. I know.

So my birthday was really, really fun. I’ve been dreading it this year even more than I usually do, but I ended up having too much fun to be bummed out. Except aging, of course. I’m still pretty bummed out about aging.

So on Thursday morning, I opened my door to leave for work and found a box on my doorstep. My favorite color is cobalt blue, so this immediately made me smile:

A while back, I had jokingly asked Rob Ruz to get me a bulldog with a bobby cap while he was on tour in Europe. Apparently finding one (which I only joked about because I saw them everywhere) is hard these days, and he made some epic journey all over Camden for it. Thanks Rob. (Does this mean I have to put out?) He ended up getting me two bulldogs and thank god, because while the second one is adorable, the first is… um:

On Saturday night, I had a bunch of my friends over to watch “The Room” as promised. I’m pretty sure everyone had fun; all I really remember is a bunch of laughing and horrified screaming and then more laughing.

“The Room” was even more terrible/glorious than I had anticipated. I will definitely be having people over again and again until you’ve all seen it. There’s really no way to put it into words. Jen’s face sums it up pretty well, though:

I think that if I had thrown myself parties in years past, I would not have hated my birthday. Girl, people bring you presents! Remember that shit? I had forgotten and was surprised every time it happened. Check it out:

Those are from Jen/Ron, Janet and Courtney. The last two gifts were from Mexico. The first gift included two cans of CHEESEBALLS which were inhaled almost immediately. Janet also got me a hysterical Mr. Winkle birthday card and Niki got me a cute monkey card. Even my family got in on the fun; my mom made banana nut bread and my grandma gave me balloons for my party. Hahaha. I made theme cupcakes for everyone but forgot to take a picture; therefore they do not exist.

HOWEVER, while all of the presents are fun and loved, I have to say that Jason wins. He got me a owl-shaped teapot from Anthopologie. I wanted to name him something British and owlish so I went with “Lord Hoots”. I love Lord Hoots so much that I even bought him a girlfriend (Miss Featherbottom) off of eBay:

I’ve been having tea parties nonstop with these two over the weekend and it’s been lovely. However, they both get really, really hot. It’s especially hard to hold the teacup. So I’m going to make her a sweater!! Hee!

The Superbowl was another day I was expecting to be bummed out (for reasons that are too dumb to explain but should be obvious to any of my friends). But I ended up having an absolute ball with Dan, Jason and Charlie. Check out this hotness:

Raging insomnia aside, last week was pretty fun, too. My birthday continued well up until this past Friday, when I came home from work and found three more presents on my doorstep:

* “The Reminder” by Feist from Carrie
* 30 Rock Season 2 from Patrick
* Brady Bunch Calendar from Ra

Next year is my Champagne Birthday and it’s on a Saturday, so I think I might have people over to try caviar for the first time and get totally grossed out. I’ve decided that all of my birthdays in the future will involve some kind of hilarious horrified screaming laughter. But next year it will be fancy.

Rather than dreading Valentine’s Day, I’m on a mission to have a blast doing something totally weird. So if you have any ideas, give me a holler.

And really quick, I’d like to take a moment to celebrate Courtney. She made this incredible quilt for my work and it’s beyond amazing. Even my dude friends were blown away. It’s hanging in my cube for safekeeping and honestly, it’s so inspiring and I feel so much more creative now that it’s around. I’m really proud of her. Check it out:

I plan on writing more this week. I did one of those “25 Things” on Facebook, but it’s all stuff that you guys have read before so I’m trying to write one just for you. And OMG OMG THERE’S ABOUT TO BE A BOY IN MY APARTMENT RIGHT NOW SO I HAFTA GO BYE.

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Filed under Picture Pages

Wah-nimal Planet

Fun stuff happened this weekend. But then it got yucky:

1. Zero sleep last night.

2. An average of 4 hours of sleep a night for the last few days.

3. Busted heat during last night’s 8 degree funzone.

4. The PMS.

5. Sickies floating around that I think I caught today.

6. Tragic obeseness from all the parties this weekend.

7. The impending doom of Valentines Day and other days I hate.

AAANNND that’s all. Perfect storms like this usually make me crabby and sad about boys, and then I write a big dumb sobby entry about it, and then in 2 days I feel stupid because everything is great again.

So I will write about the fun stuff later when I am warm and well rested, including this amazing quilt my BFF Courtney made that is sitting on my couch at the moment. I should probably log off before my sleeping pills kick in. I think tomorrow is running weather and I’m so relieved. I’ll be back to normal day or two and will write something braggy with lots of pictures. Pwomise.

Bonus LOLnimal that always cheers me up:


Filed under Uncategorized